If the government included a clutch of baby chickens along with the stimulus funds...

Does this mean we got money for nothing and our chicks for free?

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 03
🚨︎ report
I saw a man collapse on the pavement and clutch his chest. He begged me to call him a doctor.

So I said: "You're a doctor."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yokelwombat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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If you have an issue with your clutch...

it must really grind your gears

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedyHead
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
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My wife hates Christmas, but I saw this cute little Santa clutch bag, I just had to buy it for her...

But when I gave it to her she just said "Bah handbag"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/83n170
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
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What books do cars like to read?

Autobiographies.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wotmate
πŸ“…︎ May 21
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A woman goes to the doctor clutching her cheek...

The doctor asks β€œWhat’s the problem?” The woman removes her her hand to reveal an area of green grass with a tree growing out of the middle, with some people in deck chairs picnicking next to a small lake. β€œOh that’s nothing to worry about” said the doctor, β€œits just a beauty spot”.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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What’s a Dogs favorite type of transmission?

A STICK!!!

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WestTexasOilman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
What did German Shrek say when he was saved from the clutches of the dragon?

Danke!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thedhusquad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
🚨︎ report
The rotation of the Earth really makes my day.
πŸ‘︎ 408
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefisforfinance
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2018
🚨︎ report
You know what really grinds my gears?

No pushing in the clutch all the way.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/g00secs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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I saw a street artist who painted gear shifts

It was pretty clutch.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/geldonyetich
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
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Are U2 Irish?

My dad, sister and I were driving home the other night when a U2 song came on the radio. He asked us if we knew what the song was about (Sunday Bloody Sunday). I knew, and mentioned it's unfortunate source. My sister then asks from the back seat "Are U2 Irish?" to which my dad responds "Nope! We're Canadian!" and then begins laughing so hard that he is practically in tears and snorting. He didn't stop for a good 2 or 3 minutes. My sister and I just shook our heads slowly.

πŸ‘︎ 776
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanBMan
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2015
🚨︎ report
Laid this one on my girlfriend last night...

Her - "I love this little purse. I hardly ever wear it because it's so small. I'm always forgetting what's inside it. It's always exciting to see what I'll find!"

Me - "huh, I guess one might say it's a grab bag. (insert dad face)

P.s. I don't know how to italicize.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WinkleStinkle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2016
🚨︎ report
I invented a mushroom fueled car!

But the clutch wouldn't engage.

I guess you could say mycorrizhae-dle.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZeroJoke
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Currently learning to drive:

Me: I hate it when I try to change gear and accidentally lift the clutch too early

Dad: Me too, it really grinds my gears.

πŸ‘︎ 243
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sam596
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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I told MY first dadjoke today - I've been spending some time studying my own father for inspiration...

My seven year old daughter was jumping on the bed when she clutched her mouth, fell and yelled out, "Dad, I kneed my teeth!"

I replied, "you're right, you do need your teeth, and you will for a long time."

She punched me in the face.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/T2000iceCOLD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
🚨︎ report
You know what really grinds my gears?

When you drive my car without using the clutch!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waxingmoondog
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2015
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my friend's sister yesterday...

NOTE: My friend, the same one from this post, has a sister who's only 6. She has not yet learned the ways of the world, and the fact that it contains me and my terrible jokes.

I stumble into the living room, clutching my stomach and groaning.

Friend: What's wrong with you?

Me: I don't know, but I think I have a serious case of updog.

Friend's Sister: What's updog?

I stand up straight, with a big smile on my face.

Me: Not much, how about you?

Friend: Oh, Christ.

EDIT: Formatting and grammar.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PixelatedBaloney
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2014
🚨︎ report
One of my father's best.

My mom walks into the house from outside and yells: "Is anyone in earshot?"

My dad, falling to the floor clutching his stomach: "Now that you mention it!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoyoyoyo-yoda
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2013
🚨︎ report

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