My wife said she's leaving me because I spend to much time trying to get reddit points for dad jokes.

That's karma for ya

πŸ‘︎ 127
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iMakeCrap
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I bought a container of protein powder, but then had to spend several seconds with my fingers knuckle-deep in the powder itself, trying to fish out the little plastic scoop that’s included.

Man I’m glad that’s out of the whey.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.

That way, I always make a grand entrance.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I wood not want to spend it
πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastyZ71
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
On average how much should you spend on a bottle of wine ?

Oooooh!! About 10 minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I like to spend every day as if it’s my last.

Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LayThatPipe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine...

I said, "Oooh!! About 15 minutes. "

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did Pinocchio spend all day cleaning his house?

He sawdust.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/4-4-Run
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was, β€œIt’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone from Florida with lots of teeth who likes to spend money on the stock market?

Investigator

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
For all the time they spend in a school, you'd think that fish are really smart.

But it turns out, they're all below C level.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdgroovynerd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..

I really need to borrow some chairs.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
How will Joe Biden spend christmas?

With kama-la la la.....la la la la.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/isurviveoncoffee
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Spend your last dollar on a $0.98 lottery ticket and see what you end up with.

That's just my two cents.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend works as a clown and doesn't earn much money so he spends every cent carefully.

He goes by Pennywise

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CR33PYUNC13J03
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do circles spend so long at university?

It's not easy getting 360 degrees!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/midget_clown
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A werewolf spends his nights reading Voltaire

Now he's a whywolf

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a day you spend with the Pope?

A holyday

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Patrikkralj
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My son spends all of his money on comic books

I keep telling him he has issues

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/netcharge0
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife was just trying to convince me to spend $1k on a new king size bed...

...I told her I’d have to sleep on it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ih8YourCat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole

Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.

Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.

πŸ‘︎ 527
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What is it called when you spend an hour in the bookstore browsing for German philosophers?

A Schopenhauer.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HudsonSlaby
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does Robert Plant never spend any money at snack machines?

They ask No Quarter.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-Syrinx-Priest
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I wanna go spend a few weeks working a waiter in Vietnam so I can tell my kids I served in 'Nam.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/figgerer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeneReddit123
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.

I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey, I don't care, if people want to spend lots of their money on electricity...

Then more power to them!

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife spends all of our grocery money on cheese.

I think she needs to go to briehab

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madeinbuffalo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I like to spend holidays in the kitchen

It is my sinktuary

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeicam_the_pirate
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the hoarder spend so much time rummaging for his shaver?

He has a must-stash problem.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hamsters_paradise
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t understand why my wife spends so much money on shampoo...

It’s not even real poo.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/51mp50n
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I decided to spend the lockdown months taking online lessons on escapology.

I need to get out more.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don't bees spend their money?

Because they are stingy.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the baseball catcher spend a night at the field?

He felt right at home.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mopi_is_short
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.

She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingAdamXVII
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you know, some fleas spend their lives jumping for the moon?

Lunar-tics.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tanhauser10
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Where did Prince Charles spend his first honeymoon?

In-diana.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to spend Friday night studying stinging polyps that spend major part of their lifetime attached to rocks at the bottom of the sea, but a couple pals wanted me to go bar hopping...

With friends like that, who needs anemones?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I take today literally , I spend it with my kid.

Son day

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IvanDimitriov
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
This guy comes up to me at the karaoke bar and asks, "Are you the guy who spends all night singing Neil Diamond songs?"

"I am", I said.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I hope they don't spend all their time medic-ing around.
πŸ‘︎ 118
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aryan_Modi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report
The last thing my grandfather told me was that it is worth it to spend money on good speakers.

That was sound advice.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
🚨︎ report

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