The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week

Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justin_true_10
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I've been using my new U2 navigation system this week and it's the worst...

The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VAOkie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
🚨︎ report
The guy who invented the Hokey Pokey died last week.

Turns out they had a lot of trouble putting him in his coffin. Because everytime they put his right leg in, he put his right leg out.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealerBrogan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What is a mouths favourite day of the week?

Chewsday

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
It's diarrhoea awareness week.

Runs until Friday

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1963Jan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27
🚨︎ report
Ive had "I Want It That Way" stuck in my head for a whole week

Tell my why

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nothisispatryck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27
🚨︎ report
Last week I tried an all banana diet.

I didn’t find it very appealing.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mconion
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
Today I'm starting diarrhoea awareness week....

Runs until next Friday.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
🚨︎ report
I got to meet the tallest man in the world last week.

I was disappointed by how he looked down on everyone else.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourLocalCreep
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...

The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobbylake71
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
🚨︎ report
Just seen that there's a nudist convention on in town next week....

...I might go if I've got nothing on

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1963Jan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27
🚨︎ report
My neighbour has had 45 concussions in the past few weeks.

He lives just a stone throw away.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27
🚨︎ report
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I got a new haircut a week ago

I didn’t like it then, but it is starting to grow on me

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bertasaus24
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24
🚨︎ report
Last week, someone went into my garage and stole my limbo stick

Like seriously, how low can you go?

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DevilRyder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
🚨︎ report
A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks a go and it still hurts.....

I can't believe it's not better.

πŸ‘︎ 972
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I failed my medical school entrance exam last week, thanks to nerves.

The correct answer was blood vessels.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.

Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't mind foreign dishes, for example we ate some halal food last week

I think they called it Allah carte

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ledgerdemaine
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I gave the cat a bath last week..

I still can't taste anything

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danspud69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
🚨︎ report
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.

Let that sink in.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobotPreacher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Dadvent day 7. Already a week of puns!
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/teRi9229
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
After trying for a week, the wife just told me, she's pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

πŸ‘︎ 112
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The other days are week days.

πŸ‘︎ 286
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cosh1990
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.

I can’t believe it’s not better.

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Last week I went to the gym almost every day ...

... almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday ...

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vk6flab
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Employee: Boss, can I have a week off for Christmas?

Boss: It's May

Employee: Boss, may I have a week off for Christmas?

(I'll see myself out.)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amar610
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.

πŸ‘︎ 40k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StuntsMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What day of the week cries the most?

Sadderday

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GAMICK13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you win if you don't move a single muscle all week?

A trophy!!!

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joshually
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A tub of margarine fell on my Foot last week

And it's still bruised, I can't believe it's not better.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/not_a_problem69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I broke my finger last week.

On the other hand I'm ok.

πŸ‘︎ 123
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dreadaussie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Today is the start of diarrhoea awareness week....

It will run till Friday.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Had a painter and decorator round this week. He's a furloughed airline pilot...

He made a lovely job of the landing!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a new bed last week

I sleep so much bedder now

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Martijngamer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve decided to sell my vacuum cleaner this week...

It’s just collecting dust.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/audiomandan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The others are weekdays.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
We have a joke calendar and we missed this week, my wife was having me guess the answers and we ended up accidentally creating this gem: what do you call a cow that was just born?

A mooborn!

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Singular1st
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
There was a kidnapping at my son’s school this week.

Fortunately he woke up after half an hour.

Told to me this morning by my 9yo son - I was very proud!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/P5ammead
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I had an industrial accident last week.

I fell into an upholstery machine, but I'm fully recovered now.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when an older married gay couple make it a rule to go out at least once every 2 weeks?

A man-date mandate

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SusheeMonster
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Had my first camping experience last week

It was pretty intents

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pax_flash
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
my wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.

she's worked very hard and i know it's been difficult for her, but i'm very proud. she's in possibly the best shape of her life and she is once again confident in her own body, but i will endlessly love her despite what she looks like.

what, were you expecting me to say something about a baby?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I removed the rear view mirror from my car last week.

Haven't looked back since.

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I cricked my neck a few weeks ago and it’s changed my life forever.

I haven’t looked back since

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tackit286
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Well, I've been on a diet for a whole week now...

And I've lost 7 days.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The missus has been missing for a week now. The police have told me to prepare for the worst...

So I have been back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Week off for Christmas

Employee: Boss, can I have a week off for Christmas?

Boss: It's May!

Employee: Sorry, may I have a week off for Christmas?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/birdmansix
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report

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