So my partner probably wants to stab me more than i think. Almost every time she ask is me to “put the kettle on” I respond “I can’t, it won’t fit” or if we’re shopping and I’m asked “do you need a bag” I point at her and say “it’s fine I brought my own” there are others, but they currently evade my 2am brain.
I feel I need some new ones to keep her on her toes and what better place than this sanctum of one liners (except for this post, for which I apologise).
Capitalist
My sincere apologies in advance 😉
I answered "When it comes to using hyphens, just a dash will do."
We're a fairly advanced society, we need jokes with content that makes us think. All these easy laughs are making us dumber by the second, and we just keep rewarding them with upvotes that convince the lazy among us to keep churning out lazy jokes. Comedy is one of the only common traits things in every society and culture on this planet and we may not always agree with what is funny, it's very subjective, but no society or culture has no comedy. It's one of the most effective unifiers in all human existence. Of course it's just my two cents, but we really need to avoid cheapening it. There are 6500 spoken languages in the world and this is the most widely spoken, the least spoken languages of course being sign language. Someone once said "a world without laughter would be like a world without warmth, a dark hole in the ground filled with cold water." I know they mean well, but I think it's worse than that. There are three unwritten rules for how comedy should function in the world. We have to learn to follow them or we're doomed as a people, forever, however just like there are two butts in the word "assassin", there are two caveats to this dire situation with lessons learned from the best there is. One is the lesson we can take from Switzerland, I'm not entirely sure what makes them so good at integrating comedy into their lives, but their flag is a huge plus. The other is the lesson we can learn from farmers who know how to put what's important first, how to put in the effort into growing something, and they are always outstanding in their field. We get too caught up in standard modalities of thinking and none of us are totally all right, in fact most of us are at least close to half left. In closing, the absence of comedy when you really think about it, is fear. Fear of the ups and downs of life, much like a fear of elevators. And just like a fear of elevators, we all must take steps to avoid it. Thank you for your time.
Disappointed
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
Then the rabbi says: "Just give me a tea, so I can become an overused joke."
- Overused
Literally This.
How many feet in a yard?
Depends how many people are standing in it.
When the waitress hands us the bill and says you can pay this whenever you want. I reply, is tomorrow ok with you.
Dad: Do you know why they call this town (town's name)?
Me: No
Dad: Because that's it's name.
Corduroy pillows!! They're making HEADlines!!
But China got it right off the bat
Don't worry, he woke up
You thought i'd point out that they have bear feet, but that joke is so overused it's unbearable.
... And her husband suggested she move her desk into the corner because it's always 90 degrees.
She was not as amused as he was.
If I saw that I'd puma pants
Me: oh my god! Do you smell that? Them: smell what? Me: it's horrible. I've only smelled that once before, it smells like supdawg. My wife: what's supdawg? Me: not much what's going on? My daughter laughed uncontrollably.
So storytime... My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc.) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram.
The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related.
Something like this: http://i.imgur.com/nPdi07H.jpg
My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns.
I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest.
Who sings this song?
"Adele"
Let's keep it that way
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
