I took a job as the head of Old McDonald’s farm

I’m the CIEIO

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eternal_Punshine
πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head

It's awful to see someone you love mugged.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
🚨︎ report
Somebody threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at my head.

It's OK though as my injuries are only super fish oil.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 19
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with a car on his head?

Jack

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waffel-daddy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03
🚨︎ report
Why did the non-binary prospector head out West?

Because there was gold in them/their hills!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cleverusername531
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02
🚨︎ report
A mother gave birth to a boy with a defect, he only had a head.

There was no body, arms or legs to him but he was functioning normal and his parents loved him. On his 21st birthday his dad took him to a bar, bought him a beer and gave it to him to drink. Suddenly his torso grew out of his head. Around him amazed the bar started chanting β€œDrink, Drink!” His dad got a second beer and gave it to him, this time he grew arms and hands. The stunned crowd all chanted again β€œDrink, Drink” He got his third beer and drank it himself with his new hands, suddenly legs and feet grew. The crowd applauded and cheered. The son couldn’t believe it and started to run. He ran around in circles and then out of the bar. Unfortunately he ran into the road, got hit by a truck and was killed instantly. The barman looked at his dad, sighed and said β€œHe should have quit while he was a head”

πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-E-Droflah
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
🚨︎ report
A pirate walked into a bar with a roll of paper towels on his head...

So, I asked him: What’s up with the paper towels?

The Pirate said: Aarrr, I have a Bounty on my head

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
My wife told me she would bang my head off the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

I don't believe heryhhxfukklo8764eh89kg4ghi9hde3yhoonib7v6c5x4xv9n8vx4&6c79b9n

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theskyguyuk
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
After a bad diy project, a load of books fell on my head.

I have only my shelf to blame.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExtraSure
πŸ“…︎ May 11
🚨︎ report
I was reading the history of the French Revolution, and just found out what happened to Louis XVI β€˜s head.

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
My son's math's teacher was away so the head of school had to step in and take her place.

It's the principal that counts.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GameDesignerMan
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
The other day a bunch of books fell down on my head.

I guess I only have my shelve to blame!

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
🚨︎ report
I like to wear a canoe on my head like it's a hat

Works best if it's capsized

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
My wife hit me on the head with a bottle of Concentrated Omega-3 capsules this morning.

I'm okay though.....it was just a super fish oil wound.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeahmaybe2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
🚨︎ report
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My partner and I watched Interstellar last night. She said the movie was over her head.

I replied, "Of course it's over your head! It's in space!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
I offered to carpool with the security guy this week but I totally forgot to pick him up this morning. When he got to work later her was furious and punched me in the back of the head.

It’s my own fault, I’ll never let my guard down again.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eternal_Punshine
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the magician fit his top hat on his head?

Because his hare was too big.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrayWolf85
πŸ“…︎ May 18
🚨︎ report
I asked a pianist why he was banging the side of his head against the keys.

He told me he was playing by ear.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BellaLugosisChips
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
I got my head stuck in my trombone and asked my friend for help.

I couldn't hear his reply but his words resonated with me

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrabApprehensive
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
A person with no head or neck...

...is not capeable.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
🚨︎ report
What did one Potato Head ask the other Potato Head what was for dinner tonight

One said, β€œyour lookin at it!!” πŸ’€

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jen_Klen
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, "Hey, what's with the paper towel?"

The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cryingstlfan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a camel with two heads and one hump!

It was a palindromedary

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaleoGamer
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
If you have two heads, that's both an odd and even number
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iron_Eagl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a gymnast jaguar, and a meth-head mountain lion?

One is an acrobatic cat.

The other is a broke, addict cat.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadrantbiz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
🚨︎ report
What happens when a Hogwarts student runs a marathon then trips and hits their head...

They get a Hufflelump

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rysefin
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
What do you call a two weed-heads buying fruit?

An edible arrangement.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devdevo1919
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
But keep a level head
πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shutupandrow425
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22
🚨︎ report
How to tell which end of a worm is the head?

You tickle it. The end that laughs is the head.

Credit: My 7y.o nephew

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redzzdelady
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20
🚨︎ report
did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a soda can?

he was lucky it was a soft drink

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chickenman2359
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13
🚨︎ report
One meth head asks another, β€œsooo... are we dating?”

The other responds, β€œno I thought we were just mething around.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ihob21
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
🚨︎ report
A new variant of head lice has appeared and they are resistant to conventional treatments.

This has left scientists scratching their heads l

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13
🚨︎ report
I threw a Duracell at someone's head the other day and it cracked his skull

I was arrested and charged with battery

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blueandgoldilocks
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11
🚨︎ report
I've had M.C. Hammer music in my head so much today that's it's giving me a headache. I took 2 Tylenol, but....

It can't touch this.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CognitiveNerd1701
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
🚨︎ report
Don't you hate it when a cranberries song gets stuck in your head

In your head in your heeeaaad

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 19
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant’s head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke’s son and knocked him off the battle field.

Yeah, apparently it was the first ever serf face to heir missile.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22
🚨︎ report
My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

πŸ‘︎ 520
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Yesterday, there was a battle between the Pot Heads and the straight people of society....

And today, 4 21.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrazyKurts
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
🚨︎ report
Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.

Because it’s capsized.

πŸ‘︎ 841
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
This popped in my head a few days ago. Why did the baker freak out after his latest project?

Because what he made was stolen!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrguy419
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02
🚨︎ report
I used to be a head of human resources.

But then it got too personnel.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ricerly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06
🚨︎ report
I've lost loads of weight, just by wearing bread around my head...

It's a loaf hat diet.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17
🚨︎ report
Went out in rain this morning but got hit on the head with a car part.

It was raining Datsun Cogs.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EastlyGod1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07
🚨︎ report
Why did the CPU head up half an orchestra?

Because it's a semiconductor.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23
🚨︎ report
Why did the non-binary prospectors head west?

Because there was gold in them/their hills

πŸ‘︎ 786
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thetophatjester
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
🚨︎ report
I got hit in the head with a can of soda.

Luckily, it was a soft drink.

πŸ‘︎ 455
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bovinecrusader
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report

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