The first company to rename their dinner rolls "gravy mops" is really going to clean up.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/OtakuShogun
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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At dinner my grandpa always would ask me would you like a roll?

I would say yes and then he'd reply then get on the floor and roll.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/swannygod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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You hear about the guy who ate one too many dinner rolls?

He became more-breadly obese.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/patentpunk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling β€œI stepped on a Bee!”

I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...

Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.

Apparently I had dropped one...

Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....

A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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One of my kid's greens rolled off his dinner plate

Oh look, an escape-pea, I told him.

πŸ‘︎ 137
πŸ‘€︎ u/slf67
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2016
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My Mom rolled her eyes when I told her we didn't have enough thyme for dinner
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/idostuffalso
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2014
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For my whole childhood any time a pea rolled off a plate during dinner my Dad would say this

"There goes an escaPEA."

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ‘€︎ u/ReddBig
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2013
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Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. β€œSomething for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

β€œSomething I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

β€œThat’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. β€œI’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

β€œMaster Yoda!” he asks. β€œWhat did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, β€œA Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ‘€︎ u/_talha007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
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I am dad now

This just happened at the dinner table. My Dad was talking about how he got up very early for work. The conversation went like this:

Dad: β€œMan, I woke up way too early this morning and it completely threw me out of sync.”

Me: β€œWell, why were you sleeping in the sink?”

My Mom rolled her eyes.

I am Dad now.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLobster13
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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Wife: here’s some pills, they’re vitamins, you’ll feel better when you take them.

Me: {takes pills}

Also me: I don’t feel any better.

Wife: {rolls her eyes}

PS: this happened at dinner tonight

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mastertexan1
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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4yo asks: What if I really was an ant?

During dinner, I compared how Son #2 [4yo] was eating his spaghetti to an anteater. This sparked the following conversation.

Son #2: "What if I really was an ant?"

Son #1 [7yo]: "Then you wouldn't really eat very much spaghetti. Ants eat just a little because they're so small."

Me: "Well, did you know it's pretty likely that, eventually, your sister will grow up to be an aunt?"

Daughter [5yo]: "What?"

Me: "Yeah, all it'll take is for one of you boys to have a kid. Then, she'll turn into an aunt."

[Kids look confused. Son #1 has worked out the pun, is rolling eyes.]

Wife: "He's right. We helped do it to Auntie Leah."

[It clicks.]

Daughter: "Oooooh, Daaad."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2017
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I got both of my sons at the grocery store recently

While choosing a frozen vegetable to eat with dinner I handed my oldest a bag of peas to place in the cart. He looked at them reluctantly. I asked if they wanted to pick something different. After neither boy answered me I said, "speak now or forever hold your peas."

Both sons AND a nearby stranger gave eye rolls!

EDIT: I've never been to the front page before. Thanks for all the love fellow dad jokers!

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pigman2728
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2015
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Got my wife over dinner

My wife and I were having a late dinner after we put my son to bed. She asked me, "Do you know what all prime rib really is?" I replied "A rib divisible only by itself and one?" The eye roll was audible.

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ‘€︎ u/FattieMcFatPants
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
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Dadjokes at the bar

I was sitting at a moderately crowded bar last night enjoying dinner when an older couple came up and sat next to me. We exchanged hellos and I continued eating my jambalaya. After a bit, the husband finally knew what he wanted to drink.

Husband: "Do you have (so and so) beer?"

Bartender: "Hang on a sec, I'll check."

As the bartender walked away, the husband held both of his arms in the air, closing his hands into fists right above his head, a la Steve Holt. After about 30 seconds, and you could tell she really didn't want to, the wife asks what he's doing.

Wife: "Honey, why are your arms in the air?"

Husband: "I'm hanging on."

The wife rolls her eyes and I laugh inappropriately loudly. He grins.

So at this point, the joke has been made. It's over. But no! He's in it for the long haul. He kept his arms in the air for a solid 3 more minutes, just so the bartender could get in on the joke. She returns with his bottle of beer.

Husband: "Can I stop hanging on now?"

Bartender groans.

Wife: "Yes, please."

I admire his dedication. And his taste in beer.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/toews4pres
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2015
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Had to share this absolute bomb my husband dropped earlier.

Our 11 year old is attending a debate camp and at the dinner table she was telling us about her day. We decided she would have a mock debate against my husband the following day so she could show us a bit of what she's learned. We talk about possible topics and we land on "Should school officials or other adults be allowed to ban certain books from school." We talk a little more on the topic of banned books and my husband perks up and says "I think banned books should be allowed because without them, there would be no music." Then he gets this massive grin and my daughter and I are so confused.. it takes a moment for us to realize he's talking about BAND books .. there would be no music .. I had to give it to him, that was heavenly. Our daughters eyes rolled out of her head but we were all laughing. Great job, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ‘€︎ u/jennyy1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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Got my mom the other night

So I live with my parents (or did when this took place) and my mom was making meatloaf one night. I was in my room waiting for dinner to be done, when she yells out "bring the meatloaf here, I want to see what it looks like". So without missing a beat, I grabbed Bat Out of Hell from my record collection and take it to her in the living room. I hand it to her and she goes "oh. my. god." with a very visible eye roll. I think it was a success

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ‘€︎ u/WhodinisGhost
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
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My wife wants to eat pizza so frequently that it sometimes annoys me.

When we began discussing what to dine on this evening, she says to me, "How about we have something for dinner that starts with a 'p' and ends with an 'a' and isn't pasta?"

I roll my eyes and groan animatedly.

"There is no way a single pea is going to feed all three of us!"

^^She ^^laughed ^^harder ^^at ^^that ^^than ^^any ^^of ^^my ^^previous ^^corny ^^jibes, ^^so ^^I ^^thought ^^I'd ^^share...

πŸ‘︎ 323
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chambadon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2014
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In preparation for my child on the way

My fiancee and I were eating dinner at IHOP and she made a comment about getting full.

I told her there was no need to stuff herself just because she is pregnant.

She said, No. I think I can finish my plate and I'll be fine."

I responded with, "Sweetheart, I don't recommend eating plates they aren't good for the baby."

Her eyes rolled so hard I thought for sure they'd fall out. Needless to say I can't wait to be a father.

πŸ‘︎ 472
πŸ‘€︎ u/ucallurselfapoet
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2015
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Dad joke orbital strike from yesterday.

Christmas dinner, 2013. My mother in law is asked if she'd like some wine, is offered choices, Pinot Grigio, Mulled Apple or Cabernet. She's indecisive for a minute or so. Eventually, she settles on the apple wine. Her father comments, "well that sure took a long time."

I retorted with, "Well, she had to mull it over for a bit."

Simultaneously, 4 generations of women roll their eyes at me, while the guys all laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 279
πŸ‘€︎ u/microseconds
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2013
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I hit my wife with a dad joke last night.

I'm a stay at home father and my wife often comes home at around dinner time so I've taken up cooking. The last few nights I've really nailed a few new dishes and brought up my streak to my wife and she agreed I was doing well lately. That led to a dad joke forming in my head. I say to my wife:

"You should just start calling me butter."

She says, "Oooookaaay... why is that?"

"'Cause I'm on a dinner roll."

She actually groaned.

πŸ‘︎ 141
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sykotik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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Halloween Puns

Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.

Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!

Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!

For Halloween I’m going to write β€œLife” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers

This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues

β€œHalloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.

Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!

I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.

How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!

When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day

What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!

What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood

What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us

What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A β€œhollow-weenie!”

Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).

How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.

I’m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do… by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, β€œA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, β€œBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.

The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not will lead to a sweet reward.

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.

I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.

Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.

What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!

What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)

Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!

What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi

What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween!!

What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
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We are at the dinner table, eating dinner. My six year old daughter asks if she can be excused from the table.

I told her no, and she says "But..." and I cut her off saying we do not say potty words at the table, and that she needs to use the word Bottom instead.

Cue serious six year old confusion as she assesses the situation, mom rolls eyes.

Edit: Cue not Queue ueueueueueueue

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ‘€︎ u/For-The-Swarm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2014
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Probably the lamest joke my dad's ever made, but I could not stop laughing..

This happened a couple months ago, over the summer.

My family was sitting together for dinner, and part of our meal consisted of spring rolls. My little cousin was taking too long to eat, pushing food around her plate, so my dad turns to her and says "you better finish those spring rolls before fall comes."

And then he looked around at everyone with a huge grin to see who was laughing. Oh dad, gotta love you.

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ‘€︎ u/nelam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2013
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Cock and sperm joke for kids

(This joke just deserved a more catchy title, sorry for the mess.)

Every Tuesday growing up, we had German sausages and sauerkraut for dinner - my dad's favorite. Since I can remember, my dad has told this joke and never misses a chance telling it till this day:

"You know kids, it's not the sausage that makes you fat, it's the sauce!"

Both my younger sister and l looked at eachother, rolled our eyes and thought - why is he telling this joke every single time.. it doesnt make sense! There is no sauce here! Only fried sausages, sauerkraut and potatoes. In fact, where is the goddamn sauce, we could need it. This dish is dry as shit! My poor mom shrugged her shoulders, seemingly just as confused.

When i was about 11-12, I caught up on my dad's hinting and eye contact after the punch line.. he wanted me to get the joke so bad at this point lol. I had a moment, as they say. Oh... OOHH. BOOM. Omg the "SAUCE"!! From the sausage.. makes some people fat.. as in pregnant.. Mind. Blown.

My sister, around 8 at that time, had a few hundred more sausage dinners to "ketchup" ;) I'm not doing so bad myself, 'ey?

Edit: For the slow people out there, this joke is about sausage=penis, sauce=sperm and getting fat=pregnant. Did you have your moment too?? Admittingly, the joke works better in my native language, but you get the idea.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/DeathrowHappymeal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
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I was at a Mexican restaurant with my fiance....

Went to dinner at a nice Mexican restaurant with my fiance and ordered a taco, burrito, and enchilada combo plate. When the food came I asked her,
"Is it just me, or does this seem bigger than an inch?"
(Her) "What do you mean?".
(Me) "Well it's call an 'Inch-a-lota'....".

Needless to say her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she sighed the ultimate sigh of dad-joke disappointment.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/katos913
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2017
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My Mom just got My Dad

We were just casually sitting in the living room when this short interaction took place:

Dad: What time would you like to have dinner?

Mom: pause Dinnertime!

Dad proceeded to roll his eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/LeucisticAxolotl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2017
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Got to dad joke my son in front of my dad

My mom (to my son) at dinner: "Do you want a roll?" Me: "No I think he'll stay for awhile!" Everyone: groan

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/ihazacorm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2014
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She looked at her steak and said it was undercooked...

NYE dinner - me, gf, and four teenaged girls. (Gf 2 kids, plus 2 friends). We're eating a fondue dinner and one of the friends notices that she had undercooked her steak.

Me: That reminds me of my cousin. She was a psychic.

Girl: Huh?

Me: I didn't see her much, but we had dinner once.

Girl: Huh?

Me: She ordered her steak well-done.

Girl: (just looks at me)

Me: ...Which is rare for a medium.

Girl: (pauses). OMG....


πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ‘€︎ u/DestinysParent
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2016
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Got my girlfriend good

My girlfriend and I were eating dinner, and she was talking about her coworkers. She was listing them and she said, "There's George, and two Carolinas. " I immediately replied, "North and South?" She rolled her eyes and groaned while I beamed happily.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ‘€︎ u/robertmeowneyjr
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2014
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Just dadjoked my dad hard...

Sitting around the dinner table with my parents, my wife, and my 8 month old son. As Mom cleaned up the leftovers, my Father asked her how much meatloaf was left, to which she responded "none of it". Dad quickly quipped "Nunavut? That's in Canada." Mother rolled her eyes as dad continued, "I've never been there though..." I didn't waste my opportunity: "How much of it have you seen, Dad?" He too quickly replied "None of it" realizing his folly as the last word escaped his lips. He looked down and tried to swallow his smile, which only made us both explode with laughter. My mother couldn't have been more ashamed. I'm still chuckling.....

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ‘€︎ u/StoneMonkeyKing
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2014
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Never thought my dad would do it

My parents are both immigrants from Taiwan and came in the mid 80's. We've always owned restaurants (currently have a Japanese steak house this is important for later) so their English isn't all that bad and has improved over time. I've never gotten a single dad joke from him. Ever.

Que yesterday we are driving home from a family dinner to celebrate his birthday. We all get into the vehicle and my mom says in Chinese "You've got something hanging onto your shirt, it looks stringy. Is that a spider web?"

I respond, "What? That's his pet, he can't raise a pet spider?"

Dad says, "Yeah I raise them really big and fat so we can make spider rolls at the restaurant." (Spider roll is typically softshell crab in a roll with other stuffs for the non-sushi fans out there)

I groaned, chuckled, then reveled in all that was my first dad joke. It was awesome. Thanks for reading guys! Sorry it's so long.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/DROpher
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
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You were adopted.

But they brought you back.

R.I.P. Dad, your jokes brought many eye rolls and laughs to the dinner table. You are missed everyday.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/morningafternoon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2015
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My proudest dad joke yet

We were talking about how Tom Selleck was originally offerered to play Indiana Jones.

Friend: He turned down the role because he was working on Magnum PI

Me: He also turned down the 'roll' because he didn't want to get too full before dinner.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/idontfrikkincare
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2014
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Last night we were eating taco ring (circle of crescent rolls filled with taco meat.)

My son says he wants pie for dinner. I give him 3.14 of the circle and say here's your pi.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fireaustin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2016
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My dads best line.

We went to a restaurant, our regular diner with our regular waitress at our regular spot.

waitress:"what'll it be?"

dad:"The wednesday special please"

waitress:"Would you like buns[dinner rolls] with that?"

dad: "Whose buns?"

queue 5 minutes of laughter and an inside joke for the several years it's been since that happened.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ‘€︎ u/mkestrada
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2013
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Discussing the fallic household with my mother and father.

My mother has given birth to 5 boys, no girls, of which I am the oldest. Sitting at dinner after two of my younger brothers duked out, my mother begins...

"There are too many penises in this house!"

Dad replied, "Oh, you're just jealous."

"No, I'm not. I much prefer my boobs."

"Sounds like you're in denial."

I chimed in, "Don't you mean penile?"

I was rewarded with a hearty chuckle from my father and a roll of the eyes from my mother. The signs of a good days work.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotYourLocalCop
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
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A "unique" rabbit.

My dad told me this one at dinner...

Dad: "How do you catch a unique rabbit?"

Me: "....i don't know...?"

Dad: "'Unique' up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit?"

Me: "(Still rolling my eyes at the first punch line) i don't know...?"

"The 'tame' way! Unique up on it!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/trabe39
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2015
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This one happened last night while i was visiting for dinner, I knew it had to go here.

I just subscribed to dadjokes and I absolutely love it. Probably because i have the same sense of humor. Anyway here is what happened last night as I was home visiting for dinner.

My mom has spent all day preparing a glorious meal of shredded barbeque chicken, spanish rice, and corn bread (the kind of home cooked meal you just don't get in college). One of my moms absolute favorite things is cornbread and honey. so while we were sitting at the table waiting for her to get her plate she set my dad up for his moment of glory. "Is my honey on the table already?" I saw the look in his eyes he knew he had her! "No sweety I'm in my chair. I haven't had enough to drink to get on the table yet!" I laughed high fived my dad while my mom and my sister rolled their eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ‘€︎ u/ferntuckydylan333
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
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Dad hit me with a pretty good one last night.

My parents were coming over for dinner, and about thirty beforehand I realize I am out of toilet paper.

So I texted my dad...

ME: Hey pops, can I borrow a roll of toilet paper? I forgot to grab some after work yesterday.

DAD: You can have have a roll. I don't really want it back.

I don't know how he does it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/shinynewbike
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2014
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Cooking Salmon

Wife (getting impatient): how long till dinner is ready?

Me: I don't know honey. Every time I check, it's still a little pink...

Wife: eye roll

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/el_penultimo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2014
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An Unexpected Dadjoke from my Dad's Girlfriend

He was on the phone with her and told her that he and I had eaten sushi for dinner. We also had sushi for lunch yesterday. Her response?

"Man, you guys are on a sushi roll."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZugTheMegasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
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My grandmother and I get it.

Sitting in the kitchen talking about oysters for Christmas Eve dinner and mother is rolling dough for christmas cookies.

Mom: Man, oysters are really expensive. Me: I bet those oysters are gonna cost you a few clams (Granda sees mom struggling with dough) Grandma: You're sure gonna have some mussels by the time you're done with that dough

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoundtheBrolarm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2013
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