I need a good Palm Sunday Pun, any punners want to take the bait?
Sundays are always a little bit sad, but the day before is a sadder day
I was dazed.
It’s the weekend immune system.
But the day before is a sadder day. Get it?
Not this Sunday, but it is on a Sunday this year!
That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.
"No it's not, it's MUNday!" The apprentice has now become the master.
He is a bad mother.
Its the Gregorian calendar
Because God said to be fruit-full and multiply.
That's the best way to celebrate Ground Hog Day.
But the day before was a Saturday.
I’ll be charging one sup per bowl
When you get to the obituaries pause and say "hmm" like you see something interesting.
Wife or kids will say "what?" and you say "they all died in alphabetical order!"
It gets better after the 5th or 20th time.
Those were the days
He’s a mass murderer.
Because the rest of the days are weakdays! I’ll see myself out now
Pork pork pork!
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
Because Monday is a weekday...
Oh.... those were the days....
I replied, "More like he'll be trippin' the way I see it."
When I told my coworker she asked how can men run naked without wearing any support.
Of course I said, it isn't hard.
If it were a day earlier, we could have called it Dad-turday.
Everyone makes fun of me at "roast" dinner.
Because the rest are week days
Because there is no Daddays.
She says, “Why are you staring at your keyboard for hours?”
Without a son, he would just be a man.
Is a Satur-day.
Ah. Those were the days....
...when father mole looks over lovingly to mother mole and says, "In appreciation of all you do, we are going to brunch today!"
Mother mole and baby mole excitedly get ready and put on their Sunday best.
When they are ready to leave, mother mole climbs up the tunnel first, and exclaims, "O my, I can smell pancakes and syrup!" Baby mole comes up next and says, "I can smell eggs and bacon!"
Father mole follows behind and says, "Funny, all I can smell is molasses!"
Because there's over a thousand degrees.
Everybody around me heard that and groaned. The guy in front of me stared back like, "you've gotta be kidding me"
Unfortunately today is cloudy so it will have to wait.
The following is my conversation through texts with him at 3:30 today.
Me: What's the address for the Xmas party.
Dad: Don't know I'll have to ask your mother
Me: What time is it?
Dad: 3:36 pm
Me: 3:36? Why not 3:37 or you know 3:35? Or even better... 3:30?
Dad: Cuz it's 3:39 right now
Me: ... What time is the party
Dad: oh you wanted to know what time the party is.
Dad: 3 pm.
Had me and my friends laughing so hard.
Because Monday through Friday
Because it's the weekend.
It's basically just a glorified weekday...
All the other days are just weak-days
It was the nicest thing she'd done all week.
I didn't make a Peep.
There was a lot of mass.
It's got a great start but quite a weekend.
Wife hands me a birthday card to sign for our nephew...
Me: "Where is his birthday party again?"
Wife: "It's at Stars and Strikes today."
Me: "Oh man!!! I wish I could go, but I have to work."
Wife: "Yeah, I know. It's right up your alley!"
He was over for dinner, asking me about making a simple wooden box. Once he's finished describing what he wants to do and how he thinks he'll do it I reply with "Yeah, that wood work".
Brother: I'm gonna burn that shirt.
Me: What, it's my lazy, around-the-house shirt.
Dad (to my brother): What day is it?
Dad: There you go, it's a holey shirt.
Doing a crossword with my father in law and mother in law. He told me that he completed The Times crossword (which is apparently one of the hardest crosswords) the other day all except one clue. Mother in law says "go on then darling tell me the clue I bet I'll work it out" He says the clue is "heavily laden postman" She says "how many letters" He says "hundreds and hundreds I should think" Dead
Son "I hate Sundays, they make me sad". Dad "surprised you didn't feel worse yesterday...it was sadder day you know"
Every Sunday, my family gathers at Sunday dinner (England here) and we have a roast. More often than not, we have roast chicken. We know it's coming, we expect it, yet still we think that maybe, just maybe, this will be the week that my dad doesn't tell THE joke.
My mum serves the food and asks "who wants a piece of chicken?" Then comes the response from my dad.
"I don't like chicken. It's fowl." He then proceeds to eat most of the chicken, while laughing to himself.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
A critical mash.
Me - Pea falls from fork onto ground Dad - I see we have an esca-pea Me - groan
By then it will all be from last year.
Relevant info: my mom is Christian, my dad is Jewish.
My dad loves to silently craft his dad jokes until the morning of any Christian holiday. He did not disappoint today.
Dad: I've been really popular on Facebook this morning. Me: Oh yeah? Dad: All of my friends have been commenting on my sleep patterns. [longish pause while he gets this gleeful-boyish look because of the confusion he can see on my face) Dad: They keep posting about how "He has risen!"
He's saying this to every member of our family, one-by-one, as we wake up.
A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday at a shop down the street from the church the priest is the pastor of. Surprised, the man, who went to that church, asked why he was buying a 5th of Jagermeister.
The priest said, "it's an old catholic secret that Jagermeister helps ease constipation, which one of the nuns has.
So the guy shrugs and leaves, only to see the priest later that day, not halfway back to the church, drunk as a skunk in the gutter, tipping the brown paper bag with Jagermeister in it all the way back as he drinks it.
He pulls up in his car and asks, "I thought you said it was for a nun's constipation!?"
The priest grunted, "It is! She's going to shit herself when she sees me like this!"
I'm posting this, my grandfather's joke, in honor of him passing a few months ago.
I was in the fenced in side yard grilling some chicken for dinner. I had the kids in the front yard playing. I told my wife I put them out there so they wouldn't get all up in my grill.
Yesterday my SO and I met my parents and my sister and brother-in-law for brunch. I decided to order eggs benedict.
Right away my dad said, "You know that comes on a special dish right? A chrome one?"
I didn't follow, so he kept going.
"You know what they say right?"
Still nothing from me.
"You know... there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
I still can't believe I didn't see it coming...
Because there's no Post on Sundays.
Dad sent this yesterday. Ouch.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Roommate 1: these are crab cakes and these are lobster balls
Roommate 2: jeeze, I didn't know lobsters had such huge balls
Roommates 1&3: groan
My ma is making a big dinner on Sunday and my pop called to ask if we wanted to go over Sunday for pig butt and turkey boobs.
Me: "Hey Dad, what's in the box?"
Dad: "That box? Nah that's just a box of trash! I found it on the side of the road!"
Me: "Really! C'mon Dad, whatcha get?"
Dad: "I'm telling you, it's a box of trash!"
My dad has never failed to use this line any time he gets that mysterious white box of baked goods (be it crumb cake, donuts, or cinnamon buns), and it's never failed to make me run immediately to the box to see what was really in it.
We're at dinner at the local pub at the moment: Sis: If you sing happy birthday to me i might get a free sundae! Dad: What would you have gotten yesterday, a free saturday!?!?!
One of the students asked, "Which lesson manual will we be learning from?"
To which I responded, "EMMANUEL, amrite?"
Me: oh my god! This cereal is soooo stale! Wife: what is it??? Me: Cheerios with ancient grains Wife: *head shaking *eye rolling
The day before is a sadder day.
...the day before is a sadder day.
The day before is a sadder day.
Not this Sunday, but it is on a Sunday this year.