She’s twerking from home.
I keep hearing everyone say they are buying their kids a toy yoda.
I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
I think it’s pointillist
The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.
The secret reward is called Waist of Time.
Well played, Blizzard, well played.
That will be the last time I visit London.
Safe to say, I fell over.
From the start, we just clicked.
guess he was just good at reeling me in
Daycare Lady: "does your Grandpa have a house on the lake?"
Son (with a serious face): "no his house is on the grass."
He calls it The Tooth, the Whole Tooth, and Nothing but the Tooth.
So help me Gauze.
A couple weeks later, she calls me and tells me I should get myself checked...
Apparently, she was feeling the burn.
"I have to buy sponges over at the dollar store."
"That's a cost we can absorb."
Guess I should have her pick up a pregnancy test, too.
My seven year old daughter was jumping on the bed when she clutched her mouth, fell and yelled out, "Dad, I kneed my teeth!"
I replied, "you're right, you do need your teeth, and you will for a long time."
She punched me in the face.
Everyone else should do the same. The world economy is going to crash. If 50 cents isn't worth anything, we're all screwed.
We've been burning a lot of junk wood and had a huge pile of ashes. (Works better when you imagine it spoken out loud)
Me: What am I supposed to do with all these ashes?
Dad: Use them to catch a bear!
Dad: Well, you dig a big hole and put all the ashes in the bottom. Then you line the hole with peas. When the bear reaches for the peas, you kick him in the ash hole!
I told him his dad jokes are getting better.