Her ideal date date: Beach and Brunch

My ideal date: MM/DD/YYYY

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📅︎ Apr 17 2021
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I brought over the wrong pastries to my relatives' house for Christmas brunch

Now I'm stuck with a bunch of cross-aunts

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👤︎ u/Saltycook
📅︎ Dec 26 2020
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Dadjoked my dad during Mother 's Day Brunch

We had ordered mussels and were destroying them. We couldn't stop talking about how great they were.

Dad: "god damn I've had some good mussels in my life but these are amazing. I've got to remember to come here again."

Me: "Make sure to eat as many as you can."

Dad: "Why's that?"

Me, giggling: "Mussel memory."

groans from everyone

👍︎ 906
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👤︎ u/TrIQy
📅︎ May 12 2014
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What did Simba (The Lion King) order for brunch?

A tuna frittata

👍︎ 23
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👤︎ u/RevJonesTX
📅︎ Feb 28 2018
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My Dad’s latest Christmas brunch joke: How do you catch a polar bear? You cut a hole in the ice and sprinkle some P’s around.

When the polar bear comes up to take a P, you kick him in the hole.

👍︎ 4
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📅︎ Dec 25 2017
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Today is a bad day to go get brunch.

Everyone and their mother is out today.

👍︎ 43
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📅︎ May 14 2017
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Neighbor's dad dropped this one on us when we went out for brunch

Waitress: How do you like your eggs?

Dad: Mmmm... I like my eggs

Waitress: How do you like them cooked?

Dad: Oh, even better!

👍︎ 180
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👤︎ u/jchives
📅︎ Sep 16 2013
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I went to brunch with my family today, and my wife mentioned there was a baby shower at another table. I said...

"I thought babies took baths, not showers!"

👍︎ 10
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👤︎ u/rjm1775
📅︎ Oct 29 2017
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Out to a fancy brunch with my whole family...

Our waitress was named Brandon, and at some point during the meal she disappeared for about ten minutes. When she returned, my dad made the comment: "Good thing you're back, we thought we'd been abrandoned!" I laughed very hard.

👍︎ 75
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👤︎ u/jks4342
📅︎ Apr 24 2014
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Got my boyfriend at brunch today!

What kind of coffee does a matador like?

Cafe ole.

👍︎ 12
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👤︎ u/mayonayz
📅︎ Jan 24 2016
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Was having a brunch with a group of new friends

Everyone was commenting on how good the poached eggs were, and with a dead straight face I say:

"Yeah, poached eggs used to be so popular until they nearly went extinct... Thank god for scrambled."

Dad jokes always break the ice.

👍︎ 6
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👤︎ u/Tropicole
📅︎ Feb 01 2016
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Sunday brunch with Dad

Yesterday my SO and I met my parents and my sister and brother-in-law for brunch. I decided to order eggs benedict.

Right away my dad said, "You know that comes on a special dish right? A chrome one?"

I didn't follow, so he kept going.

"You know what they say right?"

Still nothing from me.

"You know... there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

I still can't believe I didn't see it coming...

👍︎ 27
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👤︎ u/scafpr
📅︎ Jul 27 2015
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At brunch today...

My girlfriend was going to order the White Beet Soup, and I asked if it came with a side of M&Ms.

Her: "why would it come with M&Ms?"

Me: "well I thought Eminem would be prominently featured in something filled with white beats."

👍︎ 45
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👤︎ u/mtocz
📅︎ Mar 29 2015
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My uncle pulled this one during easter brunch

As we were passing around the rolls he promptly took one and sat on it. He then said "Hey look, Im on a roll".

👍︎ 14
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📅︎ Apr 12 2015
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We went to Black Bear Diner for brunch and my oldest saw some slippers that look like bear paws

He asked if he could get them and said "I've always wanted bear feet." "Fine," I said, "take off you shoes." He did, smiling. Next, I told him "take off your socks." He excitedly eyed the slippers as he pulled off his socks. When he finished, I said "there, now you have bare feet." My wife just sighed and shook her head.

👍︎ 2
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📅︎ Apr 02 2016
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Pulled this one at brunch today.

A couple friends and I were eating and had been talking about the history of ethnic cleansing in Bosnia.

Friend: Wow, were actually having a real grown-up conversation.

The conversation progressed on and eventually evolved into an inappropriate discussion on our pooping schedules.

Friend: So much for our adult conversation.

Me: Ya it totally went down the toilet.

👍︎ 5
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📅︎ Jan 18 2014
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At Easter brunch, my dad told us about his latest doctor visit.

"The doctor asked me how's my hearing doing. I said 'what?'"

👍︎ 5
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👤︎ u/racedogg2
📅︎ Apr 05 2015
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At brunch on Sunday for my mothers birthday.

Before our meal came out, the waiter had brought out a fruit basket with your typical fruit in. My dad picks up a green grape and a purple grape and just stares at them.

Me: "dad, what are you doing?"

Dad: "heh, what did the green grape say to the purple grape?"

Me: "uh, I don't know..."

Dad: "BREATHE, IDIOT!!! BREATHEEEEE!!!!!"

My mom thought it was th funniest shit ever.

👍︎ 14
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📅︎ Sep 30 2013
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Scene of the Crime: Mother's Day Brunch

While we were having brunch, I took a delicious bite of a Smoked White Sturgeon Tartine and said "Mmmm, I love capers." My husband replied, "Is that why you watch all those crime shows?"

He still retells that one, because he's so proud of his best dad joke yet.

👍︎ 5
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👤︎ u/strixaluco
📅︎ Jul 04 2014
🚨︎ report

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