My wife said she's leaving me because I spend to much time trying to get reddit points for dad jokes.
π︎ 127
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
I bought a container of protein powder, but then had to spend several seconds with my fingers knuckle-deep in the powder itself, trying to fish out the little plastic scoop thatβs included.
Man Iβm glad thatβs out of the whey.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Apr 17 2021
Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.
That way, I always make a grand entrance.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
I wood not want to spend it
π︎ 33
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
On average how much should you spend on a bottle of wine ?
Oooooh!! About 10 minutes.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
I like to spend every day as if itβs my last.
Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
A friend of mine asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine...
I said, "Oooh!! About 15 minutes. "
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
Why did Pinocchio spend all day cleaning his house?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was, βItβs worth it to spend money on good speakers.β
That was some sound advice.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
What do you call someone from Florida with lots of teeth who likes to spend money on the stock market?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
For all the time they spend in a school, you'd think that fish are really smart.
But it turns out, they're all below C level.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..
I really need to borrow some chairs.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
How will Joe Biden spend christmas?
With kama-la la la.....la la la la.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
Spend your last dollar on a $0.98 lottery ticket and see what you end up with.
That's just my two cents.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
My friend works as a clown and doesn't earn much money so he spends every cent carefully.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 12 2020
Why do circles spend so long at university?
It's not easy getting 360 degrees!
π︎ 16
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
A werewolf spends his nights reading Voltaire
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
What do you call a day you spend with the Pope?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 26 2020
My son spends all of his money on comic books
I keep telling him he has issues
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 18 2020
My wife was just trying to convince me to spend $1k on a new king size bed...
...I told her Iβd have to sleep on it.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 29 2020
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole
Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.
Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.
π︎ 527
π
︎ Dec 12 2019
What is it called when you spend an hour in the bookstore browsing for German philosophers?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 16 2020
Why does Robert Plant never spend any money at snack machines?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 27 2020
I wanna go spend a few weeks working a waiter in Vietnam so I can tell my kids I served in 'Nam.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 07 2020
I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"
π︎ 81
π
︎ May 29 2020
On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.
I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 29 2020
Hey, I don't care, if people want to spend lots of their money on electricity...
π︎ 17
π
︎ Apr 16 2020
My wife spends all of our grocery money on cheese.
I think she needs to go to briehab
π︎ 14
π
︎ Feb 24 2020
I like to spend holidays in the kitchen
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 23 2019
Why did the hoarder spend so much time rummaging for his shaver?
He has a must-stash problem.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Jan 10 2020
I donβt understand why my wife spends so much money on shampoo...
Itβs not even real poo.
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 24 2020
I decided to spend the lockdown months taking online lessons on escapology.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 25 2020
Why don't bees spend their money?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Mar 14 2020
Why did the baseball catcher spend a night at the field?
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 19 2020
My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.
Sheβs really milking it for all itβs worth.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Dec 02 2018
Did you know, some fleas spend their lives jumping for the moon?
π︎ 24
π
︎ Feb 02 2020
Where did Prince Charles spend his first honeymoon?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 23 2020
I was going to spend Friday night studying stinging polyps that spend major part of their lifetime attached to rocks at the bottom of the sea, but a couple pals wanted me to go bar hopping...
With friends like that, who needs anemones?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 08 2020
I take today literally , I spend it with my kid.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 27 2019
This guy comes up to me at the karaoke bar and asks, "Are you the guy who spends all night singing Neil Diamond songs?"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 07 2020
I hope they don't spend all their time medic-ing around.
π︎ 118
π
︎ Apr 25 2019
The last thing my grandfather told me was that it is worth it to spend money on good speakers.
π︎ 47
π
︎ Nov 21 2019
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