A priest was getting very annoyed with his young parishioners during dinner time and said if they continued misbehaving even the cutlery would be punished.

One boy said to another: "What? the fork in hell?"

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👤︎ u/atheistmil
📅︎ Oct 18 2020
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Dinner Time
👍︎ 523
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👤︎ u/Radish00
📅︎ Nov 25 2019
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Every time I wash the dishes at night after dinner, I use a whole bottle of dishwashing liquid.

Another day, another Dawn.

👍︎ 10
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📅︎ Apr 23 2020
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I moved far away from my parents, but every year around this time I make the trip back because my mom makes this delicious sauce for dinner...

You could say I'm home for the hollandaise.

👍︎ 19
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📅︎ Nov 30 2019
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I wanted to cook chicken for dinner, but I forgot to take it out of the freezer ahead of time.

It wasn’t a well thawed out plan.

👍︎ 94
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📅︎ Sep 05 2019
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Every time I go to dinner with my parents, they constantly argue about the mashed potatoes, rice or french fries...

And I always tell them that I'm not choosing sides.

👍︎ 2k
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📅︎ May 08 2017
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Apparently my dog thinks dinner time is just a big EDM concert

He sits there, his pupils getting bigger and bigger, just waiting for the drop.

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👤︎ u/Derptron5K
📅︎ Feb 04 2017
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Niece at dinner time : do you like frozen pizza?

Sure, but I prefer it cooked.

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📅︎ Oct 06 2018
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Bringing my girlfriend over for dinner for the first time...

Dad: wow, You are really pretty! GF: thank you! :D Dad: do you have any sisters with poor eye sight for this guy? pointing at my little brother

👍︎ 351
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📅︎ Jul 23 2013
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My little brother sat down at dinner after getting his ear pierced for the first time...

No one notices for a minute or two until my dad catches sight of it.

"Oh H! You got a bit of metal in your ear."

Mum starts fussing straight away but quickly calms down.

"Where'd you get it done?" She asks.

Without skipping a beat dad says.

"In his left ear"

👍︎ 217
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📅︎ Jan 25 2014
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Dinner time jokes

We were discussing the paralympics, and my brother mentioned a swimmer with no arms or legs.

My Stepdad then immediately said "Was his name clever dick?"

He laughed, long and loud, and so did I. Everyone else groaned.

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📅︎ Apr 18 2014
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My dad seems to think the best time to pick on my boyfriends is at the dinner table...

Here are two of my dad's funniest (most memorable) moments while out to eat...

About five years ago, my ex-boyfriend and I went out for Valentine's Day with my parents. My mom and I were having a conversation about my brother's ex-fiancee when...

Ex: "Oh, so you guys don't like her?"

Dad: "No, but that's alright, we don't really like [K's] boyfriend all that much either."

Needless to say, it wasn't as funny at the time...

Then about a few months ago, with my current boyfriend, we went out to eat with some family friends. At the time, my boyfriend was employed at an A/C company doing Chinese drywall and was talking with two of the men employed in other construction trades.

Family Friend: "Don't get involved in concrete. Or Construction. Better yet, stay out of anything that begins with a C."

Dad (from the other side of the table): "You better stay out of anything that starts with a K, too."

It's even more ironic considering I happen to have one of those names that's commonly spelled with a C, but my parents decided to spell with a K. But as mortified as my boyfriend was, I have to give it to my dad, that one was pretty damn funny.

👍︎ 50
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📅︎ Oct 01 2013
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At dinner time, every time

The smoke alarm is not a timer hon.

Thanks dad.

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👤︎ u/titang
📅︎ Sep 17 2013
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Where does a person who is annoyed all the time eat dinner?

At the irri-table.

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📅︎ Nov 18 2016
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Out to dinner, mother in law tried to say 'fondled' and 'fumbled' at the same time.

She ended up saying 'fundled'. Wife asked "what is fundled?"

I said, "it's the type of harassment you can't get sued for."

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📅︎ May 05 2017
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"What time will dinner be ready?"

"Around a quarter past."

My grandfather gives that answer every single time you ask him what time something will be, no matter what the subject. It's hilarious and infuriating in equal measure.

"When do you plan on going on holiday this year?

"Around a quarter past."

👍︎ 27
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📅︎ Jan 20 2014
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This happens almost every single time I go out to dinner with my folks

Waiter/Waitress: "Are you finished?"

Dad: "Actually, I'm Norwegian, but you can take my plate."

👍︎ 107
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📅︎ Oct 09 2013
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Every dinner time, without fail.

Pea rolls off someone's plate and onto the table.

Dad: "Quick! It's an escapee!"

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👤︎ u/tombuck26
📅︎ Oct 25 2013
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Every time we have a family dinner my grandfather says a prayer.

The salad looks delicious. I can't wait, lettuce eat.

👍︎ 18
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📅︎ Mar 21 2016
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Every time we go out to dinner..

Dad: Hey (insert waiter/waitress name here) there's a problem with my drink.

Waiter/Waitress: Oh, what's the problem?

Dad: This one has a hole in it. <proceeds to hand her empty beer>

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👤︎ u/Huv
📅︎ Jun 11 2014
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Any time we had beans with dinner as a kid...

My dad would say, "Don't forget to eat every bean and pee on your plate!"

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👤︎ u/dexreddit
📅︎ Aug 24 2013
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Dinner time

Tonight I stood up during dinner, and then sat back down. My son askes, "What are you doing?" I said, "I shouldn't eat this much food in one sitting."

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👤︎ u/pbmax542
📅︎ Jan 15 2016
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What my dad used to say before dinner all the time

Me: Hey, what's for dinner?

Dad: Food.

Me: Ugh, what kind of food?

Dad: Good food.

👍︎ 8
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📅︎ Nov 26 2013
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The time my Dad went above and beyond the call of duty, at a formal dinner party

Picture this.

A fancy Christmas dinner party at his new wife's opulent, sandstone estate house. Plates are being cleared from the lengthy, mahogony table that seats the fourteen well-to-do guests, the main course having just finished. All have feasted gloriously on our Christmas fare.

My Dad, playing the good host, picks up two bottles of wine, one white and one red, and proceeds to do a round of the table, chatting amiably with everyone as he circles. Those whose glasses are less than 90% full, he proceeds to top-up. I am sitting in the very centre of the long table, seated directly opposite a very well off lady in her early sixties, by the name of Margaret. My dad, having just topped off my glass, is now standing directly behind me.

This older woman, full of grace and charm, looks to my Dad and says, "Thank you so much for this glorious meal, John. It's been simply divine."

My Dad, "Not at all, Margaret, not at all. Could I charge your glass?"

Margaret, "Oh, no no, thank you. I've got the bottle in front of me!"

My Dad, quick of wit, and with a sneaky - yet charming - grin on his face, responds, "Ah, well, better that than a frontal lobotomy!"

I've never been more proud of him.

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👤︎ u/rolloxan
📅︎ Oct 18 2013
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For my whole childhood any time a pea rolled off a plate during dinner my Dad would say this

"There goes an escaPEA."

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👤︎ u/ReddBig
📅︎ Aug 25 2013
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Every time my dad brings a friend to dinner

Whenever my dad brings me and my brother and sister and our friends out for a meal, he always mentions "these 3 get whatever they want but that guy? He's not mine so, if you have maybe a half eaten plate or some meat you dropped on the ground, just bring it to him" Every time.

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👤︎ u/Vwr32
📅︎ Sep 24 2013
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Got my Dad at dinner time!

(Whilst talking about an event he's stewarding for tomorrow)

Dad: "I might need some TLC when I get home tomorrow"
Honourary Dad (Me): "What? Telly, Leffe, and Crisps?"

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👤︎ u/Quornslice
📅︎ May 15 2015
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Classic from my dad around dinner time

My dad, as my mom puts another delicious looking meal on the table: "Looking good! And the food as well!"

Every single time..

👍︎ 13
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📅︎ Nov 18 2013
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Dinner time

Me: Hey, can we eat the chorizo in the fridge?

Dad: No don't eat it in the fridge, use the table like normal people

... :/

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👤︎ u/guybrushDB
📅︎ Mar 01 2014
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Dinner Time Dadjoke

Sitting in a restaurant the other day with my mom and dad. Mom hadn't finished all of her quesadilla.. Waiter walked over...

Waiter: "Wanna box for that?" Dad: "Nah, but she'll probably wrestle you for it."

Awkward Silence

👍︎ 9
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👤︎ u/yolorelli
📅︎ Dec 06 2013
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Every single time we are out for dinner and someone goes to order calamari...

Me: Shall we get some calamari to start? Dad: Sure, it's gonna cost us a couple of squid though! .. -_-

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👤︎ u/hollyb5
📅︎ Feb 05 2014
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My Dad says this joke every time we're at the dinner table

Someone: Ooh I think I've eaten something that disagrees with me..

Dad:Gestures with his hand in front of their stomach, symbolizing their stomach talking "No you haven't!!"

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👤︎ u/anunnymous
📅︎ Apr 10 2014
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Dinner time dad jokes

Sitting at dinner with my 8yo son. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, he said, an NBA player or a soccer player. I said, "what's something you'd be that isn't sports related?" he said "probably a computer machine" I think he meant, computer programmer, engineer..

So to take advantage of the situation and get him to eat, I said "well son, if you want to be a computer machine, you better take some... 'Mega Bytes' of that Chilli!" hilarity ensued as you might have guessed :)

👍︎ 2
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📅︎ Jan 05 2015
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Every time I have dinner at his house...

"Hey, did I tell you I started a new diet? It's a seafood diet. When I 'SEE food', I eat it! HAH!"

👍︎ 8
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📅︎ Aug 08 2013
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Every time I'm out to dinner with my dad...

He hands me (or someone else) the check and says, "It's an outrage! I wouldn't pay it if I were you."

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👤︎ u/tictac1211
📅︎ Sep 24 2013
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Every time I shout to my mum asking how long dinner will be...

Dad: about 5 inches.

👍︎ 2
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📅︎ Mar 24 2014
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Dinner time joke.

The other night we were out to dinner. I picked up my silverware and told my daughter, "you know, I used to play the spoons in the forkestra, but I wasn't very good, so I got cut." She laughed, wife rolled her eyes, mission accomplished.

👍︎ 4
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📅︎ Aug 14 2013
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Dad joke growing up, at dinner time

Every time we had dinner and someone said the food was hot, my dad used to say "I should have cooked it in the fridge!"

I remember once we were all around the table, and someone mentioned that joke, and my grandfather remarked that it was a good joke. Weird.

👍︎ 2
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📅︎ Jun 14 2014
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Every time I ask when dinner's ready...

Me: Dad, do you know how long dinner will be?

Dad: About a 12 inch plate.

Laughs every time...

👍︎ 2
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📅︎ Jan 17 2014
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Every damn time we go out to dinner..

Dad to Waitress: "Can i have this boxed" hands her a clean plate

👍︎ 14
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📅︎ Aug 08 2013
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Every time we had peas and carrots at dinner

"Eat every carrot and pee on your plate!"

👍︎ 9
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📅︎ Sep 26 2013
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Dinner Time

ME: Hey Dad, what's for dinner? DAD: Food. ME: What kind of food? DAD: The kind you eat...

Heard this throughout my childhood

👍︎ 3
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📅︎ Aug 30 2013
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