β€œBack in the day...” my dad started to say. β€œYou could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he lamented...

β€œWherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"

πŸ‘︎ 192
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11
🚨︎ report
My doctor bit my neck and tried to give me a hickey.

1 star review for Dr. Acula

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24
🚨︎ report
Man, 2020 is rough. But I have a little bit of hope for you.

h

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/emrakull
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13
🚨︎ report
You would think that a Snail without a shell would move that bit faster ?

But it's actually more sluggish.

πŸ‘︎ 190
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18
🚨︎ report
A bit startled, I asked, "Officer, why are you crying while writing me my ticket?” He sighed...

"It’s a moving violation!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04
🚨︎ report
Got bit by a sheep tic amidst this pandemic

Now I have corona and lymes

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tbonemistake
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08
🚨︎ report
Australia’s recovery from Covid-19 is a bit like a Spice Girls reunion

Victoria ruins it for everyone

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/3Gums
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30
🚨︎ report
Doing a bit of money laundering.
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thelavenderlily
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
🚨︎ report
The project to restore Big Ben was a bit behind schedule, so the construction company put on a third shift...

Men are now working around the clock.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19
🚨︎ report
Heres a bit of advice for you all

Advi

πŸ‘︎ 674
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brosthetic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.

He made a lovely job of the landing.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tommadds
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
I bought these textured gloves earlier but got a tiny bit of blue paint on them

Guess you could say I’m feeling a little blue

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gavanthino
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27
🚨︎ report
(For Star Trek dads) Locutus of Borg redid his kitchen floor. A bit of it didn't come up easily, though...

The resistance was a few tiles.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Metalprof
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18
🚨︎ report
Your a bit....
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrSigmaNut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
🚨︎ report
I went to America once and tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...

...so I had to faucet

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hideandsheep
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05
🚨︎ report
At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, "Paper or plastic?" She responded, "It makes no difference to me. You choose." The bagger explained that he isn't allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.

I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.

πŸ‘︎ 633
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/massivevivid
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27
🚨︎ report
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....

They're my quilty pleasure

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lokimonoxide
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
I recently tried on some new shoes and I told the salesman they felt a bit snug. He told me to try pulling the tongue.

β€œOK,” I said, β€œbuth I don’th know how thith will helpth”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mlucasr
πŸ“…︎ May 25
🚨︎ report
What vegetable is only a little bit cool?

A radish.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skwee-wee
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01
🚨︎ report
If my eyeglasses were just a little bit stronger

I would enter them in a weightlifting competition.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ May 13
🚨︎ report
Alittle bit nervous
πŸ‘︎ 241
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I fell in love with the tick that bit me when I was on a trip to Rome

It was a Romantic gesture

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nitefury07
πŸ“…︎ May 18
🚨︎ report
I have a great business idea but i need someone to help me. I go to the toilet and you tie up bits of string.

I shit you knot

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ExistentialYurt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24
🚨︎ report
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,

I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xxUsernameMichael
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
🚨︎ report
Here's a little bit of advice.

adv.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnreese421
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
Had a bit of a chuckle to this
πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CheckMisan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
🚨︎ report
Things have been a bit tense with my wife, with both of us stuck in quarantine all the time. We even had an argument about herbs the other day.

To be honest, it was about thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/whistlepoo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
🚨︎ report
went a bit meta
πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nomorestress
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09
🚨︎ report
My mate, Skippy, is a bit of a nerd. Just last night he spent 2 hours telling me about all the characters named Kang.

For instance, Kang the Conqueror is a fictional supervillain appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics. In 2009, Kang was ranked as IGN's 65th Greatest Comic Book Villain of All Time

or

In the Simpsons , Kang is a Rigellian from Rigel 7. He and his sister Kodos continuously try to take over Earth and are usually seen attacking Springfield. Kang and Kodos have a lot of space weaponry at hand and have their own spaceship. They speak the Rigellian language, which, by coincidence, is identical to English. Although they look identical, Kang has a deeper voice than Kodos.

I guess you could say Skippy is a Kang Guru...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
🚨︎ report
I've never been excited over drill bits...

...I've always considered them to be boring tools.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
🚨︎ report
Sorry guys but I’m feeling a little bit puny today
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Saltperalta90
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22
🚨︎ report
Last St. Patrick's Day I went out drinking, had a bit too much so I took a bus home.

That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shantron5000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17
🚨︎ report
Kids, little bit of a lesson for you. Time flies like an arrow.

And fruit flies like a banana.

πŸ‘︎ 695
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SirMalcolmK
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
It is a bit nippy out
πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/daveboe88
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Yes, I'm a tailor who is a bit hard of hearing

SEW WHAT?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BaldingMonk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02
🚨︎ report
My snowman is a bit fat, but it's all water weight. imgur.com/kwHfWB1
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kodyodyo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Let me begin by telling you a little bit about myself..

It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'...

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tr8orst8x3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
To call the whole Elon Musk controversy β€œElon-Gate” seems like a bit of a stretch
πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JuIius_Seizure95
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Every bit of this pun is on porpoise
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/doyouhavetono
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
So, I was on the train the other day, and you know how it takes a while to get to the city, well my phone battery was flat and I didn't have a book, so I was a bit bored, but then I realised that there is all this cool graffiti on the tunnel walls... and um... so my phone was dead... and.. the city?

Oh darn it! I lost my train of thought.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tyrannosaur85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22
🚨︎ report
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. β€œDo you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. β€œNot at all” I replied.

β€œGood, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.

πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
🚨︎ report
That’s a bit toe far
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Batsk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Thought this could stay here for a bit.
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-boulder-
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Doing my bit for the environment, minimising my carb-on footprint
πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KnightB3ar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Here’s a little bit of advice.

Advi

πŸ‘︎ 244
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TeeFarkas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My dwarf wife has been feeling a bit down lately
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jarinrud2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
A bit too late for confession, Arthur.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Christmas is going to get a bit violent later...

Someone told me to deck the halls

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kingprawnsct
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
He was feeling a little bit off.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Bit of a cheesy joke
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/balloon_police
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm in a bit of legal trouble, I guess I should call -
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Archer3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A bit too late for confession, Arthur.
πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
The cheesiest pun i've seen in a good bit
πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Amcnugget
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
🚨︎ report
The template is a bit plane
πŸ‘︎ 131
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShadowEggZ
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Sorry guys, this one is a bit dirty
πŸ‘︎ 98
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ercarlson
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I was a bit afraid of making breakfast this Halloween morning but...

I ain’t afraid of no toast

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scottspears89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween

But I ain't afraid of no toast.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
A rope walks into a bar & asks for a beer. The bartender says, β€œNo, you’re only a rope.” So he decides to disguise himself. He ties himself into a knot & ruffles his edges a bit. The next day, he walks into the bar & asks for a beer. The bartender says, β€œOf course... Wait, aren’t you that rope?”

And the rope replies, β€œI’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/allyyx3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I had to get my pet lizard some Valium as he's been a bit stressed out lately.

Now he's a calmer calmer calmer calmer calmer chameleon.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kaythor85
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
This is a good one and maybe a bit unintentional
πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KillaMG97
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
If everyone has the same and I have a little bit more...

Mequality

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nimja_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I was a bit afraid of making breakfast this Halloween morning but...

I ain't afraid of no toast.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
He ate it bit by bit...
πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Deb_Eternity
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Just mentioned to the Mrs that I’ve always had a little bit of a thing for BeyoncΓ©. β€œwhatever floats your boat” she said. β€œNo” I said β€œthat’s buoyancy”
πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My guitar seems to be tuned a bit flat
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Been overfeeding my dog a bit. Want him to be a little husky.
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jvargaszabo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you guys think this ikea pillowcase is a bit Gurli?
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Musical-Comic-69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
If you find yourself a bit down or lost go to Korea

It's the best place to do a bit of Seoul searching

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Trev2-D2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you eat a tiny bit of another person?

A cannibble.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PrinceCheddar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report
The plot thickens. And not a small bit
πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Teuntie05
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
They are acting a bit sour don't you think
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ethonio1231
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the woman who went on vacation and got bit by a shark?

Her trip cost her an arm and a leg.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PurpelBananas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Having children is a lot like making pancakes. The first one is always a bit weird...

...but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
🚨︎ report
So a Californian man has been in Boston for quite some time and has picked up on their accent a bit.

He was discussing vehicles with his friend and his friend asked if he had a truck. The Californian man responds, β€œno, but I avocado”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fireflamingos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Hmmm i don't know he seems a bit sketchy
πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FeMiR6226
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I tad bit dark, but good
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
In a museum, found the boring bit
πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FloopersRetreat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m a bit uneducated. Whenever the World Health Organization is in the news…

I gotta ask β€œWHO?”

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/deceze
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
A bit old
πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kbro18
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Everyday I like to take a little bit of time just kind of set it aside and forget about it

That way by the end of the year I'll have a few days to myself

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
a bit cheasy
πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pizzapipol
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I had pizza that made me shake a bit.

It was from Little Seizures.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsKilLikeMine
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
It has been a bit of a strange day today... First of all I found a hat full of money in our local High Street,

then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Every day I like to take a little bit of time,kinda set it aside,and forget about it...

That way,by the end of the year,I'll have a few days to myself.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
So you all feel a bit less post ma-lonely
πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drkok69
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
🚨︎ report
It's been a bit of a strange day...

...First I found a hat full of money...Then I got chased down the road by an angry man with a guitar?

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grenish23
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Both make me a bit tensor
πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_logic-bomb_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Local city sign with a bit of humour
πŸ‘︎ 429
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/djeclipz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
🚨︎ report
This might be a little bit door-key, but I like puns
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Really nice bit of furniture I spotted earlier. Just think it should have been Aloha price.
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œBack in the day...” my grandfather started to say. β€œYou could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

β€œBut today...” he continued. β€œWherever you go, there are cameras...”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2018
🚨︎ report

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