A guy on my street holds the world record for most concussions

He only lives a stone's throw away

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_jimmy_02
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27
🚨︎ report
Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.

I was like well damn.

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Branith
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of glue can you use to hold ice blocks together?

igloo

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eat-rainbows
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone with great hair who can't hold down a job?

A hair-do-well...

[Just thought of that one as I was looking in the mirror.]

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danieltkessler
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
Why did the clown hold the door open?

Because it's a nice jester

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ginks_21
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
🚨︎ report
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says

β€œFive beers, please.”

πŸ‘︎ 954
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
"There are five types of people..." *holds up two fingers *

Those who understand roman numerals, and those who don't...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mike_OxonFaier
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
I tried to build a shelf to hold all my favorite Brie Larson movies

But I didn’t have Room

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tvkyle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
With the holidays near, to set a festive atmosphere at your table, be sure you have a shiny chrome plate to hold your condiment sauce. Why?

Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IranRPCV
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Asked my kids this morning to bring their laundry and separate it into whites and colors. My son holds up some grey sweats and asks which pile.

My response: Not sure son, that’s kind of a grey area.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What letter holds the most water?

C.

(My eight-year-old just told me this and got me.)

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rossumcapek
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't hold in your farts...

They will travel up your spin and you will have shitty ideas.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattskacus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad holds baby boy

Baby smiles and starts to coo. "Hai ku, I am dad."

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A roman walks into a bar and holds up 2 fingers.

"I'll take 5 beers, please " he said.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I built a spice rack that wasn't big enough to hold all my spices

I lost track of all of space and thyme

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob1978
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
"Fellow Spearman, why must you hold your spear in such an irregular stance?"

But then it hit them why he was holding it in a overhand grip.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTaminus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you know when someone can't hold their beer?

When they bring a coaster.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AequitasKiller
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
So my daughter is clearing the table and holds her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."

"I'm breathing underwater."

I've never been prouder.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Which spice girl can hold the most petrol?

Geri can!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.

I was like well damm

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stalingrad420
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
If you get hit in the face, the home treatment is to hold a raw steak against it to reduce swelling...

...it does more than meats the eye.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I wondered if I’d ever have the strength to hold things together like I used to

I’m a frayed knot

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/psykotic24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Julius Caesar walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers

And says "Give me five beers".

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BumperBabyAngel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an onion that won’t hold water?

A leek.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hopgeek
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My 6yo holds a slice of red pepper up to my face and breaks it towards me. Me: β€œUgh, what did you do that for. You got me all wet.”

β€œThat was pepper spray.”

Got me!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gorescittmore
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens when someone is put on hold for a long period of time?

They gain wait.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy told me he’d give me $5 if I could tell him two things that hold water. I though for a minute then said....

Well dam.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotJustAmy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Hold your horses!
πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to hold myself on a pedestal

Now I'm banned from the museum

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scamperillium
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
*holds water bottle* You see this? *drops water bottle*

Waterfall

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vissthebeast
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into his doctors office saying, β€œHelp me, doctor, I’m shrinking.” β€œHold on,” says the doctor,

β€œBe a little patient.”

πŸ‘︎ 734
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man who falls off a rocky ledge but holds on long enough to

Cliff Hanger... Or Mr Hanger if your being formal.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Hold the Mayo..
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I was watching back to the future and I am amazed at how well they hold up.

They truly were ahead of their time

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JukeboxHero5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
One of my talents is finding it easy to fasten the strap that holds the saddle to a horse...

It's a cinch!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What race did Sean Connery hold in Poland?

The Indianapolish 500

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Iwantmahandback
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I once attempted to hold a scarecrow’s hand

But found myself grasping at straws.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HanlonRazor
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to know a teacher who could never hold a fart in.

He was a terrible private tooter.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I got the chance to hold the world's largest cucumber today.

I've gotta say, it really was quite cumbersome.

When I dropped it, i thought i was in quite a pickle.

But then someone said "it's no big dill".

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PencilFetish
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I bet it holds a lot
πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HiDDENk00l
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says

"Five beers,please."

πŸ‘︎ 139
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Urine trouble if you hold
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm not able to hold 5 gallons of gasoline in me...

...but Jerry can.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThyNameIsP
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend asked me if I could name two different structures that hold water.

I said, "Well, dam..."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
🚨︎ report
I could not think of the name for the triangle that holds the balls in a pool game...

No matter how hard I racked my brain.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I truly admire people who can hold 9 to 5 jobs

I can barely work 2 jobs at once myself

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KuboS0S
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you hold a party in space?

You have to planet

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeepenTeepen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Hold the door open for a clown

It's a nice jester.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/araitisaname
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.

I was like well damn.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scottspears89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report

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