โYou wouldnโt get it, itโs Norse codeโ
Luke: eating with his hands
Obi-Wan: Use the fork, Luke
I really hope he eats his words.
I hope you face time soon.
- Me: Decides to be adventurous at dinner, orders pasta with squid ink
- My dad: โMy dinner is delicious, you should try someโ
- Me: โOnly if you try a bite of this pasta, itโs really good tooโ
- My dad, who rarely tells jokes, starts smiling: โSo youโre suggesting a... squid pro quo?โ
Because the meat was Chewie.
I wanted peas and quiet.
And then get jailed for 12 months just for a man's laughter.
Forkknife!
Me: "So I've decided to give up studying medicine to become a yoga instructor."
Mum: gets up, pushes her chair in and leaves the dinner table
Me: "Nah, ma! Stay!"
I was on a roll!
Me: Reach for the jalapenos to put on my enchiladas
Dad: Be careful. Those jalapenos can get really personal.
Me: What?
Dad: Yeah, they'll get jalap-en-yo business.
Me: Laugh hysterically
I said, it's a periodic table. You cant use it right now.
Wife: "I don't really like cheese."
Me: "I know. You never laugh at any of my jokes."
Wife: ...
"Nice to meet you full, I'm Phil"
Edit: Sorry if this has been posted before, my dad used to do this all the time.
My mother asked me to pass the cranberries. I picked up the dish and extended it to her but she didnโt reach for it. I was like, โAre you gonna take the cranberries or are you just gonna let it linger?โ
Took a second but I got a few good laughs.
Iโm not even a Dad... yet
I needed a run up, but I made it.
"I didnโt get pulled over or anything, it's just that I got to work 20 minutes early."
She's not quite a year old, and clearly wasn't hungry anymore and was just playing with her food, including testing gravity, and just making a mess in general.
Then she started rubbing some on her face, and my wife says "Honey, stop putting the meat in your eye!"
I immediately respond "Well, it's more than meats the eye!"
Pretty sure she eyerolled so hard I could her her eyes falling out.
My son just grinned and said to stop the illegal aliens.
I have never been so proud.
Looks at watch, I can't believe it's 20:16 already!
"oh no, i pea'd on the table" he said
Son: Hey, what's up? Dad: How many times do I have to tell you not to talk to your food?
I have a scrawny, little, younger sister and we always have a seafood buffet for Christmas dinner.
Sister: "Hey, dad can you pass me the shrimp and I want some mussels too please?"
Dad: "Here's the shrimp, for mussels you're gonna have to go to a gym and do some exercising" [continues eating his food without ever passing the mussels]
Sister: "Hey, dad....."
Pops: "Hay is for horses, this is seafood."
This was especially funny due to the fact that he kept a poker face the entire time and never made eye contact with my sister, being completely serious and never cracking a smile. These exchanges happen at least 7X a day.
My dad: Yeah shes getting her limbs torn off...
Not sure if its classified as a dad joke but my dad couldnt stop laughing at his own joke.
Girlfriend: "What's your genealogy? What's in you?" My Mom: "Mostly British and French, some Danish and Polish, and..." My Dad: "...And sometimes a little Norwegian."
My son told us a good joke, and my wife commented saying he has potential as a standup comedian. But I then said "He's no standup comedian, he's a sitdown comedian."
Big son: For a while now ... I've had the impression there's something wrong with this chair ...
Little son: Maybe you're just having "a bad chair day".
In trying to figure out the material of my boyfriends spiffy new jacket:
Mom: Could it be felt?
Dad: (Rubs jacket in between fingers) It is now!
"Nothing wrong at all, I'm saving the breast for last!"
Me: Lets go at 7?
Mother: I'll book for 7 then?
Father: 7? There's only 3 of us!
Family: eating food
Brother and Sister arguing about who sits where
Me: Hey, both of you shut the fork up!
Dad looks at me proudly and smiles
Dad: Hey, that wasn't very knife
laughs and smiles at him
Me: What, too spoon?
mom just sighs and leaves the table and brother and sister stop the arguing
Here are two of my dad's funniest (most memorable) moments while out to eat...
About five years ago, my ex-boyfriend and I went out for Valentine's Day with my parents. My mom and I were having a conversation about my brother's ex-fiancee when...
Ex: "Oh, so you guys don't like her?"
Dad: "No, but that's alright, we don't really like [K's] boyfriend all that much either."
Needless to say, it wasn't as funny at the time...
Then about a few months ago, with my current boyfriend, we went out to eat with some family friends. At the time, my boyfriend was employed at an A/C company doing Chinese drywall and was talking with two of the men employed in other construction trades.
Family Friend: "Don't get involved in concrete. Or Construction. Better yet, stay out of anything that begins with a C."
Dad (from the other side of the table): "You better stay out of anything that starts with a K, too."
It's even more ironic considering I happen to have one of those names that's commonly spelled with a C, but my parents decided to spell with a K. But as mortified as my boyfriend was, I have to give it to my dad, that one was pretty damn funny.
My dad just laid this one on me. Tonight for supper we had a pasta dish with mini pepperonis, cheese, sauce, etc. in it. Normally when my mom makes this she uses regular size pepperoni. I commented how much I liked the meal and she said "I don't know, I kinda like it better with the big pepperoni" to which my dad replies with "I like it better with the little pepperoni, but then again I'm not a big pepperoni fan." A universal sigh was heard around the table.
Dad: "Oh Dear Lord, baby Jesus!"
everyone laughs while my sister-in-law looks confused
Me: "It's from Talladega Nights."
Sister-in-law: "Huh, never seen it."
Dad: "Well, it's pretty racey!"
Daughter: No, Cage is the guy who composed 4'33".
Me: I don't think I've heard that one.
My brother and I were arguing about something stupid at the dinner table when dad decided to chime in.
Brother: You're not very bright, are you?
Dad: Sure he is, he's so bright I call him son.
Everyone: :I
Me: I'm not hungry anymore.
Dad: After all that soup I hope not.
leaves
Was at dinner tonight with my girlfriends family and her sister brought her new puppy over. Their step dad left the room momentarily and the puppy followed him.
GF: Oh, jeeze <step dad>, you've got a little stalker!!
Me: Oh no!!! We better call the pawlice!
Rest of table: <audible groans>
I'm only 22, but I like to think I have a bit of dad in me already.
Did you hear about the broken change machine?
It doesn't make cents.
How about the skunk that couldn't spray?
It doesn't make scents either.
Luke: eating with hands, spilling dinner everywhere
Obi-Wan: Use the fork, Luke
"Use the fork Luke"
Use the forks, Luke.
I needed a run up, but I made it!
I needed a running start, but I made it!
