Argument at family dinner...
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shampoo_and_dick
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 23
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Did you hear the joke about the mouse's dinner?

Nevermind, it's too cheesy.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/emdog_64
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01
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My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, โ€œDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?โ€ In my best bear voice, I replied...

โ€œNo thanks, Iโ€™m stuffed!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 20
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"It's frozen food again for dinner today"

I said while scooping out ice cream

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KazuKazu95
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 21
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What do you give a cannibal who's late for dinner

The cold shoulder

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tjeters
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 26
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Why didn't the teddy bear eat any dinner?

They were already stuffed!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/WillKay10
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 22
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My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

Itโ€™s an extremely rare dish order.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 03
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family dinner table jokes be like
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mr_J-Wood
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 22
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I made up a song about my vegetarian dinner last night

It was a salad ballad

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FreeTuckerCase
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 23
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I got home from work and sat down for dinner with my parents. "Wow, haddock for dinner?"

Dad responds "So I take it you haddock-good day?"

(Note: This actually happened today.)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Umikaloo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 10
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I walked into the kitchen to help my wife prepare dinner and exclaimed, "Thatโ€™s a nice ham youโ€™ve got there honey! Itโ€™d really be a shame if someone..."

"...put an โ€˜sโ€™ at the front and an โ€˜eโ€™ at the end!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 07
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Last night at dinner, we were eating sushi, so I asked my wife, "What do you call refusing to incriminate your salmon?"

She swung and missed (getting to "Pleading the fifth" before eventually ending up at "Salmon the fifth?").

Then my 5-year-old daughter asked, "What was the first word you said?" and when told it was "Pleading," she said, "It would be 'Pleading the FISH'!"

I've never been so proud of her.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JoshSamBob
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 26
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Kid calls dad whoโ€™s an electrician since heโ€™s running late for dinner

Dad picks up, kid asks โ€œwhen do you think youโ€™ll be back for dinnerโ€

Dad replies โ€œIโ€™ll be ohm when I get ohmโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/itsaustinjones
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 21
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I was making pizzas for dinner with my son tonight

As my son finished spreading the pizza sauce on the bases: โ€œHow do they look Dad!โ€

I reply: โ€œThey canโ€™t, they donโ€™t have eyesโ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dr00000100
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 30
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I was at the supermarket and I picked up these little odd shaped onions. When I got home my wife asked should she use them for dinner tonight, I told her "Yes, but they're quite strong so...

...don't use shallot."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/__itsyaboi__
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 08
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Yesterday my girlfriend and I went to a new(ish) sandwich shop for dinner, close to where she grew up.

Her: This building didnโ€™t used to be here.

Me: Every building didnโ€™t used to be there!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Show-Tune-Singer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 14
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What did the skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit.

His whole family found that humerus.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rav4xle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 18
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Where do dinosaurs go out to dinner?

At a Raptorant.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kingnebwsu
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 20
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Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?

No one wanted to try his stuffing

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๐Ÿ“…︎ May 23
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Dinner with the GF

So we ordered pizza last night when it just got too late to cook... While we were sitting and eating I pushed my plate away with one piece of pizza left on it. My GF asked "Don't you want to eat your last piece?" "I said no, you can have it." So she took it off my plate and finished it in two bites... I reached for another piece of pizza and she said "What are you doing, you just said you were full!" I said โ€œI didn't say I was full... I just didn't want that piece because it fell on the floor."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hayeshilton
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 29
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(la) Cena in Spanish means "the dinner"

And here I thought John Cena looks more like a snacc.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/writerpathologist
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 03
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At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it

I told her itโ€™s so he can cut corners

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CpnCodpiece
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 24
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Why didn't the teddy bear finish his dinner ?

Because he was stuffed

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 16
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Went to my butchers for my dinner but he gave me the wrong order

Must have been a misteak

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/darkalan64
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 17
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So i pulled this one off at dinner last night

Story tme: Last night, my family went to a fancy steak dinner to celebrate a bunch of stuff, and i was pulling my normal dad jokes, when I thought of the best one yet. So, i told everyone i thought of a great joke and was waiting for the steaks to arrive to tell it. They thanked me for warning them.

Cue steaks arriving and I pull an ice cube out of my glass of water and put it on my steak, saying:

Y'know, this is just icing on the steak!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Blaidd_Golau
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 15
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What did the cannibal's wife do when he came home late for dinner?

She gave him the cold shoulder.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Joesdad65
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 05
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Son: Hey Dad, whatโ€™s for dinner?

Me: food Son: what kind of food? Me: good food Son: sigh, what kind of good food? Me: really, good food Me: what time do you want to eat? Son: dinnertime

...... very good my young padawan

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/aph603
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30
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My son decided to eat dinner outside despite the pouring rain...

His appetite was whet.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 09
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Lost a pea off my plate at dinner.

I had an escape-pea!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Notts90
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 12
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I was chopping vegetables for dinner

But then I saw the pizza burning so I had to cut it short.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/smithsea2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 04
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My SO: "Can I get you a plate ready for the dinner?"

"Yes, si vous plate."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/imdchange
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 26
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I sat down to dinner and asked my son, โ€œYou got any dias?โ€

Confused, he replied โ€œDias? No...โ€. I said, โ€œwell I got a whole case-a-dia.โ€ Actually got my wife to laugh a little.

Also, we werenโ€™t having quesadillas.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zedhead0628
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 21
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Why, after a rib dinner, did everyone want wet, juvenile nocturnal raptors?

And why do they think Iโ€™d have a supply of moist owlets, anyways?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pj566
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 10
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What two things can you eat, but not for dinner?

Breakfast and lunch.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bondjimbond
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 03
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My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.

So i took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Derextus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 29
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Dinner Time
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Radish00
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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Pescatarian date dumped me when I made a steak dinner.

Well, that's fine. At least I've got a lot of other fish in the sea.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/trste
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 22
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Last nights dinner
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/murrayland
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 02
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My wife asked me for some peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Beespray9_8_9
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 05
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I was having dinner with my wife and kids.

"Shit day at work," I told her.

"Language, Thomas!" she said.

"English," I replied.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TommehBoi
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 18
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Dad: "Would you like anything to eat for dinner?" Son: "What are my choices?"

Dad: "'Yes' or 'no'."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/td941
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 01
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My mom made pancakes for dinner

they tasted like crรชpe

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MisterBoom24
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 08
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My high school did a musical of a guy taking a girl out to dinner...

It was a play-date!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 07
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While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am!"

She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 15
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What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?

A cold shoulder.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cyclopropagative
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 09
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I suggested to my wife that we make some Indian bread for a group dinner appetizer.

It was a total naan starter.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/penultimate_polka
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17
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Wookie steaks for dinner...

They are quite chewy

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/threadcrapper
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 04
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My wife made a tornado for dinner.

She was cooking up a storm.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/teeim
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30
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Been a dad 5 mo, so Iโ€™m a little new to this... Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.

Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad.

Wife: What are you thinking?

Me: Business casual.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VoiceofLou
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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Every time I wash the dishes at night after dinner, I use a whole bottle of dishwashing liquid.

Another day, another Dawn.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 23
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If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bot_10
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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My wife said we were having Asian Meatloaf for dinner

I said, "who's that? Was that the guy who sang Bat out Hanoi?"

She was so disappointed.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mopageboy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 26
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Sounds like a joke my dad would crack at the dinner table. /r/3amjokes/comments/fzt6โ€ฆ
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Yugglez
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12
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Wife: Do You want dinner?

Husband: Sure, what are my choices?

Wife: Yes and NO!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/red8user
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 19
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Her: Atleast invite me out to dinner.

Him: I donโ€™t go out with married women, sorry.

Her: But I am your wife?

Him: I make no exceptions.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/red8user
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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Decided to have a curry for dinner the other night, that was a mistake...

Spent all night vindaloo.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rorieh
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 03
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What was the 16th president of the United States told before the dinner party?

Ay bring ham, Lincoln.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Keepscrollin-u
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 18
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I asked my family not to speak at the dinner table.

I wanted peas and quiet.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Boop108
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 24
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What did the cannibal eat for dinner?

Stew

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/and__e__rew
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 25
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What happened when a cannibal was very late getting to a dinner party?

They gave him the cold shoulder

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Feddny
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 12
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The other night, I asked my dad how far away are we from dinner?

My brother pulled out some measuring tape, asked me to hold one end as he held the other end and walked towards the oven.

".... about 12 feet."

๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„ bro is basically a certified dad now

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KoronaSenpai
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 11
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I went out with a girl the other day, she said "We should have dinner together again"

I said "No thanks I'm already pretty full"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NairodI
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 29
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My Dad made the best (or worst) Dad joke at our Christmas Dinner

Cousin: I really want a dog this year.

Wife: What kind do you want?

Cousin: Iโ€™m really wanting a poodle.

My Dad: Just wait until it rains. There will be plenty of โ€œpoudlesโ€ around.

Everyone else : ๐Ÿ™„

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/WeepJangler
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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"Chicken" for dinner!
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Andykasle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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Microwaving a TV dinner without opening the package to allow steam to escape is the best way to cook it!

It will be bursting with flavor!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 24
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My dinner tasted like feet!

It must've been all the pota***toes***

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 24
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There's a type of mushroom I bring everywhere, to dinner parties, bball games, work, they easily fit in my pocket

They're called portablebellos.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SmokeRingHalo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 29
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Dinner is ruined. I've peed all over the floor
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jverbal
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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I feel like I'm gonna choke a person one of these days by joking at the dinner table

And then get jailed for 12 months just for a man's laughter.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ManWithoutModem4
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 21
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It's what's for dinner...
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/White0101
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 05
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I saw my wife looking sad while eating dinner but she said it was just

Melon curry.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/atheistmil
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 25
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Why didnโ€™t the cannibal show up late for dinner?

He was afraid heโ€™d get the cold shoulder.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Star-Commander-5
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 26
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Dad jokes at the dinner table
  • Me: Decides to be adventurous at dinner, orders pasta with squid ink
  • My dad: โ€œMy dinner is delicious, you should try someโ€
  • Me: โ€œOnly if you try a bite of this pasta, itโ€™s really good tooโ€
  • My dad, who rarely tells jokes, starts smiling: โ€œSo youโ€™re suggesting a... squid pro quo?โ€
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/whysomanyemmas
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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What did the cannibal get when he was late home for dinner?

The cold shoulder ๐Ÿ™„

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/timmygun
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 23
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I got ketchup in my eyes while cooking dinner last night. I should have washed them but

Heinzsight is 20/20

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ryden22
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08
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What do you call a lawyer when he's cooking dinner?

A sue chef.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/EbriusSage
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 09
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Went to my dateโ€™s house after dinner last night and saw she had a Soviet flag covering the entire wall

I knew that was a big red flag

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Smoothmcdoodles
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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Iโ€™m going to have a light dinner tonight

Photosynthesis.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/_sLiPpErYgOo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 28
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What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?

Taco ma

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jazzyute22
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 18
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What did the dinner plate say?

Dinner is on me

๐Ÿ‘︎ 29
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/no1krampus
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 31
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

Itโ€™s an extremely rare dish order.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 288
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 27
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My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

Itโ€™s an extremely rare dish order.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 23
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 30
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

Itโ€™s an extremely rare dish order.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What was the 16th president of the United States told before a dinner party?

Ay, bring ham, Lincoln

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mush_Tilly
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 20
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Wife: Do You want dinner?

Husband: Sure, what are my choices?

Wife: Yes and NO!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/red8user
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 19
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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