Eating Puns

I said, “Who is this guy?”

My grandfather: That’s my hip replacement.

my stomach is filled with butterflies

It was a millennial falcon.

I wanted to become a fun guy.

He pasta way too young.

One starts at the head, one starts at the feet

one goes to the other - "how's it going?"

the other goes - "I'm having a ball"

first cannibal goes - "slow down, you're eating too fast"

... Then they had to ban nanna

It's a death metal.

8yo: "There, I ate!"

Me [points at 9yo]: "Good job! She nine."

8yo: 🤔?

9yo: "Ugh. Because I'm nine and you're eight. You ate. I nine?"

8yo: "Daaaad!"

I just want some peas and quiet.

They charged one, and let the other off

Pacific Rim

iHop

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

Slim to Nun?

(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)

because they are little fishy

The steaks were too high

It’s a real pane in the ass.

Oops, wrong sub!

This was an act of wonton destruction.

But I just can’t quit cold turkey

Falafel

....the next time I pooped I had a vowel movement. But I'm a bit worried that all the other letters still haven't come out. It's been a while now so I went to see my doctor. He said it wasn't a big deal. I was just a little consonantipated.

Pro deuce

It was the best watermelon I've ever had in my life! What a melon!

"Hey Cat, 'sup?"

Because everything they do in-jest!

Mosquitoes

Lettuce romaine calm

Because they taste funny!

It's time consuming

Police are investigating a possible hummus side.

"Ohhh, that tasted a little funny."

I replied, “I'm on the toilet, please advise…”

But I think it's a naan issue.

I said right between winner-land and loser-land

He's a bit of an awkwaardvark.

... when one accidentally fell out of my mouth and into the nut bowl. My girlfriend then asked: "So if I find a wet nut in there, I'm just supposed to act ca-shew?"

Yeah, I'm definitely putting a ring on her.

I always end up with a hare in my food...

Finding half a one

Tudor food

But I’m not about to quit cold turkey

But lettuce romaine calm !!