My wife said she's leaving me because I spend to much time trying to get reddit points for dad jokes.
Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.
That way, I always make a grand entrance.
I wood not want to spend it
On average how much should you spend on a bottle of wine ?
Oooooh!! About 10 minutes.
I like to spend every day as if it’s my last.
Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.
A friend of mine asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine...
I said, "Oooh!! About 15 minutes. "
Why did Pinocchio spend all day cleaning his house?
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was, “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
What do you call someone from Florida with lots of teeth who likes to spend money on the stock market?
For all the time they spend in a school, you'd think that fish are really smart.
But it turns out, they're all below C level.
If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..
I really need to borrow some chairs.
Spend your last dollar on a $0.98 lottery ticket and see what you end up with.
That's just my two cents.
A werewolf spends his nights reading Voltaire
My friend works as a clown and doesn't earn much money so he spends every cent carefully.
Why do circles spend so long at university?
It's not easy getting 360 degrees!
What do you call a day you spend with the Pope?
My son spends all of his money on comic books
I keep telling him he has issues
My wife was just trying to convince me to spend $1k on a new king size bed...
...I told her I’d have to sleep on it.
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole
Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.
Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.
What is it called when you spend an hour in the bookstore browsing for German philosophers?
Why does Robert Plant never spend any money at snack machines?
On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.
I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.
I wanna go spend a few weeks working a waiter in Vietnam so I can tell my kids I served in 'Nam.
I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"
Hey, I don't care, if people want to spend lots of their money on electricity...
My wife spends all of our grocery money on cheese.
I think she needs to go to briehab
I like to spend holidays in the kitchen
I don’t understand why my wife spends so much money on shampoo...
I decided to spend the lockdown months taking online lessons on escapology.
Why did the hoarder spend so much time rummaging for his shaver?
He has a must-stash problem.
Why don't bees spend their money?
Why did the baseball catcher spend a night at the field?
My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.
She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.
Did you know, some fleas spend their lives jumping for the moon?
Where did Prince Charles spend his first honeymoon?
I was going to spend Friday night studying stinging polyps that spend major part of their lifetime attached to rocks at the bottom of the sea, but a couple pals wanted me to go bar hopping...
With friends like that, who needs anemones?
I take today literally , I spend it with my kid.
This guy comes up to me at the karaoke bar and asks, "Are you the guy who spends all night singing Neil Diamond songs?"
I hope they don't spend all their time medic-ing around.
Whenever I see a girl I like with another man I feel prisoner to my emotions and spend a night in jailousy
The last thing my grandfather told me was that it is worth it to spend money on good speakers.