Two male FBI agents went to dinner and a movie.

It was a federal man date.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/_otterinabox
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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My wife asked me, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?โ€

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parentsโ€™ house...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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I finally went to talk to the super cute girl who works in the Egyptian super market.

Her: What can I do for you?

Me: I'm looking for a date.

Her: Oh, what kind of dates?

Me: Uhmm, just dinner and a movie :)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Gliscor_dude
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but Iโ€™m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, โ€œConstipationโ€? Well it doesnโ€™t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said โ€œNo, doc, itโ€™s dis knee.โ€

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses donโ€™t cause reactions, after all.

Whatโ€™s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why canโ€™t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You donโ€™t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I canโ€™t stop reading books with female protagonists! Iโ€™m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fightโ€ฆ 21.

My friend told me, โ€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!โ€ So I said, โ€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!โ€

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bondโ€ฆ ionic bond. โ€œTaken, not shared.โ€ What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santaโ€™s sleigh cost? $0, itโ€™s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

Iโ€™m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, Iโ€™m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide Whatโ€™s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But thatโ€™s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kinjago
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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My Thanksgiving Confession

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/M3gaC00l
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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My girlfriend accidentally put dish soap in the dishwasher last night

We had just finished cleaning up dinner and were watching a movie when I went into the kitchen to get dessert. The entire floor was covered in bubbles emerging from the dish washer.

I called to her and said it looked like Sud-etenland in here. She was unamused.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mcfinley
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 03 2016
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Star Wars Puns

From movie puns we provide you the funniest collection of Star Wars puns

What do you call 5 siths piled on top of a lightsaber? A Sith-Kabob!


Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns? So it doesnโ€™t Hang Solow!


Why shouldnโ€™t you ask Yoda for money? Because heโ€™s always a little short


What program do Jedi use to view PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi


What do you call a Mexican jedi? Obi-Juan Kenobi


What do you call the website Chewbacca started that gives out Empire secrets? Wookieeleaks


What do you call a Jedi in denial? Obi-Wan Cannot Be


Where does Princess Leia go shopping for clothing? At the Darth Maul


Greg: Which Star Wars character travels around the world? Craig: Who? Greg: Globi-wan Kenobi!


Matthew: What does a Star Destroyer wear to a wedding? Daniel: What? Matthew: Bow ties, of course!


Deen Why was the droid angry? Mark: Why? Deen People kept pushing its buttons.


Luke: Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road? Lei Not sure. Luke: To get to the Dark Side.


Darth Vader: I know what youโ€™re getting for Christmas. Luke: How do you know? Darth Vader: I can feel your presents.


What do Whipids say when they kiss? Ouch.


What is a jediโ€™s favorite toy? A yo-yoda


What do you call a pirate droid? Argh2-D2


Where does Jabba the Hutt eat? Pizza Hutt


What is Jabba the Huttโ€™s middle name? โ€œTheโ€ Why is Han Solo a loner? Because heโ€™s solo.


What do you call a Mexican jedi? Obi-Juan Kenobi What do you call a Sith who wonโ€™t fight? A Sithy.


What time is it when Darth Vader steps on your chronometer? Time to get a new chronometer.


What do you call a pirate droid? Arrrrgh-2-D2


Which side of a wookie has the most hair? The outside.


Where does Jabba eat dinner? Pizza Hutt


Who do Jedi call to help open PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi


What do you call someone that tries to be a Jedi? Obi-Wannabe


What do you call a bounty hunter from Alabama? Bubba Fett


What time is it when Jabba the Hutt sits on your blaster? Time to get a new blaster! Why is Luke


Skywalker always invited on picnics? He always has the forks with him.


Which imperial officer hated Thanksgiving? Grand Moff Turkeyn


What do you call stormtroopers playing Monopoly? Game of Clones


Why did

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 04 2017
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Got dadjoked by my grandpa

This Father's Day, I took my dad out to a movie, just the two of us. We saw Godzilla (which was quite good!). Later that night, we all had dinner with my grandparents and aunt's family. I was telling my grandpa about the movie. I said something like "It was good! But it was intense."

"Well that doesn't make sense," he said. "Why wouldn't they have it in the movie theather?"

I looked at him confusedly, and then he grinned, and said "Well, it would make more sense to have it in the theater, rather than in tents."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/killerclarinet
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 18 2014
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It's worth the read!

I should preface this by saying this was on of the best dates I've ever been on, but the relationship also subsequently fell apart because of it.

Anyway, a few years ago, my girlfriend and I had been going out for a few months, and things were great. I met her through a mutual friend of mine at the hospital, weirdly enough. Our friend had gotten in a very bad accident and had to get a glass eye. He would always dab it with cotton to stop the bleeding at the beginning. Anyway, this is all relevant because my girlfriend (not girlfriend at the time) bonded over how disgusting our friends eye was. This got us to talking, and before you know it, we started going out. Things got pretty serious months and months down the line, and I was just laid off from my job. This meant that in general, we would go on cheaper dates. Nothing too drastic. Just like a movie and dinner instead of say the Opera and a fancy five star restaurant.

So, about a year and a half into the relationship, Joe, the mutual friend of ours, suggests a double date with us and his girlfriend. He knew the situation I was in and offered to pay for the whole thing. Great right? Well... no. I was actually planning on proposing to my girlfriend. Except Joe suggested the plans in front of my girlfriend too, so she accepted for both of us. I didn't want to propose to her on a double date, so I pulled her aside and told her to just skip the date and come over instead. Joe had bought us all tickets to a baseball game, and believe it or not, my girlfriend chose the baseball game instead of me. I stayed home alone as she went out with Joe and his girlfriend. Moral of the story is, if it hadn't been for Cotton Eyed Joe, I'd been married a long time ago.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/herper
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 06 2015
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I did what I thought was asking my dad if I could go out with Friends this Saturday...

On the way home from school:

Me: "Hey, my friends want to catch dinner and a movie on Saturday..."

Dad: giggles "Did you tell them they could go?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/soyjix
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 11 2014
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My mother just about disowned me for this one.

She was telling me about this movie she watched called "Forget Paris"
I said "Forget what?"
"Forget Paris."
"Forget what?"

  • A moment of sitting there trying to understand how her daughter could possibly be that deaf * and then * glaring daggers * and * made me leave the dinner table *
    My dad would have been so proud.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/coolsleeves
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 08 2014
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Discussing movies at Thanksgiving dinner

At Thanksgiving dinner with some family friends and my dad (a dentist) and his dental partner (my godfather) are talking about movies.

Godfather: Have you guys seen Gravity yet?

Dad: No, I heard it's heavy.

cue laughter

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/craznfish
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 29 2013
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Two male FBI agents went to dinner and a movie.

It was a federal man date.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/_otterinabox
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 14 2015
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My wife asked me, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?โ€

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parentsโ€™ house...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 161
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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My wife asked me "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?''

So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house

๐Ÿ‘︎ 28
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
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