β€œWell, this thing’s all screwed!” Wife shouts as the leg breaks off my handmade dining table today.

β€œDang!” I replied. β€œI really thought I’d nailed it.”

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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Dining indoors is still sketchy
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frostybunz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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My wife said she wanted a dining table ...

but for some reason she just rolled her eyes when I suggested this one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/P1h3r1e3d13
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture...

But when I got home, the tables were turned...

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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What should you do right after you have sex in a large formal dining room?

Tablespoon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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I’ve been donating a lot of dining room sets to people in need lately.

I guess I’m just feeling very chairtable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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If I ever own a mare, Im naming her

Nadine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quenoquesoporque
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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What's Irish and sits out on the sidewalk

Paddy O'Dining

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tallpapab
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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Had a horrible experience dining out last night. The waiter made us eat our spaghetti with a spoon.

I complained to the owner, but even she didn’t give a fork.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cynid3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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As I was walking down the street, an old man came up to me and explained all the benefits of dining on meals with mint derived from sub-shrub herbs...

I thanked him for the sage advice but went on about my business.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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My girlfriend and I were looking at a new apartment today. It seemed nice, but I was disappointed by the lack of furniture in the dining room. "What do you think?" She asked.

I replied, "Notable."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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I saw a marquis outside a restaurant that read"Family dining since '53"

I thought, they really need to kick that family out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
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I was tidying up the dining room when I dropped a coaster...

It rolled away and I exclaimed, β€œLook, a rollercoaster!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/McCleavage
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant

... and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cuzziewuzzie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2015
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As my friend Richard sat at my dining room table, I went to the kitchen and poured him a glass of milk and mixed in some brown powder from the yellow box in the pantry. That is how...

...I got Rich Quick.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
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I made a dining set out of books...

It even has a table of contents!

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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Parked outside my favourite restaurant and ended up with a parking ticket...

Fined dining.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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Walked into the dining room to find my kids eating burnt cookies

My son says "daddy look, mommy made cookies!" Knowing it meant being kicked out of the kitchen, I still said, "actually son, those smell like OVERcookies to me"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Monechetti
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2017
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I was dining with a friend when she said she liked wine so much I could call her a wino.

So I said, "You know what they say about white winos?"

"They're endangered"

How am I not a dad yet?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JJumboShrimp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2017
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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My dog was chewing on the dining room leg

So I told him "hey, just because it's A table doesn't make it E table"

The filthy look he gave me made me think this qualifies as a dad joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Puskathesecond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2016
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While dining out my SO and I were talking about the demeanors of the various animals we eat.

Her: "Are cows nice?"

Me: "Of course they are. That's why we tip them."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Griswold00
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2016
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What do you call a Russian fish?

A czar-dine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beastocity1089
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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My in-laws have a dining room table that converts from a square to a round brother-in-law said it was a transformer...

I said it was Oaktimus Pine...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the__blank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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Dining abroad

My father's favourite when dining abroad, being served by waiters whose English aren't perfect:

W: You finish?

D: No, we're Norwegian!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeppelapp
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2014
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There were bottles of Cholula and Tapatio on the dining table

My SO and I were arguing which taste better so we decided to do a blind test on each one.

After deciding that Cholula was better, I said "Now you can tell your friends we experimented to spice up our lives."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/starberiiy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2014
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My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one

I complimented her on picking an unteak.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gunnrhildr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2016
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Have you heard about the new restaurant the Mafia just opened up?

Foot traffic for indoor dining is a little slow, but they do a great TAKEOUT business

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MynameisMatlock
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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Me, to my wife: Do you want to have dinner with one of the Imperial rulers of Germany?

Her: I’m not going to Burger King again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2017
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The guy who paints the center line down the highway came into my deli for a quick bite...

He had to dine and dash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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I think my kid is an alcoholic

he always whines everytime we dine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dasherjim
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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My baby only stops crying when she is fed.

All she wants to do is whine and dine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KidDene
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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I'm still in awe by my fathers' genius.

I'm sitting at the dining room table with my mom just chatting about nothing in particular, when my dad walks with this shit eating grin holding something behind his back. Now for a little background info, my dad NEVER does surprises. And I mean never. So I immediately knew something was up. My mom turns around and asks him what's going on. He tells her to close her eyes and hold out her hands because he got her a surprise. At this point my mom gets really excited and asking, "what is it?! What is it?!" To which my dad replies,

"Do you remember when we went out the other day and you were looking at those new running shoes, but you decided not to get them because they were too expensive?"

To which she responds, "ahhhh! Yes I remember!!"

He then says, "well I saw how much you liked them so I decided to get you a pear."

And he puts a fresh pear in her hands.

She still won't talk to him.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/laxerado1313
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2014
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Texting my girlfriend's dad...

Girlfriend : Can you text my dad and let him know thanks for dinner?

Me : Yeah sure, I replied. I tried to text "Thanks for dinner."

Girlfriend : Delete that text and take the period out. I'm not a period person.

Me : But you are a girl...

Girlfriend gives me side-eye.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ralphwiggumdude
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2015
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Parents come to my boyfriend's house for dinner

My bf's dad tells my parents to "take a seat" as we enter the dining room. My dad promptly takes a chair and exits, then proceeds to bust up in the next room.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimbajab
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2013
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Dad joked while doing a crossword.

My mom was doing a crossword over breakfast with my dad at the dining room table and I overheard her asking him for help on one of the clues.

"'Uplifted' is the clue... Could it be something like 'elified'?" She asked.

Dad quickly replies, "'El-if-I know!"

"God...." My mom groans. I almost spit the milk I was drinking out. He doesn't make dad jokes often, so it took me by surprise :)

πŸ‘︎ 775
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2015
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My wife wants to eat pizza so frequently that it sometimes annoys me.

When we began discussing what to dine on this evening, she says to me, "How about we have something for dinner that starts with a 'p' and ends with an 'a' and isn't pasta?"

I roll my eyes and groan animatedly.

"There is no way a single pea is going to feed all three of us!"

^^She ^^laughed ^^harder ^^at ^^that ^^than ^^any ^^of ^^my ^^previous ^^corny ^^jibes, ^^so ^^I ^^thought ^^I'd ^^share...

πŸ‘︎ 317
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chambadon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2014
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Do any of you have a birthday.

I got a hostess at Disney today.

As we were checking in for a dining reservation, the hostess asks, "Does anyone have a Birthday?"

To which I reply, "We all do... but none of them are today."

My wife's eyes rolled so far, I think they went all the way around.

πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/linux203
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
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Channeling The Beatles

So my wife and eldest daughter are in the dining room and I’m in the kitchen. They are talking about parking a car at school, and getting the ticket that allows this from the office. I step into the room:

Me: β€œYou guys are talking about a ticket to park?”

Kid: β€œYeah”

Me: β€œBut I thought Paul McCartney said it was a ticket to ride...”

Wife: β€œShut up dear”

I look at the kid and point to my wife:

β€œShe don’t care.....”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trazom28
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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I thought I won an argument with my wife on how to arrange the dining room furniture

But when I got home the tables were turned.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ubadishnard
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.

But when I got home, the tables were turned .

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2018
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What do you call a Russian fish?

A czar-dine

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beastocity1089
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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