I call it inter-mitten fasting.
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
I said "I certainly do. IT'S FRIDAY!!!"
He's still assembling his cabinet.
She was brushing my hair with a toy brush as my wife looked on from the other side of the sectional.
My daughter (5) decided that she didn’t want to use the brush anymore and grabbed the Roku controller.
As she began running the controller through my hair, my wife said “hey! That’s not even a brush!”
I replied “give her a break. She’s working REMOTELY!”
Cue the groans.
The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers
Roll on Friday.
I mean I like hide and seek as much as the next guy but he takes it way too seriously.
Well damn
Hey guys, wanted to post some of my dad jokes from this week. If you guys like them I can post again periodically.
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At a petting zoo, my 3-year old boy asks why the pony doesn't make noise. I tell him "because he's a little hoarse" (ok that might be an old one).
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At the same petting zoo, my boy won't get off the display tractor when other kids want to use it. "Come on, don't be a de-tractor". Another kid is falling asleep on a different tractor. "That must be the dozer".
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My infant son is about to flip over during tummy time but can't do it yet. When he missed his morning tummy time, my wife said he should make it up with extra time in the afternoon. I tell her "those are the roll-over minutes"
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We are on a playdate at a friend's house, and his 3-year old spills open a teabag all over his bare feet. I say "guess he'll never have an alcohol problem". Friend asks "why not?". "Because he's a tea-toe-toller".
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Buying vegetables at the grocery store, I tell my wife some of the lettuce varieties they're selling these days have been genetically edited. She asks "how do you know?" I tell her "they just taste CRISPR".
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The rubber ducky in our bathtub has a stethoscope for some reason. My son asks if the stethoscope works. "No, that guy's a quack".
These are just the good ones, I probably told about 50 bad ones to get these. If you guys like them, happy to post more. Happy superb owl day!
I said ‘…. It’s Wednesday?’
Doctors can’t explain the frequent blackouts.
Funny enough, my friend got a rare cold. He’s holographic now
When she insisted she'd only gotten six packages, I counted them in front of her: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13!
Now ya can’t turn that down…
Mercury is in retro grade
It's core curriculum.
The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!
"I'm not sure. You can't really compare the two"
It’s my dream job.
Peter & Catherine were great, Ivan was terrible, and Boris was Godunov.
Because there's no post on Sunday
A funny thing when he was being placed in his coffin… they put his left leg in … and that’s when the trouble started.
“Mow money mow problems”
I’m baroque
It made me feel pretty cheery, yo.
It was arf-ul.
A mooborn!
I’m doing these prostate exams my way.
I’m the new CIEIO
The vet said, he was on his last legs.
Just search optimus prime
I do hope she doesn’t make a habit of it
It’s just collecting dust.
He did a lovely job of the landing.
Fortunately he woke up after half an hour.
Told to me this morning by my 9yo son - I was very proud!
He made a lovely job of the landing!
It’s a play on words.
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
I said "I certainly do. IT'S FRIDAY!"
