The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week

Well itโ€™s not a law itโ€™s a mandate

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/justin_true_10
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 20 2020
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I've been using my new U2 navigation system this week and it's the worst...

The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 59
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VAOkie
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 17 2021
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The guy who invented the Hokey Pokey died last week.

Turns out they had a lot of trouble putting him in his coffin. Because everytime they put his right leg in, he put his right leg out.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/RealerBrogan
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 20 2020
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What is a mouths favourite day of the week?

Chewsday

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/maccer20
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 19 2021
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I got to meet the tallest man in the world last week.

I was disappointed by how he looked down on everyone else.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 49
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/YourLocalCreep
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 07 2021
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I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...

The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 40
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/bobbylake71
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 09 2021
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I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 60
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ball5deeper
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 16 2020
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From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.

Looks like weโ€™ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 59
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/pippingigi
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 13 2020
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I gave the cat a bath last week..

I still can't taste anything

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/danspud69
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 08 2021
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I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.

Let that sink in.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 48
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/RobotPreacher
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 03 2020
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After trying for a week, the wife just told me, she's pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 111
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 06 2020
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What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The other days are week days.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 283
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/cosh1990
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 30 2020
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Last week I went to the gym almost every day ...

... almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday ...

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 34
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/vk6flab
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 02 2020
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What day of the week cries the most?

Sadderday

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/GAMICK13
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 22 2020
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Today is the start of diarrhoea awareness week....

It will run till Friday.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 07 2020
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We have a joke calendar and we missed this week, my wife was having me guess the answers and we ended up accidentally creating this gem: what do you call a cow that was just born?

A mooborn!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 44
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Singular1st
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 24 2020
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I removed the rear view mirror from my car last week.

Haven't looked back since.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 70
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Brucemoose1
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 04 2020
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The missus has been missing for a week now. The police have told me to prepare for the worst...

So I have been back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/the_houser
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 08 2020
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Did you hear that the latest north pole expedition was ended two weeks early?

They got there ok but then things went south.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/PurpleFlame8
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 29 2020
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In the last weeks campaign, I was asked to get the opinions of women on what shampoo were they currently using........

The most common answer I got was...................... "EEEEKK!! HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET INTO MY BATHROOM???!!!"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ball5deeper
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 21 2020
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A bar near me has an event once a week where a guy called Michael freely allows the customers to perform surgery on him...

It's an open Mike night.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/slatersays22
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 22 2020
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Shamelessly stolen from mock the week

Look said Harry: "Wittgenstein's having a spliff - the philosopher's stoned!"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/bootcamptim
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 02 2020
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We're only a couple of weeks into Fall and the weather is seriously erratic

It could chilly today, but then hot tamale.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/professorf
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 12 2020
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Did you hear about the baker that got electrocuted last week?

He stepped on a bun and the currant went right up his leg

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sticklemac
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 28 2020
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This week I volunteered for the Russian developed Covid-19 vaccine...

I received my first shot yesterday at 4:00 pm, and I wanted to let you all know that itโ€™s completely safe, with ะธo side effects whatsoeveั, and that I feelshฮบฮน ฯ‡oฯoshฮฟฬ ั ั‡ัƒะฒัั‚ะฒัƒัŽ ัะตะฑั ะฝะตะผะฝะพะณะพ ัั‚ั€ะฐะฝะฝะพ ะธ ั ะดัƒะผะฐัŽ, ั‡ั‚ะพ ะฒั‹ั‚ะฐั‰ะธะป ะพัะปะธะฝั‹ะต ัƒัˆะธ.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/andersonfmly
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 23 2020
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First child born in a couple of weeks so I thought to give it the good ol try. Sometimes when Iโ€™m down I go to the mall and use the elevator.

So it can lift me up and make my day better.

I tried to OC.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/johnpowers99
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 01 2020
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Rick Astley rents the movie Up from the rental store, 3 weeks later he gets a call from the rental store employees saying that his rental is 3 weeks overdue, what does Rick Astley say?

Never gonna give you Up!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/PringlestheBingles
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 08 2020
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I told my son that the Super Bowl is next week. He said, "Cool! I wanna watch!"

I said, "Why? You're cell phone tells time."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/redhot_ginga
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 04 2020
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What's a cat's favorite day of the week?

Caturday. Furiday is a close second.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/kickypie
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 24 2020
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This week on Dancing With the Tsars

Ivan was Terrible, Peter & Catherine were Great, and Boris was Godunov.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/DadJoker1988
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 18 2020
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A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:

Speak now or forever hold your pee

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/longnamewithnospaces
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 31 2020
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For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.

It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/graceful_ox
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 11 2020
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Iโ€™m gutted I couldnโ€™t go to the cheese tasting event this week

I heard it was a really fondue

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Nymphomanius
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 05 2020
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Last week I was on the edge of a cliff, holding on to a box full of shredded cheese. I loved that box, but I knew I had to let it go. I didnโ€™t want to...

But it was for the grater good

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Communist-panda123
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 16 2020
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My brother-in-law, a clinical psychologist, says he is cutting back the days and hours of his work week.

In short his practice is shrinking.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/bardbelle
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 10 2020
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A man goes to the doctor because he has been feeling sick for weeks

The doctor examines him, sprinkles salt and spices on him and just like that, he's cured.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/mkazen
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 27 2020
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My friends took me to the rodeo last week.

I kinda got roped into it.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/just-going-with-it
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 06 2020
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For six days of the week, I appreciate oak trees.

The other day? That's a firs day.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/thebigeyedduck
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 15 2020
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On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.

I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ThePrinceOfGoldHair
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 29 2020
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Theresa May is stepping down on June 7th. As a result, the last week of May is the first week of June.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/MrDNL
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 24 2019
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How do you know the work week will get even crazier after Monday and Tuesday?

Because all that's left is WTF.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/hypeaze
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 04 2020
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Last week I bought a dog from the local blacksmith

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 27
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/spudbrain5470
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 05 2020
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I watched a TV programme about the House of Lords last week. But I wasnโ€™t really concentrating so Iโ€™m going to have to watch it again.

Thatโ€™ll be the Peer review.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/NoFussNoCoconutters
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 08 2020
๐Ÿšจ๏ธŽ report
What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The others are weekdays.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Schrodingers_liar
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 01 2020
๐Ÿšจ๏ธŽ report
What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9k
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/notdadbot
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 01 2019
๐Ÿšจ๏ธŽ report
What are the strongest days of the week ?

Saturday and Sunday, the rest are just weekdays

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/HellsJuggernaut
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 06 2020
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Been looking after the blacksmiths dog this week.

Got home last night and it had made a bolt for the backdoor.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/waffel-daddy
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 29 2020
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