Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget so he had to work it out with a pencil.
What is an accountant's favourite season?
Why are accountants scared to go outside?
Because it's accrual world out there.
Accountant: what is your gross income?
My dad: there's no need to insult my income like that.
Why do accountants sleep so well at night?
Why did the accountant join a cult?
Because he found their compound interesting.
An accountant was under review at his firm
He was asked the value of a dozen dozens, to which he promptly replied "132", instead of 144.
He was fired for gross misrepresentation.
What do you call a procrastinating accountant?
What does an accountant do when he's constipated?
Works it out with a pencil.
Why is it you never see a little person working as an accountant?
Because they’re always coming up short.
Don't ever lend books to an accountant...
Most of them are bookkeepers
I gave my wife a slutty girl accountant for her birthday and she asked me, "What the hell is this?"
"Well...it's the thot that counts."
What do you call a British accountant who moonlights as a sex worker?
my wife is considering becoming an accountant
It's the thought that counts
I’m an accountant for Hallmark... they throw me out of casinos now because I’m a “professional card counter”.
My son said he wants to be an accountant when he grows up.
I warned him it’s an accrual, accrual world.
Have you heard about the accountant who was caught stealing money from a honey company?
He was charged with embeezzlement
My accountant wife really likes her adding machine
I used to have a day job as an accountant and do yoga as a hobby.
I had to quit though. It became too much of a balancing act.
Why did the accountant dump his girlfriend?
I know accountant that is always tired
I believe his job is very taxing.
What do you call a joke with which an accountant makes fun of himself?
I got a new job recently as a junior accountant, I’m enjoying it so far but..
Most days I find the work very taxing.
How does an accountant make his bed?
After messing up my tax return forms yet again, my accountant said to me: "you're such a liability....."
"... you should be on a balance sheet"...
Did you hear about the accountant who hated negative numbers?
...he would stop at nothing to avoid them.
So i matched with an accountant on a dating site...
And I asked her how she liked her job.
Her (paraphrased) reply: "I love it, what's great about working with numbers is that there's always a right answer."
Me: "I love it when everything adds up."
What game do accountants play on the playground when they were kids?
Deduct, deduct, degooset.
I let my family down. They dreamed of me becoming an accountant...
had to explain to them I lost interest and decided to become a principle.
How does an accountant pick up a girl?
He tells her that he excels in sheets
What did the accountant say to the man who was filing for bankruptcy after using a lot of payday loans?
There is a lot of interest in your credit history.
The Hershey Company Accountants
I wonder if they have a report for their separate products, like to show how well their individual items are selling. Maybe like a Heath Ledger
What did the accountant do with his newborn daughter?
Did I ever tell you about the constipated accountant?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
They just couldn’t budget
Did you hear about the constipated accountant ...
Why was the accountant constipated?
Because he couldn't budget.
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