My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
I got picked for this five-day-a-week, year-long sleep study. It pays $15,000 a month.
Not a joke: does anyone have any Dad jokes that I can use on my 5-year-old? I see maybe one joke per week on here that she would understand. Do we need a r/youngerdadjokes?
Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair.
I've heard nothing since.
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!
She has the worst stutter ever.
This fan has been here for 3 weeks and still not shipped
I have had a decorator in this week. Turns out he is normally a Pilot for BA, but has been furloughed due to Corona.
He did a lovely job of the landing.
I won a duel last week with a block of cheddar cheese. How you might ask?
Because it was extra sharp.
I've been to visit my grandmother's grave three times this week and each time someone has mysteriously covered it in gravy granules.
I asked my boss, “Can I have a week off around Christmas?” He growled, “It’s May!”
I countered, “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas!?”
I went to a seafood disco last week...
a joke my dad told that took 2 weeks to pay off
(the joke makes more sense in dutch)
My dad talking to my nephew about his pet horse he used to have.
"My horse was an oddball, wherever we'd go he'd look for water to splash around in. one time we went to the beach and he'd jump into the water and swim around."
Two weeks later we're hanging out and my aunt tells dad she heard the story about his horse, and asked what kind of horse it was.
(in dutch he talked about a dog, and a seal in dutch is "zeehond" (seadog))
Just this past week, I went from agony to ecstasy.
At this rate, I’ll finish reading the dictionary in about a month.
Started to learn to tell time on a analog clock last week. So far I can only tell when it’s 6:30
But I got that one hands down.
Last week I bought a dog from the local blacksmith
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
I wanna go spend a few weeks working a waiter in Vietnam so I can tell my kids I served in 'Nam.
Last week, I went from agony to ecstasy in a span of a few days.
At this rate, I’ll finish reading the dictionary in a month or so.
Been looking after the blacksmiths dog this week.
Got home last night and it had made a bolt for the backdoor.
Last week, I tried out ten new puns
To see if they’d make people laugh... but no pun intended!
I've been bench pressing 10 dictionaries everyday for the past 4 weeks.
I've finally got some definition in my arms.
What is it called when someone rents a camp from the Boy Scouts for half a week?
I was arrested last week for stealing cooking utensils.
But it was worth the whisk.
After three weeks of my no-carb diet, I had to see my doctor for digestion pains...
...he told me I was lack toast intolerant.
My wife left me last week because of my obsession with horoscopes.
It literally Taurus apart.
My boss told me to wear rubber gloves while dealing with customers this week. I told him “Fuck that.”
I’m doing these prostate exams my way.
I got rid of that hair lice I've been having for a couple weeks the other day.
That problem's finally out of my hair.
My daughter: I'm turning 32 next week so I want to celebrate in a big way
Me: Okay but don't get your hopes up we're only going to celebrate for half a minute.
She: What? Why?
Me: Because it's your thirty-second birthday
My great uncle died making butter on his farm last week.
It was a really unfortunate churn of events.
The other week the police arrived on the scene to find me upside down in my car...
They told me not to be so silly, and to sit properly...
With the barber shop finally open after many weeks, there was a huge crowd of people jostling for position to get in...
They really need a hair traffic controller.
Haven’t spoke to my wife for the last three weeks
Didn’t want to interrupt.
I got fired from my job this week, which is ridiculous when I'm putting in 70+ hours..
I se this one at least once a week. Do you want your milk in a bag?
Nope, just leave it in the jug.
On Monday we start diarrhoea awareness week.
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.
My 4 day work week is like my 21 year marriage
My wife asked me to make my flourless chocolate torte this week, but with a few changes to the recipe.
I guess you could say I dabble in torte reform.
After a procedure... Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks
Me: Can I play piano?
Doctor: Yes you can.
Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
I came up with my own dad joke a few weeks ago
My 14 year old daughter got up from the table after eating a bowl of cereal, so I told her to put the milk away. Then we had this exchange:
"Before you put that back in the fridge, why don't you plug it into the iPhone charger on the counter first?"
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Yeah, you gotta charge up that milk. It's only at one percent!"
I say it so often now that my kids stopped eating cereal, and have pretty much cut dairy from their diets.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
I sold my washing machine last week because i had a $20 bill in my last wash
I didnt want to be caught money laundering
I cut my own hair last week...
It was a bit too short and at first I didn't like it, but it's growing on me
My friend was a chair upholstery technician but got the coronavirus. It took him out 2 weeks, but he's finally getting better...
My friend Dave drowned last week.
His funeral is on Wednesday. I've made him a wreath in the shape of a throw ring. It's what he would have wanted.
I went to Madrid last week
I went to Madrid last week and bought a pen. The pen was smooth and extremely accurate. Everybody who knew was surprised, no one expected the Spanish inkprecision
Told my son he's grounded for 2 weeks
I crashed my bike into a lemon tree last week
It's left me feeling bitter and twisted
I’ve been solving derivatives everyday, for a week and I haven’t been able to do more than 20 a day.
As we continue to deal with the mask wearing, social distancing and uncertainty through the coming weeks, we can’t lose sight of how important it is to continue taking these precautions.
As much as it sucks, it’s better to be safe than SARS-y
I've washed my hands so many times this week
That I revealed cheat notes from a calculus test from 1972
I finished a puzzle all by myself. It only took me a few weeks
Even though the box said 4-5 years.
I've been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now...
I'm trying to get out, but all the roads have this weird design flaw...
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
A Thursday afternoon pun to help you make it to the end of the week!
Did you hear the news story about the man that was playing video games for 2 weeks straight?
I've spent the past week learning escapology...
I really need to get out more.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Next week I have an interview for a job cleaning mirrors,
It’s really something I can see myself doing.
My son borrows money from me every week, so I told him, “I don’t think you understand the seriousness of your debt situation.”
He said, “Oh please. You should really give me a bit more credit.”
The police department made all homicide detectives stay under quarantine for two weeks.
>!They had coroner-virus.
I bought 10 bees in the store last week but when i got home i realised I actually had 11
I guess one was a free-bee
So I travel around my country at the weekend taking photo graphs last week I was in London it was amazing I could almost say it was a...
Son: Once filled with petrol, I can drive my car for an entire week.
Me: Stop consuming petrol.
1 week before Grandad died we bought him a snowboard...
...he went downhill very quickly after that.
A few weeks ago I was vacationing, but when I realized how serious the coronavirus was in this place
I lost 30 pounds in a week...
I really hate losing money.
My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar...
...so I have to fill her slot instead.
I lost 40 kilograms in 1 week
The weightlifting club fired me soon after.
This place in Jakarta, Indonesia was a Taxi Pool last week
About a week ago, I started walking 5 miles a day...
I now haven’t got the slightest idea where I am.
I read Great Expectations last week.
It wasn't as good as I thought it would be.
Theresa May is stepping down on June 7th. As a result, the last week of May is the first week of June.
What is the coldest day of the week?
A reminder that it’s International Diarrhoea Week
I broke my hand last week, at the hospital thinking it was permanently damaged, I asked the Doctor if I’d be able to play guitar. He replied “Yes, after you’ve taken time to heal”
I was ecstatic, I’ve always wanted to know how to play.
Africa's days of the week
In Africa, every day is Thirstday.
I got my hair cut last week. I thought it was too short at the time...
... But now it's growing on me.
Wife: Our baby shower is in one week and I have no idea what to wear! What should I wear?!?!
Me: Probably a bathing suit.
Wife: ...? *Glares
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
I killed a chicken last week
Now I Think I’m getting haunted by a poultrygeist
I was talking to a wind turbine last week and we started discussing our favorite music...
Which day of the week should you not have stood up for?
Six days of the week are dedicated to daughters. Only one day is ...
Which day of the week is for drinking?
C4 yourself what happens next week!
Which day of the week is for preparing battered food?
Which day of the week is for complaining?
It’s the end of work on Friday, it’s been a long week, and all my bones are just like the capital city of the Holy Roman Empire.
My Music Pun of the Week. I have to change it Every. Single. Week. I'm running out of ideas.
I've been in this wheelchair for a week now.