A sighborg.
All offenses aside, I’m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.
So an Irishman stumbles upon a genie’s lamp and says to himself “ooh laddy what have we found here? I tink I’ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!”
So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genie’s form becomes solid. It speaks, “Oh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.”
The Irishman’s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts “tree wishes?! That’s just brilliant!” For me first wish, I’ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.”
The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. “Well I tink we’ll have to put this to the test!” He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, “Ahhhhhhhh!!!” And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping “bulp!”, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. “WELL I’LL BE! THAT’S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!”
The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman “Master, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?”
The Irishman looks to the genie and says “oh tat’s easy! I’ll have two more of these!”
It's a cellphone battery charge
The dirtiest clean joke I know...
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.
Credit to Redd Foxx
The pickpocket snatches your watch. The peeping tom does the opposite.
Said “this site could not be found”.
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What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.
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If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.
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Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
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Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.
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I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.
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Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.
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I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *
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Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.
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I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?
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Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
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I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.
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Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.
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Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?
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Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
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When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.
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I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.
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Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.
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Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."
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I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.
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Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?
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Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.
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Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.
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Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"
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I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.
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So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.
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When you get an infection, urine trouble.
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"Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."
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How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."
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Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.
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Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *
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What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *
*My absolut
... keep reading on reddit ➡Backstory: I play in a small band that does a "tour" of southern Wisconsin every year. The bands name is the Petty Thieves. This is my first year with them, but every year they come up with a tour name and make nice t-shirts and material with the tour name on them. Last two tour names were "Sticky Fingers" and "Busted!" We are looking for something related to the band name. Something clever and crime related. If it has mild sexual innuendo, all the better, but not overtly obscene. Some tour names we came up with are: Five Finger Discount, Backdoor Tour, Snatching Kisses, Kissing Snatches, Robbing the Cradle, Something something Miss Demeanors, Spread 'em, Felonious Funk, Unlawful Entry, Rhymes against Humanity, etc...
If you have anything punny, please throw it out there. Top 3 upvoted names get reddit gold. If we use your tour name, I'l send you the tshirt. Thanks kind sirs!
What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
One goes "Smack....dang it" and the other goes "Dang it...smack!"
Also what is the difference between a plumbing supply company and a U boat
One ships sinks and the other sinks ships
My dad, when asked, always says his name is "Free" at coffee shops. When his drink order is up and they call out his name, he asks, "Is it for Free?" Before people get it, he snatches it and runs off laughing.
Friend (drinking some cup ramen): I wonder if Meredith is in this lunch. Me (snatching the cup and peering in): Nope, she's definitely not in this one.
