The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate
I've been using my new U2 navigation system this week and it's the worst...
The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!
The guy who invented the Hokey Pokey died last week.
Turns out they had a lot of trouble putting him in his coffin. Because everytime they put his right leg in, he put his right leg out.
Today I'm starting diarrhoea awareness week....
I got to meet the tallest man in the world last week.
I was disappointed by how he looked down on everyone else.
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
Last week, someone went into my garage and stole my limbo stick
Like seriously, how low can you go?
I failed my medical school entrance exam last week, thanks to nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.
A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks a go and it still hurts.....
I can't believe it's not better.
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I don't mind foreign dishes, for example we ate some halal food last week
I think they called it Allah carte
I gave the cat a bath last week..
I still can't taste anything
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
Dadvent day 7. Already a week of puns!
After trying for a week, the wife just told me, she's pregnant.
She has the worst stutter ever.
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. The other days are week days.
Last week I went to the gym almost every day ...
... almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday ...
Employee: Boss, can I have a week off for Christmas?
Boss: It's May
Employee: Boss, may I have a week off for Christmas?
(I'll see myself out.)
What day of the week cries the most?
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
What do you win if you don't move a single muscle all week?
I broke my finger last week.
On the other hand I'm ok.
Had a painter and decorator round this week. He's a furloughed airline pilot...
He made a lovely job of the landing!
I bought a new bed last week
I sleep so much bedder now
I’ve decided to sell my vacuum cleaner this week...
It’s just collecting dust.
There was a kidnapping at my son’s school this week.
Fortunately he woke up after half an hour.
Told to me this morning by my 9yo son - I was very proud!
We have a joke calendar and we missed this week, my wife was having me guess the answers and we ended up accidentally creating this gem: what do you call a cow that was just born?
I had an industrial accident last week.
I fell into an upholstery machine, but I'm fully recovered now.
What do you call it when an older married gay couple make it a rule to go out at least once every 2 weeks?
Had my first camping experience last week
my wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.
she's worked very hard and i know it's been difficult for her, but i'm very proud. she's in possibly the best shape of her life and she is once again confident in her own body, but i will endlessly love her despite what she looks like.
what, were you expecting me to say something about a baby?
I removed the rear view mirror from my car last week.
Haven't looked back since.
Well, I've been on a diet for a whole week now...
I cricked my neck a few weeks ago and it’s changed my life forever.
I haven’t looked back since
The missus has been missing for a week now. The police have told me to prepare for the worst...
So I have been back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!
Last week I ordered a bust of me because I thought I deserved it.
It turns out I just got ahead of myself.
On Monday we start diarrhea awareness week
I went to a wedding a few weeks ago for two antennas.
The ceremony was decent, but the reception was amazing!
Did you hear that the latest north pole expedition was ended two weeks early?
They got there ok but then things went south.
My wife just finished her 40 week body building program.
She lost 8 pounds and 1 oz, and gained a new family member!
I'm officially a father and step father! Woohoo!
I got picked for this five-day-a-week, year-long sleep study. It pays $15,000 a month.
In the last weeks campaign, I was asked to get the opinions of women on what shampoo were they currently using........
The most common answer I got was......................
"EEEEKK!! HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET INTO MY BATHROOM???!!!"
A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.
I can’t believe it’s not better.
Week off for Christmas
Employee: Boss, can I have a week off for Christmas?
Boss: It's May!
Employee: Sorry, may I have a week off for Christmas?
A tub of margarine fell on my Foot last week
And it's still bruised, I can't believe it's not better.
Today is the start of diarrhoea awareness week....
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday.
The others are weekdays.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
