My wife said "I look fat, give me a compliment"
I said "you got perfect eyesight."
Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield? I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket
Give me your best duck puns
I live for them, they quack me up. Give me what y'all got >:)
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
Little Johnny has diarrhoea and asks his mom, "Hey mom, do you have Viagra?" The mom goes, "What? What on Earth do you need that for?" "Well, isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"
What happens when you give the Devil two eyes and turn him around?
He becomes Livid.
I'll see myself out now.
What do you call it when a Gun gives birth to a Monkey
A Chimp off the old Glock
When life gives you melons
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
today is my first cake day so I decided to give you guys a joke
What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls?
Rick O Shea
why don't oysters give to charity?
because they're shellfish
When Scooby Doo gives you a hickey
Dad working on car: “give me that thingamajig...the doohickey”
Daughter: “SCOOBY DOO didn’t GIVE ME A HICKEY”
Ps, it was much funnier in my head and when I came up with it and told my girlfriend. I didn’t know how to put it in words so it sucks.
Give man a match and you'll keep him warm for a minute.
Set man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....
They tried to give my cat an award for his butt
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if she’d had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, “So you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”
Hey did you ever hear about the psychic that only gives you good news?
What does Mission Impossible's star give when he f**ks up?
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
Rick Astley will give you all the movies from his Pixar collection except one
His never gonna give you Up
If you give a man named Rick a pat on the back
Why don’t crabs give to charity?
Because they are shellfish
Why did Bilbo Baggins not want to give up the ring?
It was a force of hobbit.
She gives birth at the hospital entrance.
what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?
Found this on r/cursedcomments - the post (by u/Atom596 ) was removed for some reason so I couldn't crosspost but wanted to give the op credit
I tried to give the Uber Eats driver another tip for my Vietnamese soup.
A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a rum..............and coke."
"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure, I was born with them"
When a cow gives birth
Then it’s de-calf-inated.
I asked the barber to replace most of what the last barber did, make it three times longer, and give it three parts.
He said “oh, you want the Snyder Cut”.
Let me give you a bit of advice....
What do you call rocks that give bad advice?
I told me my doctor I didn’t want her to give me stitches.
She said “fine, suture self.”
A doctor was teaching a class, and wanted to give a pop quiz about tolerance and observance when dealing with the cadavers. (L) (On Mobile)
Teacher: “So I want everyone to understand that a dead body isn’t disgusting, and we need to be able to handle it and always be observant at all times when dealing with one”
The teacher has everyone turn their body over
Teacher: “Now I want you all to stick your finger in it’s ass and hold it in there for a moment”
all of the students do as instructed, hesitant at first
Teacher: “Okay, now go ahead and pull your finger out and then put a finger in your mouth like I do”
The students getting a little disgusted by that request REALLY hesitated at first, but eventually they all did as he asked
As the teacher has all of his students with their finger in their mouth, he tells the class, “now see it’s not disgusting if you did it right...if you put your index finger in the ass, and put your middle finger in your mouth like I did, you have just passed my class”.
With minimal observance, and a dead silent room...not one student passed the pop quiz
When people tell me I'm good at the theremin, I have to give credit to my wife.
She also likes it when I don't touch her.
When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain
Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.
well, you know what they say... when life gives you melons...
You’re probably dislexic.
My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy.
Atleast that's what she said in her diary.
If you give a man a fish, you feed him for the day.
If you give a man a poisoned fish, you feed him for his lifetime.
What kind of a prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in a year?
How do whales give birth?
Met a suspicious guy in a graveyard trying to give me a watch.
The fact a body was attached to it made it a dead giveaway.
When life gives you melons
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
Why don’t crabs give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
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