Doggo do pun
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︎ Oct 23 2019
In surgery my doctor said, "So what do we have here?" I replied that I broke my arm in 12 places."
He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"
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︎ May 08 2021
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
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︎ May 06 2021
How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
π︎ 9k
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︎ Apr 25 2021
How do you make the number one disappear?
You add "g" and it's GONE
π︎ 7k
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︎ Apr 22 2021
Well someone had to do it
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︎ Apr 21 2021
From my 9 year old son: Dad, what hand do you wipe your bum with? Me: My right hand......
Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.
Well played, boy.
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︎ Apr 28 2021
Hired a handyman to do some odd jobs around the house
He did every other thing on the list
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︎ May 08 2021
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
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︎ May 08 2021
I told my daughter, βGo to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.β Puzzled, she asked, βWhatβs that got to do with anything?β I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
"Itβs pasture bedtime!β
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︎ Mar 26 2021
What do you call a group of deaf people?
I don't know. But it is definitely not herd.
π︎ 7k
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︎ Apr 02 2021
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
π︎ 458
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︎ May 07 2021
What do you call a magician who loses his magic?
π︎ 11k
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︎ Mar 12 2021
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
π︎ 522
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︎ May 04 2021
Where do you learn how to make ice cream?
π︎ 8k
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︎ Mar 30 2021
Perfect for the kids - what do you call a bear with no teeth?!
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︎ Apr 20 2021
What do you call a chameleon that canβt change colors?
π︎ 637
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︎ May 09 2021
A little boy asks his dad, "Do trees poop?"
The dad says, "Of course. Where do you think #2 pencils come from?"
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︎ Apr 15 2021
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
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︎ Apr 29 2021
What do you call a singing computer?
π︎ 320
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︎ May 09 2021
What do you call two young married spiders?
π︎ 1k
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︎ Apr 22 2021
Waiter: βHow do you like your steak, sirβ?
Sir: βLike winning an argument with my wifeβ.
Waiter βRare it is!β.
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︎ Mar 06 2021
What do you call a polar bear in the jungle?
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︎ Mar 04 2021
Student: Professor, can I do something to raise my grade?
Professor: Um, you know itβs May, right?
Student: Of course, so sorry! βMay I do something to raise my grade?β
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︎ Apr 24 2021
My 6 year old told me this one today. Why do dogs carry bones in their mouths?
Because they don't have pockets.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Mar 14 2021
How do you make Holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Ok, Imma head out...
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︎ May 09 2021
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
π︎ 12k
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︎ Feb 26 2021
What do you call a bee that cannot make up its mind?
A maybe....
Courtesy of my 5 y/o daughter.
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︎ Apr 05 2021
What do you get when you mix a penis, potato & a boat?
π︎ 407
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︎ May 03 2021
How do crabs get to school?
They use the side walk!
- came up with this while walking to work today (I work in education)*
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︎ Apr 14 2021
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because, they use honeycombs.
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︎ May 01 2021
Do you hap-pun to love puns
π︎ 145
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︎ Apr 20 2021
What do you call an acid thatβs a bully?
π︎ 180
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︎ May 07 2021
What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?
π︎ 463
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︎ Apr 26 2021
What do you call a Jedi with four eyes?
π︎ 786
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︎ Apr 13 2021
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
π︎ 531
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︎ Apr 23 2021
What do you call someone who takes pictures of Vietnamese soup?
π︎ 319
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︎ Apr 25 2021
What do you call a retired miner?
π︎ 1k
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︎ Apr 03 2021
What do you call a rough Italian neighbourhood?
π︎ 209
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︎ May 07 2021
Why do monkeys always share Amazon accounts?
Because they are Prime mates.
... Sorry.
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︎ May 06 2021
What do you call someone who can't stop watching films with strong female leads?
π︎ 10k
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︎ Mar 04 2021
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns donβt work
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︎ Apr 27 2021
My 11 y.o. son getting ready for school: Why do you always keep your snowman happy?
So he doesn't have a meltdown.
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︎ May 06 2021
What do you call 2 birds stuck together?
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︎ Feb 21 2021
Was going to do a COVID joke...
π︎ 207
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︎ Apr 19 2021
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
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︎ Mar 30 2021
How do hamburgers wear their hair?
π︎ 210
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︎ Apr 29 2021
Do they allow loud laughter in Hawaii?
π︎ 84
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︎ Apr 28 2021
If you want to weigh a whale you take it to a whale weigh station. So where do you go if you want to weigh a pie?
Somewheeere over the rainbow...
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︎ Mar 30 2021
How do you make the number 'one' disappear?
You add a G and it's gone
π︎ 96
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︎ Apr 29 2021
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