My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.

πŸ‘︎ 38k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StuntsMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10
🚨︎ report
I got picked for this five-day-a-week, year-long sleep study. It pays $15,000 a month.

It’s my dream job.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
Not a joke: does anyone have any Dad jokes that I can use on my 5-year-old? I see maybe one joke per week on here that she would understand. Do we need a r/youngerdadjokes?

Punchline

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tippopotamus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair.

I've heard nothing since.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24
🚨︎ report
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!

She has the worst stutter ever.

πŸ‘︎ 147
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
This fan has been here for 3 weeks and still not shipped
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BeastScar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
I have had a decorator in this week. Turns out he is normally a Pilot for BA, but has been furloughed due to Corona.

He did a lovely job of the landing.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Messy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11
🚨︎ report
I won a duel last week with a block of cheddar cheese. How you might ask?

Because it was extra sharp.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SerbianTarHeel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11
🚨︎ report
I've been to visit my grandmother's grave three times this week and each time someone has mysteriously covered it in gravy granules.

The plot thickens.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15
🚨︎ report
I asked my boss, β€œCan I have a week off around Christmas?” He growled, β€œIt’s May!”

I countered, β€œSorry. May I have a week off around Christmas!?”

πŸ‘︎ 132
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
I went to a seafood disco last week...

and pulled a mussel.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
a joke my dad told that took 2 weeks to pay off

(the joke makes more sense in dutch)

My dad talking to my nephew about his pet horse he used to have.

"My horse was an oddball, wherever we'd go he'd look for water to splash around in. one time we went to the beach and he'd jump into the water and swim around."

Two weeks later we're hanging out and my aunt tells dad she heard the story about his horse, and asked what kind of horse it was.

"a seahorse"

(in dutch he talked about a dog, and a seal in dutch is "zeehond" (seadog))

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lewney
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23
🚨︎ report
Just this past week, I went from agony to ecstasy.

At this rate, I’ll finish reading the dictionary in about a month.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19
🚨︎ report
Started to learn to tell time on a analog clock last week. So far I can only tell when it’s 6:30

But I got that one hands down.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TongueBandit69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26
🚨︎ report
Last week I bought a dog from the local blacksmith

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spudbrain5470
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05
🚨︎ report
I wanna go spend a few weeks working a waiter in Vietnam so I can tell my kids I served in 'Nam.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/figgerer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
🚨︎ report
Last week, I went from agony to ecstasy in a span of a few days.

At this rate, I’ll finish reading the dictionary in a month or so.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 30
🚨︎ report
Been looking after the blacksmiths dog this week.

Got home last night and it had made a bolt for the backdoor.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/waffel-daddy
πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
Last week, I tried out ten new puns

To see if they’d make people laugh... but no pun intended!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/phoenixrejoicez
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
I've been bench pressing 10 dictionaries everyday for the past 4 weeks.

I've finally got some definition in my arms.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
What is it called when someone rents a camp from the Boy Scouts for half a week?

A four de lease

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hfoste1380
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17
🚨︎ report
I was arrested last week for stealing cooking utensils.

But it was worth the whisk.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Faiz_Clan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
After three weeks of my no-carb diet, I had to see my doctor for digestion pains...

...he told me I was lack toast intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MCPanda6969
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10
🚨︎ report
My wife left me last week because of my obsession with horoscopes.

It literally Taurus apart.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03
🚨︎ report
My boss told me to wear rubber gloves while dealing with customers this week. I told him β€œFuck that.”

I’m doing these prostate exams my way.

πŸ‘︎ 321
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WitnessChemical
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
🚨︎ report
I got rid of that hair lice I've been having for a couple weeks the other day.

That problem's finally out of my hair.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/InfinateUniverse
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03
🚨︎ report
My daughter: I'm turning 32 next week so I want to celebrate in a big way

Me: Okay but don't get your hopes up we're only going to celebrate for half a minute.

She: What? Why?

Me: Because it's your thirty-second birthday

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
My great uncle died making butter on his farm last week.

It was a really unfortunate churn of events.

πŸ‘︎ 585
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Trailsend85
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02
🚨︎ report
The other week the police arrived on the scene to find me upside down in my car...

They told me not to be so silly, and to sit properly...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 25
🚨︎ report
With the barber shop finally open after many weeks, there was a huge crowd of people jostling for position to get in...

They really need a hair traffic controller.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 18
🚨︎ report
Haven’t spoke to my wife for the last three weeks

Didn’t want to interrupt.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LDJ007
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
I got fired from my job this week, which is ridiculous when I'm putting in 70+ hours..

every single year

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
I se this one at least once a week. Do you want your milk in a bag?

Nope, just leave it in the jug.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lexmaster02
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
On Monday we start diarrhoea awareness week.

It runs until Friday.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/althistorysports
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28
🚨︎ report
What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My 4 day work week is like my 21 year marriage

No hump day

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ May 07
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to make my flourless chocolate torte this week, but with a few changes to the recipe.

I guess you could say I dabble in torte reform.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RangerHikes
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
After a procedure... Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks

Me: Can I play piano?

Doctor: Yes you can.

Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.

πŸ‘︎ 132
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/swatttt007
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03
🚨︎ report
I came up with my own dad joke a few weeks ago

My 14 year old daughter got up from the table after eating a bowl of cereal, so I told her to put the milk away. Then we had this exchange:

"Before you put that back in the fridge, why don't you plug it into the iPhone charger on the counter first?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Yeah, you gotta charge up that milk. It's only at one percent!"

I say it so often now that my kids stopped eating cereal, and have pretty much cut dairy from their diets.

πŸ‘︎ 120
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/doctor-rumack
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31
🚨︎ report
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.

Now they are trying to make-up!

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
🚨︎ report
I sold my washing machine last week because i had a $20 bill in my last wash

I didnt want to be caught money laundering

πŸ‘︎ 281
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Coolrule360
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08
🚨︎ report
I cut my own hair last week...

It was a bit too short and at first I didn't like it, but it's growing on me

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrpoolube
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
🚨︎ report
My friend was a chair upholstery technician but got the coronavirus. It took him out 2 weeks, but he's finally getting better...

He's recovering.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
My friend Dave drowned last week.

His funeral is on Wednesday. I've made him a wreath in the shape of a throw ring. It's what he would have wanted.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
🚨︎ report
I went to Madrid last week

I went to Madrid last week and bought a pen. The pen was smooth and extremely accurate. Everybody who knew was surprised, no one expected the Spanish inkprecision

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
Told my son he's grounded for 2 weeks

We both laughed

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/karma-enigma
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25
🚨︎ report
I crashed my bike into a lemon tree last week

It's left me feeling bitter and twisted

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snakesinfur
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
I’ve been solving derivatives everyday, for a week and I haven’t been able to do more than 20 a day.

I guess that’s my limit.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vapingpigeon94
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
As we continue to deal with the mask wearing, social distancing and uncertainty through the coming weeks, we can’t lose sight of how important it is to continue taking these precautions.

As much as it sucks, it’s better to be safe than SARS-y

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hashsmasher
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
I've washed my hands so many times this week

That I revealed cheat notes from a calculus test from 1972

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/agt13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17
🚨︎ report
I finished a puzzle all by myself. It only took me a few weeks

Even though the box said 4-5 years.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/carma-police
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
🚨︎ report
I've been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now...

I'm trying to get out, but all the roads have this weird design flaw...

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MicroMJ
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10
🚨︎ report
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.

Runs until Friday.

πŸ‘︎ 142
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
🚨︎ report
A Thursday afternoon pun to help you make it to the end of the week!
πŸ‘︎ 123
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cold_Fly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the news story about the man that was playing video games for 2 weeks straight?

He was playing fortnite

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RebornIlluminati
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06
🚨︎ report
I've spent the past week learning escapology...

I really need to get out more.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Se7enineteen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01
🚨︎ report
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aj10205
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16
🚨︎ report
Next week I have an interview for a job cleaning mirrors,

It’s really something I can see myself doing.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LeSplodge
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10
🚨︎ report
My son borrows money from me every week, so I told him, β€œI don’t think you understand the seriousness of your debt situation.”

He said, β€œOh please. You should really give me a bit more credit.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19
🚨︎ report
The police department made all homicide detectives stay under quarantine for two weeks.

>!They had coroner-virus.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13
🚨︎ report
I bought 10 bees in the store last week but when i got home i realised I actually had 11

I guess one was a free-bee

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/darkalan64
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02
🚨︎ report
So I travel around my country at the weekend taking photo graphs last week I was in London it was amazing I could almost say it was a...
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29
🚨︎ report
Son: Once filled with petrol, I can drive my car for an entire week.

Me: Stop consuming petrol.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01
🚨︎ report
1 week before Grandad died we bought him a snowboard...

...he went downhill very quickly after that.

πŸ‘︎ 203
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WeeBitVideo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
A few weeks ago I was vacationing, but when I realized how serious the coronavirus was in this place

Iran

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/h0ldmycovfefe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11
🚨︎ report
I lost 30 pounds in a week...

I really hate losing money.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/noneoftheless
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11
🚨︎ report
For the last two weeks I've been walking around dressed in cladding and rubber pipe covering. /r/Jokes/comments/fnqw1l/…
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23
🚨︎ report
My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar...

...so I have to fill her slot instead.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_kefir
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02
🚨︎ report
I lost 40 kilograms in 1 week

The weightlifting club fired me soon after.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nudnick1977
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
🚨︎ report
This place in Jakarta, Indonesia was a Taxi Pool last week
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cloud68
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
About a week ago, I started walking 5 miles a day...

I now haven’t got the slightest idea where I am.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfchompmyanus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20
🚨︎ report
I read Great Expectations last week.

It wasn't as good as I thought it would be.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/M0ng078
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07
🚨︎ report
Theresa May is stepping down on June 7th. As a result, the last week of May is the first week of June.
πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrDNL
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What is the coldest day of the week?

Sundae.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ah_lone
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10
🚨︎ report
A reminder that it’s International Diarrhoea Week

Runs until Friday

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fantasypaladin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
I broke my hand last week, at the hospital thinking it was permanently damaged, I asked the Doctor if I’d be able to play guitar. He replied β€œYes, after you’ve taken time to heal”

I was ecstatic, I’ve always wanted to know how to play.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Reptarticle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
Africa's days of the week

In Africa, every day is Thirstday.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Waapwgaming
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23
🚨︎ report
I got my hair cut last week. I thought it was too short at the time...

... But now it's growing on me.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
🚨︎ report
Wife: Our baby shower is in one week and I have no idea what to wear! What should I wear?!?!

Me: Probably a bathing suit.

Wife: ...? *Glares

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StuntsMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14
🚨︎ report
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.

Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I killed a chicken last week

Now I Think I’m getting haunted by a poultrygeist

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/smokycash
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I was talking to a wind turbine last week and we started discussing our favorite music...
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Oilspilpenguin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Which day of the week should you not have stood up for?

Sat-urday

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06
🚨︎ report
Six days of the week are dedicated to daughters. Only one day is ...

Son day

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06
🚨︎ report
Which day of the week is for drinking?

Thirst-day

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06
🚨︎ report
C4 yourself what happens next week!
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordIronskull
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Which day of the week is for preparing battered food?

Fry-day

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06
🚨︎ report
Which day of the week is for complaining?

Moan-day

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06
🚨︎ report
It’s the end of work on Friday, it’s been a long week, and all my bones are just like the capital city of the Holy Roman Empire.

They’re Aachen.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dymmesdale
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14
🚨︎ report
My Music Pun of the Week. I have to change it Every. Single. Week. I'm running out of ideas.
πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/melissaanne7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I've been in this wheelchair for a week now.

I really can't stand it.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DictatorToucan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
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