Where do you insects go for employment and food?

Buzzfeed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirSunDowner
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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In the early 1900's, a number of protests arose because of employment of children in coal mines.

I suppose you could say the owners had a minor minor miner problem.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/poison_us
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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Two men go to a job fair seeking employment [long]

They scan the room and approach the table of an available recruitment officer. "Hello gentlemen, please have a seat and we can begin." The two men sit in the chairs and pull up to the table. "Now," says the recruitment officer, "hopefully we can find employment for both of you based on your prior work experience. We have a wide variety of jobs available. I'll ask you some questions and we can go from there." The two men nod eagerly in agreement. The officer turns to the first man. "Can you tell me what you did for work before today?" "I'm a pilot," the man replies. "Oh, that's great," the officer exclaims, "I already know that we are definitely looking for pilots!" He takes some notes and turns to the second man. "And can you tell me what you did for work before today?" "I'm a wood cutter," the man says in reply. "Oh, dear," the officer says, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, but we have don't have any positions like that. I'm afraid we can place your friend, but not you." "That's impossible!" the man sputters in disbelief. "I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing I can do." says the officer. "We aren't currently looking for any wood cutters." "But that's insane!" the man shouts in frustration. "If I don't cut the wood, how is he supposed to pile it?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MC_Bankrupt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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Employment scheme for under-trained pilots
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
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Sup /r/dadjokes. I turned some of your jokes into simple graphics for shirts. And I wrote The Dad Joke Manifesto. Join the movement!

I spent a good portion of my youth rolling my eyes at my father's jokes. But deep down, I loved 'em. I have a great Dad. But I'm not really the best at saying "I love you". I was reading /r/dadjokes recently and I had an idea. I should turn my Dad's favorite joke into a t-shirt. Then, on Father's Day, I could video chat with him while I wear the shirt.

I think he would love the shit out of that, you know? Like, maybe he will think "Wow, my son gets it. He actually likes my humor!"

Then I thought, I could turn a bunch of these jokes into shirts. So I did. You can see them here:

http://www.funnyshirts.org/s/dadjokes

And then I thought, man, if I could get more people to do nothing else on Father's Day but to embrace their Dad's sense of humor... that would be pretty cool. It would make a lot of Dads happy.

So I wrote the Dad Joke Manifesto:

http://dadjokemanifesto.tumblr.com/themanifesto

You don't have to use t-shirts. Just make a good joke. Employ puns. Think about your Dad's style, his favorite joke, and embrace it.

If you can dig it, then join the movement. Send me your favorite Dad Jokes. Join us on:

Facebook

Twitter

Tumblr

If nothing else, follow along for some good dad jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbenz
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2014
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I used to think employers valued their workers, until yesterday when I worked a full day, but only got paid twenty cents. I see my boss entirely differently now after that.

It was a real paradigm shift.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotNIpsyRussell
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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Is it safe to say the people employed near Big Ben in London are....

....working around the clock?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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Employer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iFunny_15_T0x1c
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
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I told my employer to workout

now I'm a boss

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ebatm3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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My employer told me I have to learn a new language, and quickly.

So I chose Russian.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arkham_Asylum27
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
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I just employed someone at my guillotine factory...

He seemed so happy to be working with cutting head technology.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteveOMatt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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Why doesn’t Santa have to provide health insurance for his workers?

They’re technically Elf employed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrymmTravel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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Interviewer: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"

Me: "I Excel at it."

Interviewer: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"

Me: "Word".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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What did the employed dolphin say to the unemployed dolphin?

At least I have a porpoise.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hinote21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?

A freelancer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident?

To the I.C.U.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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The Earth employs its continents.

Australia got fired.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danielsoft1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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Despite getting A-level results of A, B, B, A

it seems that no employer will take a chance on me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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My transformation is almost complete

So my wife is currently working from home and her employer decided to send her a hamper package in the mail. It was quite nice but pretty standard stuff. Wine, some cookies, crackers and also a bottle extra virgin olive oil (came with a cheese platter kit)

Wife was pretty happy about the fancy packaging and showed it to me saying "look they even sent extra virgin olive oil in this little fancy bottle for cheese platters!"

My response? "Aww that poor olive oil bottle never had sex? So sad!"

...Pls send help

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hyperpuma
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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We should make it a rule not to post any jokes about the un-employed here

They just don't work

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manchuck
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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Our office has decided to employ livestock

So now I have a bunch of new cow-workers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wotah_Bottle_86
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
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What if pigs could fly?

They could be employed to float aerial advertising banners, but they would likely be porcine carriers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bardbelle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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Playing the long game

Life Goals:

Have a daughter

Name her 'Dearly'

Train her to be an accountant

Employ her at my business

Wrap up every transaction with: Now you'll pay Dearly for this.

EDIT: Spelling

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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I used to work at a nut farm

The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mister_origami
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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Making external auditory sensors for automobiles is an employable skill

You can make a car ear doing it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bdfariello
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.

The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/juicy-tomato
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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I hear that Samsung are employing security guards at all their stores now...

...does this make them...Guardians of the Galaxy?

:D

Hotter half shared that with me the other day. We're trying to build up our dad joke repertoire with a recently arrived bub.

EDIT: for removal of apostrophe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scalesthefish
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2015
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The Coca Cola employe of the month

Coca Cola creator: Glass bottles are to expensive. We need something new and cheeper to produce. Employe of the month: I have an idea on something that CAN… giggles Coca Cola creator: THATS IT!!!!! We can sell them in plastic!!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sito_YT
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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If dogs could have people jobs, what would they most likely be employed as?

A roofer!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mobobongos
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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Two guys are talking about life and one asks the other, β€œso, what do you do?” The other guy says β€œI own a chocolate factory and employ a bunch of oompah loompas”

The first guy replies, β€œOh, Willy?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chickmagnick05
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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My friend Anne has the habit of hiring & firing people...

I hate to see someone Anne employed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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What kind of cake did the Japanese employer give to her employee as gratitude for her work at her company?

An ari-gateau.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePurpleArrow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2017
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Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?

He was afraid of capitalism.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucidus_somniorum
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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My employer did random drug testing today.

I got weeded out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
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I was working as a lumberjack...

but my employer gave me the axe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
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What did one unemployed sensei say to the other and employed sensei ?

They took our jabs!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amisamiamiam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2017
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Supervisor: Why do I always have to come looking for you?

Me: Because a good worker is hard to find.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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What did the viking say to his employer?

I need a raze!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackcat74
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2017
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I started a new job building custom bookcases...

I'm shelf employed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
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As an employer who reads a lot of resumes, it's so frustrating sometimes to see a spelling misteak.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scipio_aurelius
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2016
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If the Third Reich had employed barnyard animals, its top aides to the Farmer would have been Heinrich Hammler and Joseph Gobbles

and they would be fighting Joseph Stallion and Franklin D. Roostervelt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yuktobania
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
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A man goes into a job interview.

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied, "Oh, that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

The man is super happy and says "Yay, I got a yob!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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My job was over after the thesaurus company went out of business...

I lost my employment, position, job... Will labor, toil, work for nutriment, provender, edibles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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Does anyone want a job as a door?

Because I heard there's an opening.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KyleMistry
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2013
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Shakespeare was hired by a theater to tend patrons' horses...

How did Shakespeare learn all about his new employer?

During its onbarding process.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mookmerkin
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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I work at a door factory. I will be leaving employment there on Tuesday. I need them to "love me" I need puns stat!

Sorry, but all I have is, I need ADOORable puns.

Thank you guys, keep it coming!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ldr_Jag_Man
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2016
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My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running "Hello, world" program.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordMeme42
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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