It helps me speak boulder.
Accidentally played a major
A preemptive strike.
It didn't work at all and now I have Lyme disease
Me: Baby stop, you’re making me hungry
After 30 years of social anxiety and a deep disgust of humanity in general, I operate on an "expert" level.
Their method for hunting polar bears was the most interesting. They would start a fire out on a deep snow bank, and essentially melt a hole in the snow. Once the hole was big enough they would stop feeding it firewood and let it burnout on its own. Once the fire had gone down and was nothing more than smoldering ashes with a little bit of smoke, they would line the edge of the fire pit with snow peas.
All they had to do from there is hide and wait. Once a bear caught scent of the smoke and starts to investigate, the bear would eventually start eating some of the peas. Then they sneak up behind it and kick it in the ash-hole.
I guess you could make some Glockamole.
No, I did it on my own a chord.
When Amish build barns it's called "barn raising". But raze is also a term to destroy, ruin or flatten.
She told me she had everything, and I was in a rush. So it got left behind. Figured it out right away as we were getting him changed and messaged my wife. She said she would bring it right away. I told my son "You mom is going to run your jersey over"
Without skipping a beat, he replied "Well that won't work, practice will probably be over. I wish she would just drive it over"
Then he gave me a huge grin. I told him he won the dad joke of the day and he continued smiling all the way until bedtime.
He was a little horse
They weren't big fans of arrrbitration.
Suddenly qualified to tell dad jokes
I told him, “I can plainly see your nuts.”
An animal cracker.
It’s a running joke
He liked to putter around.
RIP. Miss the old man.
Me: The mothers to my 3 kids are in 3 different states
You don't want to get hearing aids
A martial artist!
Always use condiments
If practice makes perfect, but many say nobody's perfect, then why practise?
One's a home owner and the other's an ohm honer.
He replied, “I can’t wait.”
Friend: I want chicken wings. Me: I’ll stick with my human arms.
CAN I BE A DAD YET?!‽
I guess you could call it timed laps photography.
It's turned into kind of a running joke.
There will be repercussions.
In case he got a hole in one..
...do you need to pass the sand bar?
... maybe it flew away.
They always ask me why I do that. I tell them, “We gotta end it on a high note”
I'm more of a corduroy jacket.
Him: "Ok. Why don't I practice with another burrito?"
This kid is going places.
Because he had A♭
I guess he just didn't have the patients for it.
(I know Kung Fu is Chinese, but close enough for puns)
*walking down the line asking everyone their name.
And whats you name?
WHATS YOUR NAME?
And my bassist/vocalist was asking what we thought about a song we were just writing. So I took my hands off the strings and let them start making noise on their own, as I was standing directly in front of my amp. When he looked at me, confused as I was just staring at him, I finally broke the silence: "I'm giving you feedback."
Backstory: I'm a flight instructor, and I was teaching one of my students about the "Area Forecast". We were going through which areas of the country the forecast covered, and in addition to a bunch of states, there's a few lakes, like Lake Superior, Lake Michigan, Lake Huron, etc.
Her: "Why are these lakes included in the forecast?"
Me: "Because they're pretty great."
Additional backstory: I will be a dad of 2 in less than a month.
My dad came downstairs with a jar of peanut butter and said, "I brought this to go with your jam."
At play rehearsal we were blocking out a scene, the director explained during this particular scene the lights on one portion of the stage would dim to highlight the two with solos. One cast member asked, "When the lights go dim on us, do we freeze?" one of the older fellows in the cast cut in, "No, we'll still have the heat on." Loved it.
Edit: play rehearsal
I'm not here to make you laugh. I'm here to make you groan.
Discussing my new phone with my dad...
Me: My new phone needs a nano sim to work and I only have a micro sim 😪
Dad: It must be a Mork and Mindy phone.😉
Coworker: how do you make an octopus laugh?
Coworker: Ten tickles.
Background: Head on a swivel = slang for "quick reflexes", more or less.
So some of us were taking a water break on the bench, when I spotted a wild baseball traveling right for my head going about 80 mph out of the corner of my eye. I lifted my glove and caught it in the most nonchalant way I could.
Team mate: Wow dude, way to keep your head on a swivel.
Me: Oh, no, my head is on a neck.
Team mate: blank stare
He showed up to one of our practices with a soft cast on his wrist. He told our coach, "I won't be able to play for a few days, I have a hairline fracture."
I gently ruffled my hand through the front of his wavy hair and said, "Oh my god, will you be okay?"
We were singing Handel's "Israel in Egypt." The last movement has the line "The horse and his rider" repeated several times. Towards the end of a measure, it slows down and often people miss it and sing it up tempo. Our choir director said "The last 'rider' isn't as fast as the others."
A guy from the back cracks "That'd be why he's in last place!"
So this week he chose to make cards for each word. He made two cards for each word and made a Memory game out of them.
We are playing memory and I find the word "Joke" on one paper. I look at my son and say "Hey, you want to hear a joke?" and start to rattle the paper in front of him.
Then when I found the matching card, I said "Hey, want to hear the other joke?"
We were singing a piece that was arranged by a person named Micheal Jackson with the middle name that was abbreviated with an "O". Without skipping a beat an older fellow says. "hmmm must be the Irish couter part Micheal O'Jackson", all other dads gave the smile and nod of approval while I cringled to myself.
Him: What is 5Q+5Q?
Him: You're welcome