BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard

whoops wrong sub

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterPorky
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the utilities closet?

SUPPLIES!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Krowley25
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.

I replied back: β€œSure, my door is always open.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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My utility belt is empty...

Now it's just a waist of space.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KurlyKarl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
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My son got a Philosophy degree for its utility in the work world.

He's right. His new job is an existential test for him daily

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheNoseTaker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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In the 12th century, one African nation planned to utilize giraffes as pack animals to carry supplies between warring nations. However, the giraffes kept escaping. It was the first recorded instance of giraffe dodging.
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
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Very Useful Utility imgur.com/s2Ef8Bz
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GiauzarGD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2016
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What type of baseball player gives out all the water?

The Pitcher

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CanadianBoi0
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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I used to work at the calendar factory

... but was fired for taking a couple of days off!

Not unknown, but a fave. I also wanted to say I became a certified dad today! I plan on utilizing this sub to torture my new child.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EridonMan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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When I become a superhero I'm going to be called 'Ironic'...

So when there's trouble and I'm running away they'll shout - "Isn't that Ironic!?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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Nerdy dad joke

Attention - due to the current health situation, I am hereby suspending all TCP communication. I will only utilize UDP in order to avoid all handshakes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darth-noxious
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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What do a octopus and a human have in common?

They are both fairly dumb compared to the ultimately attainable intelligence of a biological organism given the use of cognitive enhancement utilizing vast computational resources.

(Yea that’s the joke, this is my first day on the job and I’m trying to impress the boss.) what am I saying

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hisairnessag
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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I'm sure it's in here, but it's a classic.

Me: (approaching Dad) Hey! Dad: Hay is for horses.

Every. Single. Time.

Apparently I need to utilize a new greeting..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoloCowboy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2013
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Should we have a housewarming party?

No. Let's leave the house warming to the utilities.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guido_Cavalcante
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2016
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Got the whole council with this one...

I am on the city council and we had a workshop about why utility rates are lower inside the city compared to outside.

It came down to this:

  1. No study was done to show the validity of the difference.
  2. It was strictly a policy decision with an arbitrary number.
  3. The reason for this approach was simply that it is "standard in the industry" and because it is "what every other city does".

Prefacing that I was a dad so I had to say it: I suggested the rational wasn't the most sound since "just because every other city jumped off a bridge, it didn't mean I wasn't going to jump off a bridge."

Mixture of groans and laughter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gabeanzelini
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2015
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Cooking with my lady tonight...

I was cooking some broiled salmon with dill (key word here), capers and lemon. She REALLY wanted to use the Henckels 8" utility knife to cut up some celery and carrots for some soup while I was stripping the dill for the salmon. After she asked for the knife (we have plenty, but this has the best edge), I said, "What is your DILLS?! Just use another knife!" I had to repeat it two times before she got it and let out a she let out a huge groan while I got a good chuckle to myself. ^I'll^show^myself^out

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dome215
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the utility closet?

Supplies!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shieldvortex17
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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A utility belt is a waist of resources.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darklyte
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2016
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