My Child's Paediatrician is usually a bit short tempered when we visit, but then again..
..She always had little patients.
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︎ Jan 23 2021
A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..
.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.
π︎ 57
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︎ Jan 06 2021
Every summer I get bit by one thousand and twenty four bugs.
My wife told me to get over it cause it was just one byte.
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︎ Jan 02 2021
I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.
Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
π︎ 11
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︎ Jan 08 2021
When the road is a bit rocky...
π︎ 32
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︎ Dec 26 2020
2 of our friends came over at around 1 AM and to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed to let them in
Hadnβt cleaned the house all year
π︎ 22
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︎ Jan 01 2021
My dog was acting a bit angry since I took him to the vets and get him neutered
But Iβm not worried, since he doesnβt have the balls to do anything
π︎ 11
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︎ Jan 20 2021
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
π︎ 88
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I turned off the fan because I was a bit cold...
I wonder why everyone else on the helicopter is panicking?
π︎ 49
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︎ Dec 21 2020
Let me give you a bit of advice....
π︎ 25
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︎ Dec 14 2020
A bit later than usual, but here's Dadvent day 9!
π︎ 33
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︎ Dec 09 2020
My employer asked me to tell a bit about myself
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︎ Dec 18 2020
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︎ Nov 27 2020
My girlfriend owns a bit of a golden Nile serpent...
She has a nice piece of asp!
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 01 2021
I'm going to open a pizza joint where they shake a box a bit before they hand it to you.
I'll call it Little Seizures.
π︎ 438
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︎ Sep 20 2020
I know, I know... This pun was a bit nutty
π︎ 10
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︎ Nov 20 2020
A girl came up to me and said she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant. I was a bit confused.
π︎ 24
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︎ Nov 28 2020
Imade a similar one a few days ago bit i fpund more squirrels
π︎ 70
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︎ Nov 01 2020
my friend bit me and told me I was transgender
so I said βoh wow, I didnβt know it could transpireβ
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 20 2020
Punny & a bit wholesome.
π︎ 38
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︎ Oct 08 2020
Many Folks Donβt Know that Santa Often has to Clean the Small Bits of Poo from his Reindeer Butts.
They call them Jingle Berries.
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 09 2020
I was going to tell an Amish joke, but it's a bit insensitive
But then I remembered they'll never read it here anyways.
π︎ 4
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︎ Nov 24 2020
Itβs a bit calculated to understand this pun
π︎ 15
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︎ Oct 24 2020
What do you call a guy who comes across a bit rude and abrupt?
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 25 2020
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
... so I bought a seal iron
π︎ 5
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︎ Oct 08 2020
Looking to learn a bit more about the foods we traditionally eat on Thanksgiving...
Can anyone recommend a good bog about cranberries?
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 26 2020
My 4y olds temp is a bit high this morning so I told her she was as sick as a dog we have to take her to the vet.
She was a bit scared a very confused until we showed up at grandmas house as usual. Happy Veterans Day to my mom and those who served ! and thanks to all of you that are AD | NAD | TRS | TAMP for your service.
π︎ 7
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︎ Nov 11 2020
My infant son is a bit constipated. My wife was like "I want to weigh him today" and I said that's not a good idea. She asked why...
Because he is full of shit.
She responded "you shouldn't say that"
I responded "what he just lies all day."
Real convo
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 03 2020
I am not proud of this... okay maybe a little bit
π︎ 8
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︎ Sep 21 2020
βBack in the day...β my dad started to say. βYou could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...β he lamented...
βWherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"
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︎ Aug 11 2020
I saw yet another fence joke but this one seemed a bit out of line
So I offered to repost it
π︎ 11
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︎ Sep 07 2020
A bit nervous, but yesterday I volunteered for the COVID-19 vaccine trials.
The vaccine is one that was created in Russia. I received my first shot this morning at 7:00 am, and I wanted to let you all know that itβs completely safe, with ΠΈo side effects whatsoeveΡ, and that I feelshΞΊΞΉ ΟoΟoshΞΏΜ Ρ ΡΡΠ²ΡΡΠ²ΡΡ ΡΠ΅Π±Ρ Π½Π΅ΠΌΠ½ΠΎΠ³ΠΎ ΡΡΡΠ°Π½Π½ΠΎ ΠΈ Ρ Π΄ΡΠΌΠ°Ρ, ΡΡΠΎ Π²ΡΡΠ°ΡΠΈΠ» ΠΎΡΠ»ΠΈΠ½ΡΠ΅ ΡΡΠΈ.
π︎ 12
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︎ Sep 28 2020
What's yellow, and a bit bent?
π︎ 2
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︎ Aug 28 2020
Weβve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him, and it turns out he is a pilot on furlough, earning a bit of cash.
He did a lovely job of the landing.
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 12 2020
Man, 2020 is rough. But I have a little bit of hope for you.
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︎ Jul 13 2020
One time in my anatomy class, we dissected a sheep brain and I have to admit, I felt a bit sheepish about it.
Sorry, that was just a ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-d joke.
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︎ Sep 15 2020
Crypto-currency has become so popular in Iceland that bit-mining has now overtaken the countryβs music industry in total bandwidth usage.
This comes as little surprise however, as Icelandβs BjΓΆrk has always been worse than their byte.
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 10 2020
Doing a bit of money laundering.
π︎ 8
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︎ Jun 07 2020
My doctor bit my neck and tried to give me a hickey.
1 star review for Dr. Acula
π︎ 11
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︎ Aug 24 2020
Australiaβs recovery from Covid-19 is a bit like a Spice Girls reunion
Victoria ruins it for everyone
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︎ Jul 30 2020
A bit startled, I asked, "Officer, why are you crying while writing me my ticket?β He sighed...
"Itβs a moving violation!"
π︎ 9
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︎ Aug 04 2020
Got bit by a sheep tic amidst this pandemic
Now I have corona and lymes
π︎ 7
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︎ Aug 08 2020
At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, "Paper or plastic?" She responded, "It makes no difference to me. You choose." The bagger explained that he isn't allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.
I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.
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︎ Jan 27 2020
Heres a bit of advice for you all
π︎ 679
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︎ Apr 14 2020
Weβve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot whoβs been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jun 09 2020
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