"Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today."
“I must have taken Lief off my census”.
They were just following the chicken!
What the hell did Pete Townshend do?!?
"I like your new Jeep, but it's broken." I look at him confused. "It's in the parking lot pointing west. Shouldn't Compasses always point north?"
The chief yells, “what the hell are you guys doing”. The first fireman replies, “when I walked in he was out cold from the smoke”. The chief replies, “why didn’t you try mouth to mouth?” The second fireman looks back and yells, “how do you think this started?”
After a long and arduous hike, Attle is tired. "How much longer dad? Are you sure its is this way?"
"Son, trust me! Now stay close to me ok!"
Finally, Battle reaches a good viewpoint, and spots an island in the distance.
He excitedly yells: "Attle! Come on, hurry up, I think I found it".
Attle catches up to his dad. "Where is it?"
Battle points to the island, and says "Seattle"!
José and Hose-B
It's because they're a one-Tyreek pony.
Hose A, and Hose B.
Jose and Hose B
Jose and Hose-B
Source: "Everybody Loves Raymond"
Hose A and Hose B
Backstory: I'm in the Navy and my chief needed a ride to pick up his car from the shop. First he needed to make a quick stop at the bank so he can pay for his car, though.
As he jumped out to head into the bank he said, "I'll be back" but said it like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
To which I replied, "Why not Mozart?"
Tl;dr My chief hates me now.
I grew up in colorado and once we drove by a caution sign that read "falling rock" and my dad told us that chief falling rock was an native american chief and would attack cars with a club. The signs were there to mark the places he had attacked. Believed it for years.
When I helped him out in the shop:
Me: I think I put that bolt in the wrong hole.
Dad: Did it slap you?
Dad: Well, if it didn't slap you, then it wasn't in the wrong hole!
Bonus dad joke:
Me: What's for dinner?
Dad: Something with food in it.
(Every single night)