Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.

I wanted to become a fun guy.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Masderus-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I used to eat watches and clocks for every meal, but I had to stop.

It was too time consuming.

πŸ‘︎ 945
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bombsaway1083
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What do Mexicans eat when it's cold out?

Brrrritos

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trtlman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do the French only eat one egg at breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
"What do sea monsters eat?"

"Fish and ships"

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zanahoriaman6
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Attila the Hun had a pet snake who refused to eat.

He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.

As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.

Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.

When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,

"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_wild_redditer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My teacher was talking about how her new puppy likes to eat rocks and...

https://preview.redd.it/0v9ktic4jrc61.png?width=462&format=png&auto=webp&s=71d4573f3dce3295220e65c8756cfa02b7319211

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Garlic-Nice
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Went to a new local grocery store called mommas and pappas. I bought a head of lettuce but just couldn't eat it...

Because all the leaves are brown.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BamaPaul
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm planning to implement a new weight-loss method that will require people to wear winter gloves making it harder for them to eat.

I will call it "Inter-mitten fasting".

πŸ‘︎ 107
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jhnrmn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
What do Italian ghosts eat?

Spooketti Boolognese.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BarnesDude
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What type of a snack does a cannibal eat?

Little Debbie

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Audacioustrash
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a candle eats another candle?

Candlebalism

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Why can't blind people eat fish?

It's Seafood

πŸ‘︎ 579
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RoboMaster2K
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of snacks do firefighters eat?

Firecrackers.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you eat too much peanut butter?

Reese’s feces

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElricGreywolf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend said, β€œMy kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”

Me: Cats. Cats love fish.

πŸ‘︎ 602
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend is addicted to watching other people eat a gingerbread house.

Doctors are calling it munch housing by proxy.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you eat for breakfast on cake day?

Puncakes.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pirate-Frog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

πŸ‘︎ 185
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mari_kitsuro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
If you eat beef, you automatically become accountable...

Because you’re now a steakholder

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cocomaybechanel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the kids eat their homework?

Their teacher said it was a piece of cake.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johannes_Cabal_NA
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm not supposed to eat anything too suite.

I've got typo diabetes.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, β€œDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...

β€œNo thanks, I’m stuffed!"

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't Neo eat his ice cream?

Because there is no spoon

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/localgasgiant
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
What do cats eat on their birthdays?

Mice cream cake

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bhengz23
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What does cthulhu eat for breakfast?

Yog-urt and elder berries.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mbowk23
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I was told not to eat the candy in court...

Those are judge mints

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Inmates at HMP Manchester are refusing to eat the Moroccan spiced chicken dish they're given every Friday, claiming it is being used to secretly medicate them with aggression-suppressants hidden in the sauce.

That sounds to me like one of those cons' piri piri theories.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
You shouldn't eat stationery.

It could become a staple of your diet.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brundonius
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
If the old adage "You are what you eat." was actually true, what food would rappers never eat?

An orange, because they don't rhyme.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zeppo_007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do people from the alt right only eat fresh food?

- Because they hate left overs

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rubenmiq
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Why can't blind people eat ocean fish?

Because it's see-food!

my 11 year old daughter ran in here while cooking greens and dropped that knowledge on us. I couldn't be more proud lol.

edit: just wanted to let those of you who have is awards that I appreciate it! I told my daughter about them and she asked if she can keep telling jokes for me to put on here lol. should get fairly interesting.

thanks all. I hope you had a great turkey gobble day

πŸ‘︎ 153
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberrich
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't try to eat the chickens in Minecraft.

They're too gamey.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YDAQ
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the coldest sandwich you can eat?

A brrrrrrger

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I tried to give the Uber Eats driver another tip for my Vietnamese soup.

He said to pho-get it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robindc_93
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I grilled up some fish for dinner for a friend one time, they told me they didn't eat seafood.

I told them it was fine, because I caught the fish in a lake.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Masderus-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who eats other people slowly?

A cannibble.

πŸ‘︎ 262
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a gay horse eat?

Haaaayyyyy

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Which part of the vegetable shouldn’t you eat?

The wheelchair

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irishlamb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Remember the good old days, when we used to eat cake, after someone blew all over it ?

Man....we were wild .

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the cannibal eat the gymnast?

Because they wanted a well balanced diet.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do the French only eat one egg for breakfast?

Because for them, one egg is un oeuff

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/robindc_93
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you know why the French eat just one egg for breakfast?

Because in France, one egg is Un ouef.

πŸ‘︎ 841
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tamizander
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheIndrajitKar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheEmperor_06
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report

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