One boy said to another: "What? the fork in hell?"
Another day, another Dawn.
You could say I'm home for the hollandaise.
It wasn’t a well thawed out plan.
And I always tell them that I'm not choosing sides.
He sits there, his pupils getting bigger and bigger, just waiting for the drop.
Sure, but I prefer it cooked.
Dad: wow, You are really pretty! GF: thank you! :D Dad: do you have any sisters with poor eye sight for this guy? pointing at my little brother
No one notices for a minute or two until my dad catches sight of it.
"Oh H! You got a bit of metal in your ear."
Mum starts fussing straight away but quickly calms down.
"Where'd you get it done?" She asks.
Without skipping a beat dad says.
"In his left ear"
We were discussing the paralympics, and my brother mentioned a swimmer with no arms or legs.
My Stepdad then immediately said "Was his name clever dick?"
He laughed, long and loud, and so did I. Everyone else groaned.
Here are two of my dad's funniest (most memorable) moments while out to eat...
About five years ago, my ex-boyfriend and I went out for Valentine's Day with my parents. My mom and I were having a conversation about my brother's ex-fiancee when...
Ex: "Oh, so you guys don't like her?"
Dad: "No, but that's alright, we don't really like [K's] boyfriend all that much either."
Needless to say, it wasn't as funny at the time...
Then about a few months ago, with my current boyfriend, we went out to eat with some family friends. At the time, my boyfriend was employed at an A/C company doing Chinese drywall and was talking with two of the men employed in other construction trades.
Family Friend: "Don't get involved in concrete. Or Construction. Better yet, stay out of anything that begins with a C."
Dad (from the other side of the table): "You better stay out of anything that starts with a K, too."
It's even more ironic considering I happen to have one of those names that's commonly spelled with a C, but my parents decided to spell with a K. But as mortified as my boyfriend was, I have to give it to my dad, that one was pretty damn funny.
The smoke alarm is not a timer hon.
Thanks dad.
At the irri-table.
She ended up saying 'fundled'. Wife asked "what is fundled?"
I said, "it's the type of harassment you can't get sued for."
Waiter/Waitress: "Are you finished?"
Dad: "Actually, I'm Norwegian, but you can take my plate."
"Around a quarter past."
My grandfather gives that answer every single time you ask him what time something will be, no matter what the subject. It's hilarious and infuriating in equal measure.
"When do you plan on going on holiday this year?
"Around a quarter past."
Pea rolls off someone's plate and onto the table.
Dad: "Quick! It's an escapee!"
The salad looks delicious. I can't wait, lettuce eat.
Dad: Hey (insert waiter/waitress name here) there's a problem with my drink.
Waiter/Waitress: Oh, what's the problem?
Dad: This one has a hole in it. <proceeds to hand her empty beer>
My dad would say, "Don't forget to eat every bean and pee on your plate!"
Tonight I stood up during dinner, and then sat back down. My son askes, "What are you doing?" I said, "I shouldn't eat this much food in one sitting."
Me: Hey, what's for dinner?
Dad: Food.
Me: Ugh, what kind of food?
Dad: Good food.
Picture this.
A fancy Christmas dinner party at his new wife's opulent, sandstone estate house. Plates are being cleared from the lengthy, mahogony table that seats the fourteen well-to-do guests, the main course having just finished. All have feasted gloriously on our Christmas fare.
My Dad, playing the good host, picks up two bottles of wine, one white and one red, and proceeds to do a round of the table, chatting amiably with everyone as he circles. Those whose glasses are less than 90% full, he proceeds to top-up. I am sitting in the very centre of the long table, seated directly opposite a very well off lady in her early sixties, by the name of Margaret. My dad, having just topped off my glass, is now standing directly behind me.
This older woman, full of grace and charm, looks to my Dad and says, "Thank you so much for this glorious meal, John. It's been simply divine."
My Dad, "Not at all, Margaret, not at all. Could I charge your glass?"
Margaret, "Oh, no no, thank you. I've got the bottle in front of me!"
My Dad, quick of wit, and with a sneaky - yet charming - grin on his face, responds, "Ah, well, better that than a frontal lobotomy!"
I've never been more proud of him.
"There goes an escaPEA."
(Whilst talking about an event he's stewarding for tomorrow)
Dad: "I might need some TLC when I get home tomorrow"
Honourary Dad (Me): "What? Telly, Leffe, and Crisps?"
Whenever my dad brings me and my brother and sister and our friends out for a meal, he always mentions "these 3 get whatever they want but that guy? He's not mine so, if you have maybe a half eaten plate or some meat you dropped on the ground, just bring it to him" Every time.
My dad, as my mom puts another delicious looking meal on the table: "Looking good! And the food as well!"
Every single time..
Me: Hey, can we eat the chorizo in the fridge?
Dad: No don't eat it in the fridge, use the table like normal people
... :/
Sitting in a restaurant the other day with my mom and dad. Mom hadn't finished all of her quesadilla.. Waiter walked over...
Waiter: "Wanna box for that?" Dad: "Nah, but she'll probably wrestle you for it."
Awkward Silence
Me: Shall we get some calamari to start? Dad: Sure, it's gonna cost us a couple of squid though! .. -_-
Someone: Ooh I think I've eaten something that disagrees with me..
Dad:Gestures with his hand in front of their stomach, symbolizing their stomach talking "No you haven't!!"
Sitting at dinner with my 8yo son. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, he said, an NBA player or a soccer player. I said, "what's something you'd be that isn't sports related?" he said "probably a computer machine" I think he meant, computer programmer, engineer..
So to take advantage of the situation and get him to eat, I said "well son, if you want to be a computer machine, you better take some... 'Mega Bytes' of that Chilli!" hilarity ensued as you might have guessed :)
"Hey, did I tell you I started a new diet? It's a seafood diet. When I 'SEE food', I eat it! HAH!"
He hands me (or someone else) the check and says, "It's an outrage! I wouldn't pay it if I were you."
Dad: about 5 inches.
The other night we were out to dinner. I picked up my silverware and told my daughter, "you know, I used to play the spoons in the forkestra, but I wasn't very good, so I got cut." She laughed, wife rolled her eyes, mission accomplished.
Every time we had dinner and someone said the food was hot, my dad used to say "I should have cooked it in the fridge!"
I remember once we were all around the table, and someone mentioned that joke, and my grandfather remarked that it was a good joke. Weird.
Me: Dad, do you know how long dinner will be?
Dad: About a 12 inch plate.
Laughs every time...
Dad to Waitress: "Can i have this boxed" hands her a clean plate
"Eat every carrot and pee on your plate!"
ME: Hey Dad, what's for dinner? DAD: Food. ME: What kind of food? DAD: The kind you eat...
Heard this throughout my childhood
