Was told puns would appreciate this post (x-post from r/funny)
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.
My 6 year old just told me this joke... What's stronger than a fortune cookie?
My wife looked at my son (7) yesterday and told him his shoes were on the wrong feet
Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have"
Proud dad moment!
Someone told me Trumps last order as president is to outlaw shredded cheese.
Hmm guess he wants to make America grate again 🤔
Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.
I wanted to become a fun guy.
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.
My wife told me I’ve grown as a person
Her actual word were “you’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
I told my boss, “Sorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.”
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop.
I told my wife that she should embrace her mistakes.
Then she smiled and hugged me tightly.
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
When I told my mate I was going deaf, he asked, “what are the symptoms?”
I said, “they’re a yellow cartoon family with Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie”
My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
I told my brother ten jokes to make him laugh...
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
My deaf girlfriend just told me that “we need to talk”.
My son just told me that he is studying Mesopotamia this term
I said “Great, I can Babylon about it for hours!”
My boss told me to have a good day ...
Finally told my son my gamer tag
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
A psychotic criminal stole a train. He said the reason was the voices in the head told him to.
My GPS just told me to turn around
Now I can’t see where I’m driving
My girlfriend told me that a very thick letter had arrived for me.
I replied, 'of course it's thick. Envelopes and pieces of paper do not tend to have a very high IQ'.
My doctor just told me that i was color blind
that came completely out of the orange
My daughter told me she doesn’t like the Odyssey.
I told her: that’s odd, I see.
I Was Told You Might Like My Valentines Day Cards ;)
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
A friend told me that the ball drop was a minute late
The ball was dropped at the ball drop.
I asked all the countries in the world if they wanted to throw a party. All of them told me they can't because of covid.
Only one was like "Yemen"
I told my gay friend a joke
He couldn't keep a straight face
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
I’m a proud dad. My daughter just told me this joke. In Hawaii, do people laugh loud?
Or is it a low ha (Aloha)
My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.
Me: “How do you know it was going to school?”
I told my friend I was going to rob a toy store for some board games
He said I could go to jail for it. I said it was a Risk worth taking
Proud dad moment: My five year old and I were discussing Halloween candy. I told him I like Kit-Kats.
He picked out a Butterfinger from his bag, held it up, and said “Kit-Kats are good but these are butter.”
My friend told me, "Did you know trees drop edible stuff, that aren't fruit?"
"That's nuts." I replied.
I got really upset when my wife told me that I had no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I told my therapist I can’t get the Grease soundtrack out of my head...
My sister told me she was constipated
I told her, she was full of crap
My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
I told them, "Just you wait!"
On the way to the therapist, I told my wife, “You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren’t you?”
She said, “Yeah.”
I said, “I knew it!”
My wife has been telling me to put a stop to my animal impressions for a while now. Today, she furiously told to me stop a flamingo impression I had been practicing for a while now.
I realized that was it, and I had to put my foot down.
I was told I can't use eBay anymore.
I don't know why exactly, they just said it was for biddin'
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
I just spoke with Bill Withers and told him "Ain't No Sunshine" is poor grammar.
He said "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know..."
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