if he'd lettuce
It was my first order of business
He used the toilet-trees.
They’re both basses.
I'm going to have a corner offish and everything!
He found himself a loan.
He felt it was a real tripping hazard.
Sorry I’ll be quieter next time
They always try to keep stake holders happy
Me: "I bring a lot to the table."
Me: well, I knead dough
Teamwork makes the Dreamworks
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
Because Sharon is Karen! (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞
It used to be Charmander but things tended to get heated. This new guy seems to have cooled things off
He lost interest in her
He didn't want to foursome.
If you want credit go to Helen Waite
The saleswoman says, "For you? A candelabra."
Being a US national, I wasn’t allowed to use the self Czech out.
This is really getting out of hand
I bet that it looks good on Zidane's floor.
Dad goes, "I just moved the potato and there it was!"
Only if it had a B it would
I guess his story didn't check out
I said that I could, but that’s not my Forte.
He asked if I had a book of dumbass jokes.
"No, just Reddit."
"Yeah, out of a book?"
Well, swine flu
He yells "yeah my left one, my right one, and a weeKNEE!" Child giggles ensue. Instilling dad jokes at a young age. Dadding done right. (:
Because he liked comic strips
“You’ve found your man,” I responded, “whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”
I said, “What happened to ‘all-you-can-eat for $15?’”
The manager said, “That is all you can eat for $15 dollars.”
It was inn-appropriate.
Queue me enthusiastically from my desk, “so what you’re saying is, you saw’ved all their problems?!”
They hate my humor.
Me: (tightening my black belt) I don’t know but he must be pretty strong.
He couldn't zeal the deal.
I said "I know that, but I have a family."
I want to dye!
She was checking me out.
She said, "Speaking...?"
I said, "English."
I was working the closing shift at a retail store where every associate carries a walkie. Before closing time, a manager will generally ask which departments need help zoning (cleaning, facing merchandise, etc) and the associates will help the other departments. The other night:
Manager: -kssht- How are we on the floor?
Me:- kssht- Gravity.
He didn't wanna taco' bout it.
Me: "where is the nearest Argos?" Man.: "i don't know, should be easy to find though just look for the tall ship"
Me: "what? Tall ship?" Man.: "yeah! Well it is a pirates favourite shop!!"
head hits desk
Man.: smirking to himself "why do you need one anyway?" Me: slowly raises head smiling "they're doing a really great sail!"
I'm a college kid that works fast food part time to pay the bills. However, I managed to get two of my friends jobs there aswell, and our manager is pretty cool. So we have good times there and it's never quiet.
Anyway, I was bagging up an order, and my manager thought it would be funny to follow me and tell me exactly how to do everything; open the bag, put the box in the bag, receipt in the bag, blah blah blah and so on. Once I had handed out the order, she was like,
"Alright job, thanks to me".
"Oh yeah you were great. They should promote you to micromanager."
Got a good laugh out of everybody, and it will be on my life's highlight reel if I have anything to say about it
All I said was that it was really grouse.
The hotel manager replied, "sorry, I'm not a big fan."
"Nothing here gets past-your-eyes-eh-Shaun?"
He'd promote sinergy in the workplace.
I'm (M) 5 feet from the bathroom and my manager is following me in. Manager asks "what's shaking?" Reply: "Me in about a minute."
I responded "Would you say you excel at it?"
The collective groan of everyone else during the training session made it all worth it
Him: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Him: Because the "P" is silent
I was not amused
Manager was writing a list on his arm. Like on his skin
My Co worker asked him "do you want a piece of paper?"
Manager simply says "no thanks I've got my palm pilot".
My coworker didn't laugh but simply gave a blank look.
I meanwhile was overcome with laughter and glee.
I work at a pet store and our order of reptiles came in...
Me: I soaked the new guys and put em in there habitats.
Manager: how are they looking?
Me: Good but there's something about the new chameleon.. he might be a problem
Manager: Whats wrong with him?
Me: I don't trust him, he's got shifty eyes
Manager: Oh god, go get ready for the cricket shipment please.
Edit: wall of text
I think it makes him feel like a boss
Our manager inherited some land from a lady he used to take care of. He told us a new buyer offered twice as much for half the land than his current potential buyer offered for all of it.
"The plot thickens!" my co-worker remarked. I saw it. I liked it.
So as a mechanic I was able to dad joke my managers at work. Walked up to one of them and said
"Looks like she needs a belt. Someone must have told it a really good joke."
So he just goes "alright" and keeps going on with his work.
I respond with "I don't quite think you got it."
He says "What was that? Tell me again."
So I repeat myself. He says "Why is that?"
I said "Because it's all cracked up!"
He just lets out a long drawn out sigh while the other one goes "huh, that's funny."
It seems they have had Apache start to the season.
EDIT: Lack of context. UK here who knows nothing of 'handegg' (Sorry!) Replace 'football' with 'soccer'.
Cause my stomach was upset and I was stuck in the bathroom
"no worries... Shit happens"
It was a busy day we had a whole bunch baby cows born today and our calve pens are now completely full:
Me: If we get any more calves this barn is going to turn into a mad house...
Manager: Yea any more babies and it will be complete and udder madness
Went and got some food yesterday and happened to have a coupon for a free extra value meal, but the cashier needed a manager's code. It took like 3 or 4 minutes for her to come up. After she typed in the code she apologized, explaining that she was in the walk-in freezer.
As she walked away I raised my voice loud enough so she could hear me and said, "Thanks for doing that, you seem really cool."
She actually turned around and gave me a little scowly smile like, "that's not funny wait why am I smiling."
A coworker asks, "I'm swamped with work this week— what if I can't get around to it?"
Cutting my manager off I say, "You'll be sleeping with the phishers, see?"
[five second pause—queue collective groan]
She came in after a meeting today and had a Starbucks Coffee. We all asked why she didn't get us anything and she told us, "I meet my husband for coffee after the meeting and then came here" To which I replied, "you just met him now? I thought you've been married for 20 years"
Multiple face palms
So I got a new job through one of my good friends, and while working with him I shook hands with my boss Chad, awesome guy. As we were making small talk I was stuttering a bit, and my good friend, Neil, loves messing with me about it.
Me: Yeah, that sounds g-g-great
Neil: T-T-TODAY JUNIOR, jeez can your mouth ever talk straight?
Chad: Hey it's legal now so if his mouth wants that, it's none of my business and more power to him.
Me: But my mouth is bi
Me: Bi my nose
Chad laughed hard, this will be a great job. More dad jokes to come, I'm sure
...you could print a story with the title Helms helms helms flick.
Him: "Ask what's-his-name to do it."
Him: "Argh, his name is on the tip of my tongue."
Me (leaning in, looking at his mouth): "I don't see anything."
I said "no, I've already got two"
We are in the process of remodeling the store I work at. Co-worker: The walls need another coat of paint... Manager: I don't think they do, maybe just a jacket. The rest of us: Groans
I was coming from the back with a load of bread when she stopped me and told me to put the bread down so I didn't drop it.
"Which reindeer do dinosaurs hate the most?"
I stopped for a moment and thought. It had been a long while since I've heard anyone mention Santa's reindeer by name.
"AWW! You're the first one who got it!"
This is when I realized that I spend too much time reading this subreddit. I lovehate you guys. Happy holidays!
Context: I work at an aerospace company. There are two airlines that just contacted Us for work cost estimates: Lion Air and TigerAir. Designer: "I'm swamped with this Lion Air quote, I'll have to push Tiger's to tomorrow..." Manager: "Lions, tigers, and Baers, oh my!" (Baer is a private charter airline) He stood in the corner after that as we groaned.
I explained to him that he should calm down before he lost his tamper. He explained to me that I should get back to work.
So im headed to the back talking to my manager telling him about a transaction im doing with a customer Me: Hey boss, so this lady is looking for a 4 year old camp jacket for boys and a 6-12 month onesie for boys Manager: Well sorry man, all our stuff here is new, we have nothing from 4 years ago.
I work at Speedway, and I was stocking coffee creamers, when this exchange went down;
Me: "Hey, do we have any more of that Stok creamer in the back?"
Him: "Nah, we're actually... out of Stok."
Me: "Get out."
Note: He has a 3 month-old daughter now, so I guess I should get used to it.
I work at Panera and my manager was in the back eating a slice of Gouda cheese. He says, "man, I love Gouda cheese, it's seriously the best kind of cheese there is." I proceed to turn around and hit him with "one might say it's the GOUDest cheese."
I trip over a wastebasket trying to walk past him
My manager: "You nearly kicked the bucket there!"