In surgery my doctor said, "So what do we have here?" I replied that I broke my arm in 12 places."
He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
How do you make the number one disappear?
You add "g" and it's GONE
Well someone had to do it
From my 9 year old son: Dad, what hand do you wipe your bum with? Me: My right hand......
Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.
Well played, boy.
Hired a handyman to do some odd jobs around the house
He did every other thing on the list
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
What do you call a group of deaf people?
I don't know. But it is definitely not herd.
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
What do you call a magician who loses his magic?
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Where do you learn how to make ice cream?
Perfect for the kids - what do you call a bear with no teeth?!
What do you call a chameleon that can’t change colors?
A little boy asks his dad, "Do trees poop?"
The dad says, "Of course. Where do you think #2 pencils come from?"
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
What do you call a singing computer?
What do you call two young married spiders?
Waiter: “How do you like your steak, sir”?
Sir: “Like winning an argument with my wife”.
Waiter “Rare it is!”.
What do you call a polar bear in the jungle?
Student: Professor, can I do something to raise my grade?
Professor: Um, you know it’s May, right?
Student: Of course, so sorry! “May I do something to raise my grade?”
My 6 year old told me this one today. Why do dogs carry bones in their mouths?
Because they don't have pockets.
How do you make Holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Ok, Imma head out...
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
What do you call a bee that cannot make up its mind?
Courtesy of my 5 y/o daughter.
What do you get when you mix a penis, potato & a boat?
How do crabs get to school?
They use the side walk!
- came up with this while walking to work today (I work in education)*
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because, they use honeycombs.
Do you hap-pun to love puns
What do you call an acid that’s a bully?
What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?
What do you call a Jedi with four eyes?
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
What do you call someone who takes pictures of Vietnamese soup?
What do you call a retired miner?
What do you call a rough Italian neighbourhood?
Why do monkeys always share Amazon accounts?
Because they are Prime mates.
What do you call someone who can't stop watching films with strong female leads?
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
My 11 y.o. son getting ready for school: Why do you always keep your snowman happy?
So he doesn't have a meltdown.
What do you call 2 birds stuck together?
Was going to do a COVID joke...
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
How do hamburgers wear their hair?
Do they allow loud laughter in Hawaii?
If you want to weigh a whale you take it to a whale weigh station. So where do you go if you want to weigh a pie?
Somewheeere over the rainbow...
How do you make the number 'one' disappear?
You add a G and it's gone