As the doctor completed an examination of the patient....

he said, ''I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.''

''In that case,'' said the patient, ''I'll come back when you're sober''

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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A patient goes into a doctor's office for examination...

Doctor: On a scale from 1 to 10, how much pain are you experiencing?

Patient: Ο€

Doctor: pi?

Patient: Low level, but never ending

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JerfDaRerf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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Lawyer - Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?

Doctor - Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination.

Taken from an actual court hearing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pappajay2001
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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What do you call a surgical examination of a person addicted to high fives?

An uptopsy.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zylvian
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2017
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What did the eye doctor say about Hines Ward's examination?

Hines sight is 20/20

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dolly_llama_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2014
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After Orville and Wilbur’s first horrific and fatal plane-accident leaving their remains scattered on the tarmac, the chief medical examiner approaching what was left of them simply asked:

β€œAre you all Wright?!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fadedmemento
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
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As the detective examined the crime scene at the carnival he came upon the man working the β€œGuess your weight” booth. The detective had the man arrested as an accomplice to the criminal.

He was charged with helping the criminal get a weigh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pasngas42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
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Why are so many medical examiners hired on January 1st?

It's always, "New Year, new ME"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elnateo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.

After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"

The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/domheffo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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Recent studies are examining the effects of replacing birdbath water with alcohol

Its bird-gin-ing research.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kelaab
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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There is only one other pun better than this one....

A man's farts once began sounding like the word "honda."

US Doctors were no help for the man.

Finally a Japanese Doctor took his case & sent for the man to come to Japan.

The man flew to Japan and after a short examination the Doctor said to him, "you have abscess tooth."

"An abscess tooth?" the man asked.

"Yes," replied the doctor "abscess make the fart go Honda."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VernonnonreV
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
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I was examining a lad's driving test.

At the end, he stopped us outside the test centre.

"You know," I began, "alcohol really impairs someone's judgements..."

The lad's lip quivered, "But I'm not drunk, mister."

"No," I replied, "I am, and you've passed."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My Dad and the Home Depot Bucket.

When I was 15 there was a Home Depot bucket next to the front door for a while. One night I was watching tv with my mom. She was laying on the couch and I was laying on the floor.

My dad got home from work and as he was taking off his boots he asked β€œHey, where did that Home Depot bucket come from?” And without skipping a beat I said β€œI don’t know. Home Depot?” My mom laughed so hard and my dad was pissed. I got grounded for a week for β€œbeing a smart ass”.

I’m now 26 and to this day when my dad and I go to Home Depot I always chuckle and point to the buckets and ask β€œHey dad, where do you think those come from.”

On one of these trips I picked one up and was examining it when my dad asked me what I was looking for. I turned the bucket upside down and said β€œWell would you look at that dad. They’re from Lowe’s.” I thought he was gonna knock my ass out right there.

TLDR: My dad: β€œWhere did that Home Depot bucket come from?” Me: β€œI don’t know. Home Depot?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Malfoy1743
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29
🚨︎ report
Had an idea for a Netflix series that examines items belonging to other people:

"Strangers' Things"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pj566
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend said he broke his tibia. Upon examining his X-rays, I can tell he lied...

It was a fibula.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of certification does a polygraph test examiner need?

A lie-cense.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bruh-Nanaz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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The medical examiner’s office was told to reduce their budget

So they had to cut coroners.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
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The doctor told me to have my stool examined

I didn't give a shit.

The lab wouldn't accept furniture anyway.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ubertrashcat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I have the best prostrate doctor.

Every time he examines me, he puts both hands on my shoulders to comfort me.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
🚨︎ report
What did the police say when they finally caught up to the corrupt medical examiner?

Stop! We have you coroner’ed!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nodzest
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Once considered to be holding funerals near a dead crow, now evidence indicates that crows may be examining the body and surrounding area for potential threats to the flock.

It's a murder investigation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Examiners are questionable.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A detective arrives

11.45 : arrived at crime scene

11.45 : Examined body. Signs of struggle

11.45 : Found murder weapon in drain

11.45 : Realised watch was broken

.

.

.

.

.

My son: but this is not a dad joke.

Me : what is a day joke then?

My son : when the joke becomes a(p)parent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
An archaeologist was examining an ancient looking post in a field...

Carved on to the post was some roman-looking words:

TOTI

EMUL

ESTO

After two hours of analysing the words, he was approached by the farmer that owned the field. "What are you looking at chap?" Said the farmer.

"I'm trying to figure out the meaning of the writing on this post... it looks Roman! This could be a great find!" The archaeologist replied.

"Let me take a look" says the farmer as he analyses the carving.

"It says "To tie mules to" you silly twat".

Credit to Stephen Fry on No Such Thing As A Fish podcast

Edit - Formatting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InkJetPrinters
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
If you're a fan of phrenology, you should have your head examined.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/74CK
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
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My friend the eye doctor explained this to me. Ophthalmologists are doctors who specialize in eyes. Optometrists examine your eyes to see whether you need corrective lenses. Opticians sell glasses and lenses.

and optimists see glasses as half full.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whosevelt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
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My driving examiner asked me to identify the number plate.

I said, "You idiot, plate isn't a number."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
🚨︎ report
A man walked into my liquor store. He examined the spirits behind me.

He said, "Have you got Jack Daniels Honey?"

I said, "We do, but don't call me that."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
🚨︎ report
I was examining my spices when my son tells me soccer starts in 15 minutes. So I said...

"Well well well, would you look at the thyme!"

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoodieninja86
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2016
🚨︎ report
There was an American senator that was sent to Israel to examine its government.

Once he returned, he said, "I didn't like their politics, but their army Israeli nice."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/modstms
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Food contamination warning!

Hope this is the right sub but this is something I need to share. Do not eat peanuts right now, if you do examine them carefully. There has been a fungus that has infected most of the peanut crops in north America. From the outside they look fine but if you bite into the nut you may notice a small black center. By then it's too late. The black center at early stages can cause digestive issues but if the entire nut is black it can cause failure of the nervous system and respiratory complications. There are pests that have laid their eggs in these plants and tiny microorganisms have developed in these plants. They leech into the fruit causing the black color. Ingestion can cause all sorts of troubles from diarrhea to death. These creatures are fatal. That's why you should always watch out for the creature from the black legume.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prawncracker92
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A man goes to the doctor because he has been feeling sick for weeks

The doctor examines him, sprinkles salt and spices on him and just like that, he's cured.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkazen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Dead crows

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Semujin
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A dog can't read an MRI.

But catscan.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriskySour
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2017
🚨︎ report
It's a pity the new female Medical Examiner will never get pregnant

Because nobody puts baby in a coroner.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigoldgeek
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2015
🚨︎ report
Jesus was known to be a carpenter, but I've always gotten the feeling that he would make a great attorney.

He was quite the cross-examiner.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/law_daddy_esq
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
In France, when the honey bee revolution began they broke out a tiny little guillotine for the Queen...but she laughed in their faces.

No matter how much they tried, the guillotine wouldn't work. When the chief executioner examined the situation it was clear why, she had already been "bee-headed"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ridik_ulass
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
So a man goes to the doctor and the doctor tells he needs to stop masturbating, the man asks why

The doctor replies "because I'm trying to examine you!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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I don't get it, it worked

My wife has left a note on the fridge with the text: "This doesn't work". I examined the refrigerator and it worked, so now I'm waiting for her to come home to explain what she meant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kiiimen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Name the nation people hate the most

Examination

My dad sent this over on text...

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/numspc
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Son trying to figure out what to study?

My son came to me the other day asking what I thought he should study in college.

I asked what he thought he wanted to do, he replied he thought about being a Medical Examiner.

Told him he should reconsider as I heard the field was dead.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Doctor: You need to stop masturbating, sir

Me: Why?

Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report

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