We have a strict hierarchy policy for PPE usage at my office...

Regular workers must wear small face shields, while Managers get to use the super-visors.

👍︎ 12k
📅︎ Jul 13
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Why is it hard to measure power usage with differential equations?

Because Watt and Euler don't mix.

👍︎ 6
👤︎ u/AmadeusMop
📅︎ Jan 04
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Is this considered proper usage of a 3d printer?
👍︎ 13
👤︎ u/locutus90
📅︎ Sep 07 2018
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Someone tried to explain to me how power usage works.

I was like, "watt?"

👍︎ 15
📅︎ Dec 27 2017
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I made a Venn Diagram to explain my pun usage...

So storytime... My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc.) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram.

The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related.

Something like this: http://i.imgur.com/nPdi07H.jpg

My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns.

I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest.

👍︎ 29
👤︎ u/xahhfink6
📅︎ Mar 01 2017
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An interesting tidbit about usage

Is that it starts with USA

👍︎ 6
👤︎ u/MaxCanada
📅︎ Dec 21 2017
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So I wanted to publish my book on how to maximize storage usage in your kitchen.

But the publisher refused saying they could not publish illegal material. Stupid anti counter fitting laws.

👍︎ 89
📅︎ Dec 23 2016
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Toilet usage

When my stepson asks 'Can I use the toilet quickly?':

'Let's find out - I'll time you. Go!'

I think he hates me.

👍︎ 34
👤︎ u/mr_richie
📅︎ Jul 30 2016
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If a dad's advice entered popular usage, it would be a dadage!

x-posted to r/dadjokes

👍︎ 2
📅︎ Dec 13 2013
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Conversation with my sons mate

Sons mate: I got 90% for my maths test today.

Me: That's great, what was it about?

Him: Volume

Me: What? I didn't catch that.

Him (slightly louder): Volume

Me: Sorry I couldn't hear you

Him (louder still): VOLUME!

I walk off chuckling to myself while he looks confused.

👍︎ 2k
📅︎ Apr 12 2016
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Long one...

DEAR NEIGHBOUR: Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, & I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you. Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE: Fred, feeling very angry & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard, killing him. He went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa and calmed down. Fred then looked at his phone & di

... keep reading on reddit ➡

👍︎ 8
👤︎ u/doogsie125
📅︎ Sep 16 2018
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Request for sexy grammatical pun

Can someone think up a pun that comes from the phrase "Proper Comma Usage" but also relates to the most popular form of male-member based contraception?

👍︎ 7
👤︎ u/dice777
📅︎ Feb 16 2015
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Pulled this one on the wife

Me: Did you know a quarter pound is sometimes called a german rave?

Wife: What? Really?

Me: Yea! Ounce, ounce, ounce, ounce

Usage: I would like a german rave with cheese, no pickles

👍︎ 83
📅︎ Jan 06 2014
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My personal favorite witty response from my dad...

Me: Hey dad, how do you [insert random task or activity]?

Dad: Very carefully.

He's been using this reply on me for fifteen years, since I was six years old. As such, it has become a daily usage for me. My girlfriend hates me for it.

👍︎ 3
📅︎ Jun 14 2014
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Meta Etymology

Might it be possible that the origin of "your jokes are lame" comes from "I cannot stand your jokes"?

Great dadjokes never die, they just fade into common usage...

👍︎ 2
👤︎ u/chewgl
📅︎ Apr 20 2014
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