Half an hour, same as the zebras.
My boss: Why are you dressed as a woman?!
Me: What do you mean? You asked me if i could join the meeting with the Chinese as a trans later?
Me: I know it's not for me. I'm just asking what you're making for lunch. Sheesh...
Daughter: <confused> Huh?
Me: I'm just asking you what you're making for lunch.
Daughter: And i told you. Nachos!
Me: You already told me it's not for me. You don't have to be mean about it!
Daughter: <pause> Dang it... <sighs> Go away...
Me: <laughs in dad joke>
Half an hour like everyone else.
I would pick someone alive.
...and all he ordered was a salad — no dressing.
They're always booked.
In the staff room.
Wait, wrong sub
He needed a light snack
Ajar with plumb jamb!
I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
They had to get backs to work.
...but I would say it was rubenesque.
I guess she wanted to try out the avocado toes the hipsters talk about.
"I'm sorry, sir, you're only authorized ONE carrion."
They go back and forth for a while, neither convincing the other that they are right. Finally they decide on a place to eat. When they get to the restaurant, one of the friends asks the person taking their order to settle it once and for all. "Me and my friend are having a debate and hopefully since you live here, you can set my friend straight. Would you please tell us... and say it clear and slow for my friend here... where are we?"
The person behind the counter gets a puzzled look on his face, then says
>!"Buuuuuurrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiiiiinnnnggg"!<
It seems we have Barbie queue for lunch again.
It was very civil engineering…
I got a badge and a sash that read, "Halal Monitor"
But if you ask me, that’s just bologna.
Got the cold shoulder :(
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
It is always 90 degrees.
Boss asked for a number 7, coworker asked what it was, I replied with the one after a number 6
Having to deal with little caesars
Sure enough, it was on her roll.
Do you want to split the charge?
Before our hike, my wife offered my sister-in-law some fruit. She said "no thanks, I had a pear on the way here."
Without skipping a beat, I said "you mean you came pre-peared?"
I couldn't finish it, it was time consuming.
I was having some difficultea.
I have a gut feeling about it.
It wanted to beat the crowd.
I immediately stopped her and asked for a to go container. I won’t stand by and allow acts of wonton destruction.
"First we take the tortilla and lay it out. Then we add the sliced meat, and veggies, dressing it with the red sauce by Franks. Add the cheese and fold it in on itself".....
"Ok, that's a Wrap"
I told she could be my Beanie Baby!
To the Food Trucks.
Human beans, fried legs and eyes cream!
On his receipt there was an autogenerated prompt for feedback:
"Lettuce know how we did today at [enter website] . com , and we'll send you a sweet offer."
Told him that I liked how they sandwiched it in...
Pork pork pork!
I was checking out a chequered Czech check-out chick who was checking out some chicken at the checkout.
An hour, like everyone else
I told her “that’s unfortunate”.
Wouldn’t recommend it though, I felt it was very Time Consuming.
... the genre was Hair Netal.
I’m a real cereal killer.
"Jane ate her friend's colon."
I was fine earlier, but now I falafel.
The waitress gave us our food and he started looking the pieces over really intently. He turned them all over and checked every side.
Waitress: is everything okay sir? Dad: No i think something's wrong with my chicken. (Looking at the pieces for a second time) Waitress: I'm sorry, what's wrong? Dad: I don't think they signed my chicken.
I lost it.
Happy Fathers day weekend!
Morning, Apple Pie and Coffee. Noon, Apple Pie and Coffee. Night, Apple Pie and Coffee. Getting tired of this same meal, he asks his coworkers to teach him a new dish to order. He learns Steak and Eggs.
Waitress: Hiya hon’, Apple Pie and Coffee as usual?
Man (smiling proudly): Steak and Eggs!
Waitress: Oh! Changing it up to day! How would you like your eggs? Scrambled, sunny side up, poached, fried? How would you like your steak? Rare, medium rare, medium, medium well, well? . . . . . .
Man: ... Apple Pie and Coffee.
He had a few egrets.
I'm a fairly new dad and my wife was chopping up walnuts:
Me: my respect for walnuts has really changed for the better recently.
Wife: (looks at me funny...) Why?
Me: they've really come out of their shell...
There was an audible groan and sadly, I had to high five myself..
I told him, "Misterogyny".
"Alpaca lunch for you”
Father and daughter are out to lunch.
Daughter says "Dad, I'm pregnant"
Dad says "Hi Pregnant, I'm Grandpa"
I’d pick nick.
He had pressing business to attend to elsewhere.
I said, “ Dude, pho queue.”
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
Man: "But I just put these clothes on this morning"
CATsup. Literally from the mouth of my TWO year old. Hes gonna go far!
He needed a light snack!