What do you call a serial killer who frequently uses puns?

Ted Pundy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WD40911
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29
🚨︎ report
Why do dad jokes often use puns?

To punish others.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thedasvot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Uses Pun, It's Super Effective

Me: Let me see your fan.
Friend: *shows me fan*
Me: I'm much bigger than that. Some might even say your biggest...
Friend: I need you to leave.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/firetruckpilot
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm writing a story about a minotaur who uses puns.

He cows his enemies with bad jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlueRam1409
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad always use to say β€˜Two heads are better than one.'

A wonderful father.

Terrible surgeon.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21
🚨︎ report
Eggs use me. What?
πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shampoo_and_dick
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05
🚨︎ report
What ice cream shop uses sheep’s milk?

Baaaaaskin Robbins

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 27
🚨︎ report
Do not use "BEEFSTEW" as a password

It's not stroganoff

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 24
🚨︎ report
Not a joke: does anyone have any Dad jokes that I can use on my 5-year-old? I see maybe one joke per week on here that she would understand. Do we need a r/youngerdadjokes?

Punchline

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tippopotamus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
What does the pope use to send his blessings?

Pray-pal

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hvr1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18
🚨︎ report
I've just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there's no instructions on how to use it.

It's left me scratching my head to be honest.

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
I’ve been wanting to go ice skating for a while. My friends bought me a pair of skates recently, but they broke on the first use!

If you ask me, they’re cheapskates.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunkyFaz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20
🚨︎ report
What do matadors use to keep their skin moisturized after a bullfight?

Oil of OlΓ©

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goat_chortle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18
🚨︎ report
I like to use the word mucho around my Spanish friends....

because I know it means a lot to them

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dirtweed_dude
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19
🚨︎ report
What dating app does Tony hawk use?

Grindr

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadyshdy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19
🚨︎ report
Someone asked me why I use lots of spices whenever I cook

So I said thyme is of the essence

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 27
🚨︎ report
My son asked if he could use the garage so he could jam with his band.

I broke the bad news: we only have marmalade in this house.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RagingBone69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24
🚨︎ report
When a hippopotamus uses the toilet

It’s a hippo-potty-mess

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TimD_43
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24
🚨︎ report
What adjective do you use to describe a pirate with a big butt?

Thiccccccc with seven C's

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BringerOfLemonade
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21
🚨︎ report
What currency do astronauts use in space?

Starbucks.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05
🚨︎ report
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.

Now those days are behind me.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03
🚨︎ report
I finally got to cash in on a joke today that I’ve been looking for a reason to use for years

Background: My family was at the lake today. The lake was a little choppy today so when we went on the boat we hit one really big wave where the front end of the boat came crashing down hard. My nephew (7) just happened to be sitting on a cup holder and it hurt his butt when we landed.

We got back to the house and my nephew said...

Nephew: my butt hurts. I think its broken.

Me: did I ever tell you about the time I broke my butt?

Nephew: no. Is it still broken?

Me: yeah. There’s a big crack in it still.

He didn’t get it. But all the other adults laughed/rolled their eyes. Stupid joke I know, but I don’t care.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LostPin
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
When my son asked me which of two boat paddles he should use, I said:

"Either oar."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-taco-rice-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
🚨︎ report
Use it wisely
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FiresideLamb961
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16
🚨︎ report
I’m trying to teach my grandpa how to use his wheelchair better....

But there’s too many steps.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
🚨︎ report
What do taxidermists use when they have a parrot to work with?

Polly-filler.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 20
🚨︎ report
I’m debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...

It’s row v. wade.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LavenderBlue_
πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…

It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
What skincare product do bullfighters use?

Oil of OlΓ©.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_am_a_turtle
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
I find it so sad that the US uses another unit other than Β°C or K for measuring temperature.

F.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rocker230
πŸ“…︎ May 25
🚨︎ report
I would tell a joke about how to use rope...

but it is knot that funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
🚨︎ report
I'm going to use a colander to view the next solar eclipse.

I'll just have to be careful not to strain my eyes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/0Squid
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
🚨︎ report
Why do you never let a cephalopod use your toilet?

Because they leave squid marks

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πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks

"woof" guy replies

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedDogBoyMark
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Q: What key do you use when opening a banana?

A: A monkey!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nuk3st
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
They are discussing bringing in fruit to use against the protesters!

Next wave of enforcement will be Apricops

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaosBadger777
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
🚨︎ report
Why doesn't Batman use his cellphone?

Because he's always got a bat signal!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/metroidfan220
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
There’s a rampant serial killer who uses a drill...

Kills his victims bit by bit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TNormus
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
What does a mermaid use to clean her fins?

Tide

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mansour1492
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
🚨︎ report
Apparently you can't use 'beefstew' as a password.

>!It's not stroganoff.!<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PresentCode
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30
🚨︎ report
Original joke time! The apples I had to remove the peals from all appeared in twos, matched for use together.

They pared up nicely.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 03
🚨︎ report
I keep being awakened by dreams of Indian dishes that use a complex combination of spices or herbs, usually including ground turmeric, cumin, coriander, ginger, and fresh or dried chilies...

It's a re-curry-ing nightmare.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
Good pickup line to use at the hairdresser's...

"...excuse me miss, do you comb hair often?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
Before the crash, I use to be a a pretty good stand up comedian

Now I'm a sit down comedian.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Sparky_
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
I once taught a mechanic who still didn't know what tool to use at the appropriate time.

I told him, you know the drill!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Girafffiiee
πŸ“…︎ May 10
🚨︎ report
There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ

It's 150 minus the number of toilet rolls you have at home

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25
🚨︎ report
What does a skeleton use for archery

A bone and marrow

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Adorm_Snormp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22
🚨︎ report
Some cities have bathrooms that you pay to use.

You could say they are charging a Pee-mium.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reefay
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13
🚨︎ report
I invented a contraption that I could use to refine feces from long distances...

I smelt that sh!t a mile away!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow

A wun

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dred_not
πŸ“…︎ May 22
🚨︎ report
What does Darth Vader use to move up and down?

The Elevader.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marv1236
πŸ“…︎ May 15
🚨︎ report
What cell service provider do track stars use?

Sprint

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πŸ‘€︎ u/funnydeadpool
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
🚨︎ report
I’ve been having to use lettuce as TP since the Covid craziness

The worst part is the news says this is just the tip of the iceberg and what I need to use as TP tomorrow romaines to be seen. Stay safe kids, Dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?

Megasoreass

Thanks! I’ll be here the next two months!

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GunslingerMykul
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31
🚨︎ report
My Dad told me the other day he hates it when people use dark mode

so i called him a racist

p.s do i need to make this nsfw? i'm not sure so pls don't remove

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tHeSeTiReSmAn
πŸ“…︎ May 04
🚨︎ report
What does Jack Frost use to determine if it's cold enough to start hanging icicles?

His test-icles

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/steeple_fun
πŸ“…︎ May 09
🚨︎ report
What tool do NASA use on satellites?

Orbital sander.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the new tool they use for ice farming?

It's called an ice-sickle

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShadowDabber
πŸ“…︎ May 22
🚨︎ report
You can always tell how good a dad is, by how many baby wipes they use

3 wipes: rookie dad, hasn't figured it out yet

2 wipes: getting there, but still a noob

1 wipe: master dad

0 wipes: not a very good dad.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05
🚨︎ report
When my wife said that she wanted to use this quarantine time to get Thinner, I just laughed.

When my wife said that she wanted to use this quarantine time to get Thinner, I just laughed.

She's thinking of "The Stand."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09
🚨︎ report
I've had to use my old nintendo controller to work from lately

You can say I've been working wiimotely

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akjohnston87
πŸ“…︎ May 22
🚨︎ report
not to be punny butt,,what type of waterdo serial wankers use...

hard water

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
🚨︎ report
I wanted to use a photo of the ocean

but it was watermarked.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
🚨︎ report
Her: Obviously, everyone prefers to use a vacuum cleaner to a brush.

Me: Isn’t that.....a sweeping generalization?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
When buying an exotic flower for your lover there are two choices. Use contraception…

Orchid

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ May 10
🚨︎ report
What excuse did the student use to get away with skipping their zoom lecture?

"My dog ate my computer."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anti1447
πŸ“…︎ May 13
🚨︎ report
My wife uses a whole bottle of dishwasher every time she washes the dishes at night.

Another day, another Dawn.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07
🚨︎ report
What do scientists use to freshen their breath?

Experi-mints

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/myname69420
πŸ“…︎ May 15
🚨︎ report
If you use an unsupported letter...

Is it a chERRORcter?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rocketinferno
πŸ“…︎ May 09
🚨︎ report
A pirate is transported to modern day and stumbles upon a lumber mill while looking for work. When the pirate is asked if he knows how to use any of the tools...

He replies, "Arkansas".

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dominant_Dankster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
How many birds can use their huge beak to peel fruit?

Toucan

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Octopus-Pawn
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03
🚨︎ report
I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.

It's pointless.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What does a Wizard use to stick things together?

Spellotape

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Black_Fox_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08
🚨︎ report
What browser do the Montagues use?

Google Chromeo

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ya_Boi_Wildcard
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?

. . . Space jam

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UncleChido
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
Why should you always use protection when having sex at sea?

So you don't get mermaids.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrcharlesboyle
πŸ“…︎ May 08
🚨︎ report
What will newborn babies become if the Goverment use them in a secret military project?

They wil be some fine ass Infantry

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zomaima1010
πŸ“…︎ May 09
🚨︎ report
When you're in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.

Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis."

Edit: Thanks for the Platinum stranger! Wow!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Every time I wash the dishes at night after dinner, I use a whole bottle of dishwashing liquid.

Another day, another Dawn.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23
🚨︎ report
I heard that during this virus outbreak, we shouldn't use the same faucets as other people.

It's something called social distance sink.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flamenico
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21
🚨︎ report
What drugs do French people use to get high?

Oui’d

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A1if
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04
🚨︎ report
Security professionals advise to never use β€˜beef stew’ as a password

It isn’t stroganoff

πŸ‘︎ 419
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-m-meeseeks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03
🚨︎ report
I cannot and will not ever use a plastic knife in any situation

It never makes the cut

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beebeepsheep
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
Documentary; The African elephant has a penis so large it can use it as a 5th leg

Me; Left knee, right knee, wee nee

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lisajean1234
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20
🚨︎ report
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,

I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xxUsernameMichael
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
🚨︎ report
What do you use to put a bolt in someones back?

A double crossbow.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
What glass do birds use

Beakers

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Punnier_Guy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24
🚨︎ report
I keep trying to teach my husband how to use chopsticks, but he walrus gets it wrong.
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrixyUkulele
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29
🚨︎ report
Keep safe during this pandemic and use an old padded bra to make yourself a comfortable mask. Just make sure you use the left cup...

Because if you use the right one you will look like a right tit.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Astoran15
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10
🚨︎ report
During these dark times I figure people could use something uplifting.

This might work.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
How do you cut the ocean in half?... you use a sea saw

You use a sea saw!

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hvmetalhead
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28
🚨︎ report
Wife: Remember to practice safe snacks and to use condiments

Me: Baby stop, you’re making me hungry

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Serm22
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25
🚨︎ report
I usually can’t use monkey bars

But I’m getting the hang of it

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kableewey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18
🚨︎ report

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