Brunch Puns

My ideal date: MM/DD/YYYY

Now I'm stuck with a bunch of cross-aunts

We had ordered mussels and were destroying them. We couldn't stop talking about how great they were.

Dad: "god damn I've had some good mussels in my life but these are amazing. I've got to remember to come here again."

Me: "Make sure to eat as many as you can."

Dad: "Why's that?"

Me, giggling: "Mussel memory."

groans from everyone

A tuna frittata

When the polar bear comes up to take a P, you kick him in the hole.

Everyone and their mother is out today.

Waitress: How do you like your eggs?

Dad: Mmmm... I like my eggs

Waitress: How do you like them cooked?

Dad: Oh, even better!

"I thought babies took baths, not showers!"

Our waitress was named Brandon, and at some point during the meal she disappeared for about ten minutes. When she returned, my dad made the comment: "Good thing you're back, we thought we'd been abrandoned!" I laughed very hard.

What kind of coffee does a matador like?

Cafe ole.

Everyone was commenting on how good the poached eggs were, and with a dead straight face I say:

"Yeah, poached eggs used to be so popular until they nearly went extinct... Thank god for scrambled."

Dad jokes always break the ice.

Yesterday my SO and I met my parents and my sister and brother-in-law for brunch. I decided to order eggs benedict.

Right away my dad said, "You know that comes on a special dish right? A chrome one?"

I didn't follow, so he kept going.

"You know what they say right?"

Still nothing from me.

"You know... there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

I still can't believe I didn't see it coming...

My girlfriend was going to order the White Beet Soup, and I asked if it came with a side of M&Ms.

Her: "why would it come with M&Ms?"

Me: "well I thought Eminem would be prominently featured in something filled with white beats."

As we were passing around the rolls he promptly took one and sat on it. He then said "Hey look, Im on a roll".

He asked if he could get them and said "I've always wanted bear feet." "Fine," I said, "take off you shoes." He did, smiling. Next, I told him "take off your socks." He excitedly eyed the slippers as he pulled off his socks. When he finished, I said "there, now you have bare feet." My wife just sighed and shook her head.

A couple friends and I were eating and had been talking about the history of ethnic cleansing in Bosnia.

Friend: Wow, were actually having a real grown-up conversation.

The conversation progressed on and eventually evolved into an inappropriate discussion on our pooping schedules.

Friend: So much for our adult conversation.

Me: Ya it totally went down the toilet.

"The doctor asked me how's my hearing doing. I said 'what?'"

Before our meal came out, the waiter had brought out a fruit basket with your typical fruit in. My dad picks up a green grape and a purple grape and just stares at them.

Me: "dad, what are you doing?"

Dad: "heh, what did the green grape say to the purple grape?"

Me: "uh, I don't know..."

Dad: "BREATHE, IDIOT!!! BREATHEEEEE!!!!!"

My mom thought it was th funniest shit ever.

While we were having brunch, I took a delicious bite of a Smoked White Sturgeon Tartine and said "Mmmm, I love capers." My husband replied, "Is that why you watch all those crime shows?"

He still retells that one, because he's so proud of his best dad joke yet.