A burglar broke into my house and I pushed my bookcase on top of him.

It was shelf defense.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kylejay915
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24
🚨︎ report
Top Post
πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Miss_man
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I've just made a list of the top 10 dad jokes I know. The first 9 are alright but the last one is absoutely briliant.
  1. alright
  2. alright
  3. alright
  4. alright
  5. alright
  6. alright
  7. alright
  8. alright
  9. alright
  10. absoutely briliant
πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Skycam3014
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
🚨︎ report
A Shovel passed flying school top of his class

He is a real Ace of Spades

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Team_Pineapple
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30
🚨︎ report
From my 10-year-old: "Daddy, what has it's bottom at the top?"

"I don't know, bud, what?"

"Your legs."

Well done, kid.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Papagayo_blanco
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
You know what tops a plain pizza?

Nothing!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/winnt7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24
🚨︎ report
I enjoyed hiking up mountains, until I arrived at the top.

From there, it's all downhill.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...

Must dash.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30
🚨︎ report
I couldn't make it to the top of the tower in Paris...

I fell .

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
🚨︎ report
What’s the top streaming service in Russia?

Nyet flix

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thorazine222
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
What does Carrot Top wear to the beach?

Carrot Bottoms

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jvanzandd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24
🚨︎ report
As we were at the top of the Eiffel Tower watching a beautiful sunset, I got down on one knee and said, β€œHoney?”

She gasped audibly and said, β€œYeah?”

I said, β€œHelp! My knee is made of magnets!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
I am a proud dad today - my son ask me what this Indian bread on top of the fridge is for

I told him it’s Naan of his business

Edit: he could have replied β€œpapa dumb”

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PLUMBUM2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs

Number 3 will shock you

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LinkRar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Top Dad Jokes list, some of the best ones:

One, ein, un, bat, ekab, moja, wahed, odin, yski

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ice-_-Bear
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
If your in the bottom bunk of a bunk bed and someone's asleep in the top bunk,

Does that mean you're under a rest?

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Br4ve_He4rt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
After a long hike to the top of a mountain, my wife asked me, β€œSo what do you think of The View?”

I said, β€œWhoopi Goldberg is ok, but I don’t like the other women on the show.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
what did the depressed water park attendant think of at the top of a high rise building?

I wanna commit suislide

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GLIZZYGOD999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.

The view was not worth the trip.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_Think_Naught
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know the top 15 states to live in?

Alaska, Washington, Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, & Maine

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ttynny20
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Crop top
πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PapaCooki
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Sad to report the death of the founder of Dulux paint. He died this morning from hypothermia on top of a mountain.

It's been reported he could have done with another coat.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend announced that he parkoured his way to the top of a pub, but nobody cared.

After all, it was a low bar to climb.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Retrohero5
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens when chickens lay eggs at the top of a hill?

Egg rolls

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know how Top a car?

You tep on da bwake tupid!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Irishlamb
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a blind woman say when she gets to the top of the Space Needle?

Nothing, cause she can't Seattle.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the farmer afraid to rescue the cow from on top of the barn?

The steaks were too high.

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mrunibrowman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Trump's top aides have Coronavirus

It would appear he has a staff infection

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WellWrested
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Top places to get a bunch of doves
  1. Bird store
  2. Magicians warehouse
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nottedy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighbors… One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacks… Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says β€œMy wife’s an angel

I said, β€œyou’re lucky – mine is still alive…”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Whats green has 6 legs and if it fell out of a tree on top of you it would kill you.

A snooker table!

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
When I dropped my top-of-the-line Microsoft laptop on the asphalt, I figured it was ruined

Turns out I had barely scratched the Surface.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman starting a hike at the Grand Canyon asked me how the trail was as I reached the top

I said β€œit’s all downhill from here!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ATexanHobbit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend tried opening up a driving range to compete with Top Golf.

Not sure if he pulled it off but I know it took a lot of balls to do it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/greg_zielinski
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
There is always something going wrong on the top floor of my house.

Id say its a problem-attic

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iamchrisp
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Say what you want about carrot top, but fact of the matter is he’s out there making a living as a comedian

You gotta give him props for that

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jvilly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems

But the beach ain't one

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the top secret bakery?

It's on a knead to dough basis

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I bet a butcher $20 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf...

He said "Sorry man. The steaks are too high."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FrickekingFricker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Crop Top
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eyeyamstewpig
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
top notch science puns
πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/socksgrowonbushes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I pack a soda in my bag everyday but it HAS to be on top.

Wouldn’t want it to get flat.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cris0613
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A boy loves eating his bread with lemon squirted on top

One day, his dad comes across him eating like this and says, "That do be sourdough"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/InfiniteProximity
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What has a bottom on the top ?

Your legs.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
Nothing tops...

a plain pizza.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you top a car?

Tep on da bwake tupid!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you top a car?

Tep on the brake, tupid!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Long-Afternoon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What has a bottom at the top?

Your legs.

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report

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