The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well itβs not a law itβs a mandate
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︎ Nov 20 2020
I've been using my new U2 navigation system this week and it's the worst...
The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!
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︎ Jan 17 2021
The guy who invented the Hokey Pokey died last week.
Turns out they had a lot of trouble putting him in his coffin. Because everytime they put his right leg in, he put his right leg out.
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︎ Nov 20 2020
What is a mouths favourite day of the week?
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︎ Jan 19 2021
I got to meet the tallest man in the world last week.
I was disappointed by how he looked down on everyone else.
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︎ Jan 07 2021
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
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︎ Jan 09 2021
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
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︎ Dec 16 2020
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like weβll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
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︎ Dec 13 2020
I gave the cat a bath last week..
I still can't taste anything
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︎ Jan 08 2021
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
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︎ Dec 03 2020
After trying for a week, the wife just told me, she's pregnant.
She has the worst stutter ever.
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︎ Nov 06 2020
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. The other days are week days.
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︎ Oct 30 2020
Last week I went to the gym almost every day ...
... almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday ...
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︎ Dec 02 2020
What day of the week cries the most?
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︎ Dec 22 2020
Today is the start of diarrhoea awareness week....
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︎ Dec 07 2020
We have a joke calendar and we missed this week, my wife was having me guess the answers and we ended up accidentally creating this gem: what do you call a cow that was just born?
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︎ Sep 24 2020
I removed the rear view mirror from my car last week.
Haven't looked back since.
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︎ Oct 04 2020
The missus has been missing for a week now. The police have told me to prepare for the worst...
So I have been back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!
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︎ Nov 08 2020
Did you hear that the latest north pole expedition was ended two weeks early?
They got there ok but then things went south.
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︎ Sep 29 2020
In the last weeks campaign, I was asked to get the opinions of women on what shampoo were they currently using........
The most common answer I got was......................
"EEEEKK!! HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET INTO MY BATHROOM???!!!"
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︎ Oct 21 2020
A bar near me has an event once a week where a guy called Michael freely allows the customers to perform surgery on him...
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︎ Sep 22 2020
Shamelessly stolen from mock the week
Look said Harry: "Wittgenstein's having a spliff - the philosopher's stoned!"
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︎ Sep 02 2020
We're only a couple of weeks into Fall and the weather is seriously erratic
It could chilly today, but then hot tamale.
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︎ Oct 12 2020
Did you hear about the baker that got electrocuted last week?
He stepped on a bun and the currant went right up his leg
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︎ Sep 28 2020
This week I volunteered for the Russian developed Covid-19 vaccine...
I received my first shot yesterday at 4:00 pm, and I wanted to let you all know that itβs completely safe, with ΠΈo side effects whatsoeveΡ, and that I feelshΞΊΞΉ ΟoΟoshΞΏΜ Ρ ΡΡΠ²ΡΡΠ²ΡΡ ΡΠ΅Π±Ρ Π½Π΅ΠΌΠ½ΠΎΠ³ΠΎ ΡΡΡΠ°Π½Π½ΠΎ ΠΈ Ρ Π΄ΡΠΌΠ°Ρ, ΡΡΠΎ Π²ΡΡΠ°ΡΠΈΠ» ΠΎΡΠ»ΠΈΠ½ΡΠ΅ ΡΡΠΈ.
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︎ Sep 23 2020
First child born in a couple of weeks so I thought to give it the good ol try. Sometimes when Iβm down I go to the mall and use the elevator.
So it can lift me up and make my day better.
I tried to OC.
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︎ Aug 01 2020
Rick Astley rents the movie Up from the rental store, 3 weeks later he gets a call from the rental store employees saying that his rental is 3 weeks overdue, what does Rick Astley say?
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︎ Jul 08 2020
I told my son that the Super Bowl is next week. He said, "Cool! I wanna watch!"
I said, "Why? You're cell phone tells time."
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︎ Sep 04 2020
What's a cat's favorite day of the week?
Caturday. Furiday is a close second.
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︎ Sep 24 2020
This week on Dancing With the Tsars
Ivan was Terrible, Peter & Catherine were Great, and Boris was Godunov.
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︎ Aug 18 2020
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:
Speak now or forever hold your pee
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︎ Aug 31 2020
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
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︎ Aug 11 2020
Iβm gutted I couldnβt go to the cheese tasting event this week
I heard it was a really fondue
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︎ Aug 05 2020
Last week I was on the edge of a cliff, holding on to a box full of shredded cheese. I loved that box, but I knew I had to let it go. I didnβt want to...
But it was for the grater good
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︎ Aug 16 2020
My brother-in-law, a clinical psychologist, says he is cutting back the days and hours of his work week.
In short his practice is shrinking.
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︎ Aug 10 2020
A man goes to the doctor because he has been feeling sick for weeks
The doctor examines him, sprinkles salt and spices on him and just like that, he's cured.
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︎ Aug 27 2020
My friends took me to the rodeo last week.
I kinda got roped into it.
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︎ Aug 06 2020
For six days of the week, I appreciate oak trees.
The other day? That's a firs day.
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︎ Aug 15 2020
On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.
I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.
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︎ Jul 29 2020
Theresa May is stepping down on June 7th. As a result, the last week of May is the first week of June.
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︎ May 24 2019
How do you know the work week will get even crazier after Monday and Tuesday?
Because all that's left is WTF.
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︎ Aug 04 2020
Last week I bought a dog from the local blacksmith
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
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︎ Jun 05 2020
I watched a TV programme about the House of Lords last week. But I wasnβt really concentrating so Iβm going to have to watch it again.
Thatβll be the Peer review.
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︎ Jul 08 2020
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday.
The others are weekdays.
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︎ Nov 01 2020
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Nov 01 2019
What are the strongest days of the week ?
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are just weekdays
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︎ Aug 06 2020
Been looking after the blacksmiths dog this week.
Got home last night and it had made a bolt for the backdoor.
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︎ May 29 2020
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