Just happened: my contractor broke a window during our nearly complete renovation

He turned to me and said it's no problem. At this stage it's just a pane.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
After the contractor did a poor job installing the moving stairs in our office building my boss threw him down the steps.

That escalated quickly.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diceblue
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the canine contractor's favorite thing to build?

Aroooooo-f

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amazinglexus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I hired a contractor to put up a fence, but he never returned my calls.

I figured he was stone-walling me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I work in a manufacturing mill. It's crazy how many General contractors you see

When I've never seen a single lieutenant or corporal contractor

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peon2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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This contractor knocked on my door today and convinced me to invest in wine storage

He was a stellar cellar seller

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadlifememes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Are most rappers general contractors?

Because they’re always trying to raise the roof.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beerdrinkerguy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I had some work done to my room recently. When the contractor was done, I asked him how much I owed him.

He said, it’s on the house.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ComputerL
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A plumber and a contractor were arguing about something in a huge box.

The contractor was adamant that whatever was in the box would not go in the building at any cost. The plumber insisted he was just trying to do his job and that it was imperative that the box go into the master bathroom. The contractor turned him away despite warnings that there would be consequences. Upon hearing this, the owner of the building got angry and hired a new contractor. The new contractor also wouldn't allow the contents of the large box into the building. He was also fired and a new contractor hired. This contractor was a fun person, giving the workers breaks and buying them lunch. Out of fondness, the workers warned him that when plumber comes, he should allow the box to go into the building. So the contractor asked how important the contents of the box were and the workers replied, "Two people have been fired for not listening to the plumber, just let that sink in"

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A church recently sustained a lot of damage, and had to hire a contractor in order to replace all of it's bells which were destroyed. After completing the work, all of the contractors were promptly arrested.

They were charged with re-belling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m the best contractor.

That’s why they gave me the apostrophe :D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/o0oo00oo0o
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my contractor I didn't want carpeted steps.

He gave me a blank stair.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_snipeypants
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
🚨︎ report
A General Contractor walked up to one of his workers on a jobsite.

"How is the framework coming along Johnny?"

"It's almost done boss!" Said Johnny, beaming.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pandiax
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Two contractors are working on a building design

The first one is looking at the blueprint and finds that the stairs don't have enough space so he consults his supervisor. He shows him the blueprint and the space and says "there's not enough room so we need to change it to be either a ladder or an elevator". The supervisor thinks for a moment and replies "the latter"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/supergamer422
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Political pun: What does it look like when a government contractor flies the coop?
πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IamBunnyRobot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2014
🚨︎ report
I was helping my dad (contractor) put in windows on a new home.

He asked me to keep the window upright on the ground so he could measure it. He slid the window open, crawled through it and said, "You don't understand the 'pane' I'm going through."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermax12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad's a contractor and he dad joked me...

Me: "Dad, how was work? Did the roofers sign the deal?"

Dad: "We're ceiling the deal tomorrow"

Mom and I: groan

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryuguy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
🚨︎ report
A Solid Future

I told my son he should be a cement contractor. I told him that field has a solid future.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Divinepyramid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What did they yell at Edgar Allen Poe when he nearly walked into a tree?

POETRY!

πŸ‘︎ 127
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lshawel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.

But the contractor kept cutting corners.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xavier_Superfly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Earlier today I was working on a new house in town...

I was in charge of the fencing. The construction site was almost finished, and it was only this and the landscaping remaining. I did the first couple posts, but then I went to lunch, and when I came back, they were gone. I did as much as I could until the day ended, and I went home. I came back the next day, and they were all gone. I decided to speak to the contractor, and when I told him about the posts, he said β€œOh, yeah. There’s tons of reposting on this site.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaxerfp
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Growers Matter!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phlogiston78
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the skyscraper that split in half?

The engineers say the contractors didn't build it to specifications. The contractors say the engineers didn't design it right.

All I know is that there are 2 sides to every story.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/literally_a_brick
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to be a financial advisor for the military..

One time a contractor approached me and asked if I wanted to buy some panzers that his company built.

I considered it for a while but remembered that the air force needed to get new fighter jets.

I turn back to the contractor and say, β€œsorry, but we just don’t have enough room in the budget. Thanks but no tanks.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Bandit_TFR
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who works for their parents, but still lives at home?

A dependent contractor.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phyx8
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I submit to you a pun about plants in the final minutes of my reddit birthday.

So I know of this one plant. He's a sentient plant, who feels like he needs to move around more than he does (because plants can't move where they're planted on their own), and decided that he needs feet to do so.

So, the plant got a contractor to build him a laboratory around himself. He worked tirelessly for years in hopes of growing a foot he could use, but to no avail. Or, almost no avail.

He managed to finally create SOMETHING, but it wasn't much. All he could get out of all of his experiments and concoctions was a toe. Not even a real toe, a fake one.

So he has now performed...

FAUX-TOE-SYNTHESIS

(say it out loud)

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zap-Brannigan
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2012
🚨︎ report
What do you call a tractor in prison

a contractor

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ericnrmrf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2016
🚨︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
🚨︎ report
This one hit close to home.

So my dad was putting an addition onto our house, and I overheard him talking to the contractor. I peeked in to see what was happening, when the contractor pulls out a cross-sectional plan of the addition. Immediately, my dad says, "Whaddup, homeslice?"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vulpes-Aurum
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2015
🚨︎ report
A plumber and a contractor were arguing about something in a huge box.

The contractor was adamant that whatever was in the box would not go in the building at any cost. The plumber insisted he was just trying to do his job and that it was imperative that the box go into the master bathroom. The contractor turned him away despite warnings that there would be consequences. Upon hearing this, the owner of the building got angry and hired a new contractor. The new contractor also wouldn't allow the contents of the large box into the building. He was also fired and a new contractor hired. This contractor was a fun person, giving the workers breaks and buying them lunch. Out of fondness, the workers warned him that when plumber comes, he should allow the box to go into the building. So the contractor asked how important the contents of the box were and the workers replied, "Two people have been fired for not listening to the plumber, just let that sink in"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LTLazar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A Solid Future

I told my son he should be a cement contractor. I told him that field has a solid future.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Divinepyramid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
No carpet!

I told my contractor I didn't want carpet on the steps. He gave me a blank stair.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Proletariat_Smurf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report

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