My employer told me I have to learn a new language, and quickly.

So I chose Russian.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arkham_Asylum27
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17
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Employer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iFunny_15_T0x1c
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15
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My employer did random drug testing today.

I got weeded out.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
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What kind of cake did the Japanese employer give to her employee as gratitude for her work at her company?

An ari-gateau.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePurpleArrow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2017
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What did the viking say to his employer?

I need a raze!!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackcat74
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2017
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As an employer who reads a lot of resumes, it's so frustrating sometimes to see a spelling misteak.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scipio_aurelius
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2016
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Sup /r/dadjokes. I turned some of your jokes into simple graphics for shirts. And I wrote The Dad Joke Manifesto. Join the movement!

I spent a good portion of my youth rolling my eyes at my father's jokes. But deep down, I loved 'em. I have a great Dad. But I'm not really the best at saying "I love you". I was reading /r/dadjokes recently and I had an idea. I should turn my Dad's favorite joke into a t-shirt. Then, on Father's Day, I could video chat with him while I wear the shirt.

I think he would love the shit out of that, you know? Like, maybe he will think "Wow, my son gets it. He actually likes my humor!"

Then I thought, I could turn a bunch of these jokes into shirts. So I did. You can see them here:

http://www.funnyshirts.org/s/dadjokes

And then I thought, man, if I could get more people to do nothing else on Father's Day but to embrace their Dad's sense of humor... that would be pretty cool. It would make a lot of Dads happy.

So I wrote the Dad Joke Manifesto:

http://dadjokemanifesto.tumblr.com/themanifesto

Y

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jbenz
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2014
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I just employed someone at my guillotine factory...

He seemed so happy to be working with cutting head technology.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteveOMatt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16
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In the early 1900's, a number of protests arose because of employment of children in coal mines.

I suppose you could say the owners had a minor minor miner problem.

πŸ‘︎ 125
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πŸ‘€︎ u/poison_us
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
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Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident?

To the I.C.U.

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ May 02
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What did the employed dolphin say to the unemployed dolphin?

At least I have a porpoise.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hinote21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11
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What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?

A freelancer.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06
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The Earth employs its continents.

Australia got fired.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danielsoft1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18
🚨︎ report
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.

The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/juicy-tomato
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23
🚨︎ report
Our office has decided to employ livestock

So now I have a bunch of new cow-workers

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wotah_Bottle_86
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12
🚨︎ report
I used to work at a nut farm

The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mister_origami
πŸ“…︎ May 28
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We should make it a rule not to post any jokes about the un-employed here

They just don't work

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manchuck
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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Two men go to a job fair seeking employment [long]

They scan the room and approach the table of an available recruitment officer. "Hello gentlemen, please have a seat and we can begin." The two men sit in the chairs and pull up to the table. "Now," says the recruitment officer, "hopefully we can find employment for both of you based on your prior work experience. We have a wide variety of jobs available. I'll ask you some questions and we can go from there." The two men nod eagerly in agreement. The officer turns to the first man. "Can you tell me what you did for work before today?" "I'm a pilot," the man replies. "Oh, that's great," the officer exclaims, "I already know that we are definitely looking for pilots!" He takes some notes and turns to the second man. "And can you tell me what you did for work before today?" "I'm a wood cutter," the man says in reply. "Oh, dear," the officer says, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, but we have don't have any positions like that. I'm afraid we can place your friend, but not you." "Th

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MC_Bankrupt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Making external auditory sensors for automobiles is an employable skill

You can make a car ear doing it

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bdfariello
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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The Coca Cola employe of the month

Coca Cola creator: Glass bottles are to expensive. We need something new and cheeper to produce. Employe of the month: I have an idea on something that CAN… giggles Coca Cola creator: THATS IT!!!!! We can sell them in plastic!!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sito_YT
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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If dogs could have people jobs, what would they most likely be employed as?

A roofer!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mobobongos
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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I started a new job building custom bookcases...

I'm shelf employed.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13
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I was working as a lumberjack...

but my employer gave me the axe.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
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I hear that Samsung are employing security guards at all their stores now...

...does this make them...Guardians of the Galaxy?

:D

Hotter half shared that with me the other day. We're trying to build up our dad joke repertoire with a recently arrived bub.

EDIT: for removal of apostrophe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scalesthefish
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2015
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Employment scheme for under-trained pilots
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
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Supervisor: Why do I always have to come looking for you?

Me: Because a good worker is hard to find.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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I'm a fraudulent federally-employed piece of farming equipment. One may say that I'm...

a government contractor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WOODINT
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2017
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Two guys are talking about life and one asks the other, β€œso, what do you do?” The other guy says β€œI own a chocolate factory and employ a bunch of oompah loompas”

The first guy replies, β€œOh, Willy?”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chickmagnick05
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?

He was afraid of capitalism.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucidus_somniorum
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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A man goes into a job interview.

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied, "Oh, that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

The man is super happy and says "Yay, I got a yob!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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What did one unemployed sensei say to the other and employed sensei ?

They took our jabs!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amisamiamiam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2017
🚨︎ report
If the Third Reich had employed barnyard animals, its top aides to the Farmer would have been Heinrich Hammler and Joseph Gobbles

and they would be fighting Joseph Stallion and Franklin D. Roostervelt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yuktobania
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
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Shakespeare was hired by a theater to tend patrons' horses...

How did Shakespeare learn all about his new employer?

During its onbarding process.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mookmerkin
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My job was over after the thesaurus company went out of business...

I lost my employment, position, job... Will labor, toil, work for nutriment, provender, edibles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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My grandpa took down 8 German planes, killing over 50 Nazi soldiers.

He was know as β€œThe worst aero mechanic ever employed at Messerschmitt.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hecklingheck
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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A turkey flew through the window where my wife used to work

I told my wife about a recent story in /r/TalesFromTechSupport about a late-night alarm going off at work. She told me that at one of her previous employers, a turkey had flown through a window.

Her: I knew about it because I worked for the general counsel and she had to know about it.
Me: In case the turkey tried to sue?
Her: In case it was fowl play.

You may also enjoy A Previous Dialogue with My Wife

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfofurn
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2018
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My memory has got so bad I lost my job

I’m still employed I just can’t remember where

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_McMuffins
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
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Does anyone want a job as a door?

Because I heard there's an opening.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KyleMistry
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2013
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A Political One.

Think back to the strategy employed by the Tea Party to primary out moderate Republicans and replace them with extremists.

The party kept the same name and in many ways yes kept the same policies, but underwent fundamental changes by replacing many of its parts with new, different ones, while still being the same party.

Would this strategy be called the Vote of Theseus?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StruckingFuggle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2017
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[Funny, but true] Paternity Leave (x-posting from r/BabyBumps)

I came home yesterday (Friday) and excitedly told my wife that my boss decided to offer paternity leave to all new dads at the law firm.

She reminded me that I'm self employed and the only employee of the firm, and that if I wanted to pay the rent next month, my ass better be back at work on Monday.

So I guess I'll be at work on Monday...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MattProducer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2016
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Got my boss (clearly a dad) to chuckle at this one

Boss: I like to block off my calendar at the end of my day from 4-6 as my catch up time

Me: What comes after that, mustard time?

I'm still employed somehow

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaconStorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2016
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This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad seems to think the best time to pick on my boyfriends is at the dinner table...

Here are two of my dad's funniest (most memorable) moments while out to eat...

About five years ago, my ex-boyfriend and I went out for Valentine's Day with my parents. My mom and I were having a conversation about my brother's ex-fiancee when...

Ex: "Oh, so you guys don't like her?"

Dad: "No, but that's alright, we don't really like [K's] boyfriend all that much either."

Needless to say, it wasn't as funny at the time...

Then about a few months ago, with my current boyfriend, we went out to eat with some family friends. At the time, my boyfriend was employed at an A/C company doing Chinese drywall and was talking with two of the men employed in other construction trades.

Family Friend: "Don't get involved in concrete. Or Construction. Better yet, stay out of anything that begins with a C."

Dad (from the other side of the table): "You better stay out of anything that starts with a K, too."

It's even more ironic considering I happen to have one of those names that's commonly s

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/22seaturtles
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2013
🚨︎ report
Nerdy band joke I heard from a friend

"I just joined a band called 999 Megabytes...

we haven't done a gig yet!"

Note I realize a gigabyte is actually 1024 megabytes.. but I let it slide.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/krayneeum
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2014
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Had this dropped on me at work

Me: We were short staffed at work today. Dad: Employ taller staff.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackMagic1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2013
🚨︎ report
Discussion on Twerking

Having a dinner conversation on employment before being asked by my dad what twerking was, when he came out with 'unemployment isn't twerking'

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahronp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Customer at a drive-thru.

Right now I am currently employed at Burger King. As of now, my duties are pretty strictly related to me working the drive-thru because my store is under construction. So the customer comes to the window and I say, "Sir, that is going to be 5.42". In which he replied, "Gee, I had no idea it was that late! where has the time gone."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oscarzr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2013
🚨︎ report
I work at a door factory. I will be leaving employment there on Tuesday. I need them to "love me" I need puns stat!

Sorry, but all I have is, I need ADOORable puns.

Thank you guys, keep it coming!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ldr_Jag_Man
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2016
🚨︎ report
My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running "Hello, world" program.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordMeme42
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report

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