Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn't budget so he had to work it out with a pencil.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brianl2px2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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What is an accountant's favourite season?

Summer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnykelly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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Why are accountants scared to go outside?

Because it's accrual world out there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/muito_ricardo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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Accountant: what is your gross income?

My dad: there's no need to insult my income like that.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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Why do accountants sleep so well at night?

Cool spreadsheets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/warpedddd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
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Why did the accountant join a cult?

Because he found their compound interesting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dwayne_jetski69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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An accountant was under review at his firm

He was asked the value of a dozen dozens, to which he promptly replied "132", instead of 144.

He was fired for gross misrepresentation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlduinIsAGeordie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
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What do you call a procrastinating accountant?

A calcu-later

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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What does an accountant do when he's constipated?

Works it out with a pencil.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bentnotbroken96
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
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Why is it you never see a little person working as an accountant?

Because they’re always coming up short.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MissusLunafreya
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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Don't ever lend books to an accountant...

Most of them are bookkeepers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/astorylikethat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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I gave my wife a slutty girl accountant for her birthday and she asked me, "What the hell is this?"

"Well...it's the thot that counts."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/carks
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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What kind of music do accountants listen to? reddit.com/r/cleanjokes/c…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/salvatorecreme
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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What do you call a British accountant who moonlights as a sex worker?

Tally ho!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KnickersInAKnit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2018
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my wife is considering becoming an accountant

It's the thought that counts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YinYangMojo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
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I’m an accountant for Hallmark... they throw me out of casinos now because I’m a β€œprofessional card counter”.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/serion15
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
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My son said he wants to be an accountant when he grows up.

I warned him it’s an accrual, accrual world.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RoguesScholar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2018
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Have you heard about the accountant who was caught stealing money from a honey company?

He was charged with embeezzlement

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeBlorqo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
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My accountant wife really likes her adding machine

It figures

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KungFooShus
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2018
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I used to have a day job as an accountant and do yoga as a hobby.

I had to quit though. It became too much of a balancing act.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/friedchocolate
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2017
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Why did the accountant dump his girlfriend?

He lost interest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MRBADWOLF89
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2015
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I know accountant that is always tired

I believe his job is very taxing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/masives
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2017
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What do you call a joke with which an accountant makes fun of himself?

Self-depreciating.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hans-oberlander
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2016
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I got a new job recently as a junior accountant, I’m enjoying it so far but..

Most days I find the work very taxing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InsomniacsDream
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2018
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How does an accountant make his bed?

Spreadsheets

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πŸ‘€︎ u/J_A_C_O_B
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2016
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After messing up my tax return forms yet again, my accountant said to me: "you're such a liability....."

"... you should be on a balance sheet"...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wkm86
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
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Did you hear about the accountant who hated negative numbers?

...he would stop at nothing to avoid them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NorthanMonkee
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2015
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So i matched with an accountant on a dating site...

And I asked her how she liked her job.

Her (paraphrased) reply: "I love it, what's great about working with numbers is that there's always a right answer."

Me: "I love it when everything adds up."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/proteus4585
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2016
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What game do accountants play on the playground when they were kids?

Deduct, deduct, degooset.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zermie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2017
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I let my family down. They dreamed of me becoming an accountant...

had to explain to them I lost interest and decided to become a principle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirBeefy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2016
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How does an accountant pick up a girl?

He tells her that he excels in sheets

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrToastyToast
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2016
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What did the accountant say to the man who was filing for bankruptcy after using a lot of payday loans?

There is a lot of interest in your credit history.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zoolilba
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2015
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The Hershey Company Accountants

I wonder if they have a report for their separate products, like to show how well their individual items are selling. Maybe like a Heath Ledger

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sorkijan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
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What did the accountant do with his newborn daughter?

Treasurer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kirkauburn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2014
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Did I ever tell you about the constipated accountant?

He worked it out with a pencil.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeLinPA
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2013
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Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

They just couldn’t budget

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yetanotherrob
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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Did you hear about the constipated accountant ...

He couldn’t budget.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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Why was the accountant constipated?

Because he couldn't budget.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zamibe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2015
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