Why did the Secretary of Defense and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff cross the road?

They were just following the chicken!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11
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I was going to leave everything to my 2 sons when I die, but one son got arrested for a murderous rampage and the other left his wife and kids for his hot secretary...

It was a bad heir day!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
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The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today... She wrote it on a sticky note
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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What does the foreign secretary keep in front of his door?

A diplomat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sandy-bridge
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
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If someone writes a biography about American Defense Secretary Jim Mattis they should call it...

Life in General

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yellow_Forklift
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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Breakfast, brought to you by the 7th Secretary General of the United Nations.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ukuleleemusic
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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With the help of a young secretary,

Bill Clinton came two terms with the presidency.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiteWalterBlack
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
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How come there hasn't been a secretary astronaut? I mean why not? they're hitting space often enough.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/intangibleJay
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2018
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I just made my secretary audibly groan.

She came into my office with a box of highlighters for me and as a dad, I felt compelled to say "thanks, this will be the highlight of my day"

She sighed, groaned, and left, questioning her life choice to work here. :(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToonaTheCat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2017
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Who is Matthew McConaughey's favorite Secretary of State?

Madeleine Albright, Albright, Albright.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Herr_Poopypants
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2018
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Are secretary’s given this title because they can keep the first six letters of it?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Robbiepurser
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2018
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Why did the secretary get fired from the clock factory?

He kept taking all the minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2018
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My secretary was carrying a lamp into the office today....

I offered to help her, but she said she was fine.

It was light.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dedtired
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2017
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Dadjoked a secretary

I was trying to reach a guy with the last name Yip. When I called the front desk, I asked for him, and it went like:

Me: Mr. Yip, please
Her: Ok, Y-I-P?
Me: I don't know, why do you?
Her: ....huh?
Me: Yes, Y-I-P.
Her: Transferring...

I was amused, at least.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2014
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Sadly, my secretary has developed a fairly serious wheat allergy...

[dictated but not bread]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bikari
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2015
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My dad just "dad joked" my school secretary so hard.

So I was going to go home sick and they need to talk to a parent to make sure it's ok(even though I'm 18 which is dumb.) so I get my dad on the phone and here's what happened.

Secretary: "hello this is dad?"

My dad: "Hi dad this is Joe."

Me and the secretary died laughing and I had to assure her that my dad isn't usually that dumb.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ABomblessArab
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2015
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Secretary yelled at my mom & dad, hit her with this gem

Before I was born my parents lived in Philadelphia. My mom was about 7 months along when they were referred by a friend of a friend to this pediatrician who was top notch. They were on their way for the first visit to the new doctors and they were running late. They walked into a crowded waiting room and went to the front glass and checked in. The secretary started yelling at my mother and father saying this is Dr. so and so, he is a top class physician, people wait years to get on his waiting list, AND YOU'RE LATE!

And my father goes "OF COURSE SHES LATE THATS HOW YOU END UP AT A PEDIATRICIAN'S OFFICE!"

Even the secretary cracked a smile as everyone else groaned and laughed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Honeydipper_Dan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
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People say Robert Mugabe was an awful dictator but

I was his secretary for a short while and I understood every word.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGinuineOne
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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Just yellow please

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrotalusHorridus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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I asked a soldier what his rank was.

Him: "It's private."
Me: "No, it's okay, you can tell me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeping_pegasus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2015
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I've legitimately practiced for this one. I'm so glad I was prepared when it happened.

I'm a teacher, and due to recent storms we've had a few short-lived blackouts.

Today in class the electricity was being fixed by the company and they had to shut the lights off for a few minutes.

Secretary (comes in the room): were there any problems with the lights off?

Me (I've got this, I'm ready!): No, we were delighted.

The secretary left, paused outside and then came back in with the worst glare possible. Yes!!!

Thank you guys, I was prepared.

Edit: Front page!!! Awesome! This is the highlight of my day! Keep your puns coming, I love them all (and I'm secretly practicing them for the proper opportunity).

Thank you so much /user/x9x9x9x9x9 for the gold! It made everything that much better.

Keep your puns coming you guys (especially teachers!).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sal6a
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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I was advised to post these here. I apologize in advance.

What did members of the Politburo wear to keep cool in the summer?

A: Lenin suits

What did the Soviet General Secretary say when he slipped and fell on ice in front of the Kremlin?

A: That'll leave a Marx!

What did the Commissar say to the workers on the collective farm when they slacked off?

A: Stop Stalin and get to work!

What did the Chinese President say when he stubbed his toe?

A: Mao! That hurts!

An officer in the Iranian army is talking to a subordinate.

The officer says, "Private, I think it's gonna rain."

The private says, "You think so, sir? The sky is completely clear and the sun is shining."

20 minutes later it starts to rain, a total deluge ensues.

The private says, "That was an amazing prediction, sir!. It did rain!"

The officer looks at the private, pats him on the shoulder and says, "Private, Ayatollah you so."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crookedletter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
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Who's going to be in charge of Trumps border wall?

The Secretary of da' Fence!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chef_psychonaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2017
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I dad joked my co-workers

I work at a catholic hospital and they were handing out a book called "Bless You". I asked if it was a hospital guide to sneezing one secretary laughed and everyone else groaned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ianrab
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2014
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I was sitting at lunch with my grandfather, talking about Hillary Clinton

My mom, my grandfather, and I were walking about how powerful the Clinton political structure is, and how she was the Secretary of State for a few years.

Then, my grandfather pipes up and says: "Don't you mean she was the Secretary of Mistake?"

-_-

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MississippianFoxx
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2016
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Like a demonic possession, this joke took a hold of me this morning and would not let go. I'm sorry.

The CIA had changed its recruiting practices, what with all the recent leaks and other problems. So Mr. Johnson was more than a little surprised to see a pine tree, which was dressed in a rather nice suit, waiting outside his office when he arrived at 9 am. He asked his secretary, "Gladys, who is this?"

"Mr. Johnson, this is Mr. Cone, our newest hire. He wanted to talk with you about the Honduras assignment."

Mr. Johnson spoke to Mr. Cone in his office. His new pine tree colleague was very knowledgeable and well-spoken, but there was something about him that threw Mr. Johnson off. He tried to dismiss his concerns as imaginary, but it gnawed at him all through the morning. He barely touched his lunch, as some of the things Mr. Cone had said were still swirling around and around in his mind. He was sure something was wrong, so he went in to see the head of their office branch, Mr. Smith.

"Johnson! Come right in, come right in," said Mr. Smith, puffing on a cigar. Mr. Johnson poured hi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Larny-Arny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2014
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Classic dad joke with fatherly undertones

I was at my dad's office doing some filing for him.

His secretary says, "Here, I have a job for you."

I respond, "Oh, what's that?"

My dad says from the back office, "It's this thing people do to earn money for themselves."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yikeys
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2014
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Police joked my boss

Boss is up on a ladder looking in the ceiling panels and calls the police chief over. Boss- "Hey I need someone above me to look at this." Chief "well who else is up there?" The secretary and I both started laughing hysterically.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rodeoslacker
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2014
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