The coronavirus will probably be the closest thing to a crown that Prince Charles will ever get.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ak171
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25
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Do you know Jesus? Long hair, crown of thorns, died for our sins?

That description nails him to a t

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JezyJezyJezy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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My triple pun Halloween costume deserves the triple crown.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DinosaurLegs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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My wife had two crowns put on her teeth yesterday. She was complaining about the pain and the dentist gave her some medication for it. We are talking later and she said that she waited too long between the first and second pill and her teeth started to ache again. I asked her what time that was.

She said she didn't remember.

I asked her if it was around tooth hurty!

She got mad and hit me in the arm and stopped talking to me for a while.

Totally worth it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackdragon8577
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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β€œHey Dad, why does Jesus wear a crown of thorns in every picture?”

β€œNo idea. That’s a real head-scratcher.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
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β€œI can actually say I got a crown on my birthday!”
  • my dad, just before going to the dentist on his birthday.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Inconsistentme
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
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My dentist informed me today that I need a crown…

Finally! Someone who understands me!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2017
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A Triple Crown Winner?

Affirmed!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Why does the Queen let Netflix use her likeness in "The Crown"?

She probably gets royalties

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xxtenetzxx
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2017
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What do you call the rabbit next in line to the crown?

The hare-apparent

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogerOnTesting
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2016
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*Puts a burger king crown on the gaming console*

Look, now it's the Royal Wii.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sharra_Blackfire
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2013
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Just got dad joked about Crown Royal Apple Whiskey

There was a commercial for Crown Royal's new Apple whiskey and I said to my dad, "that looks like it'd be pretty good." He responds with, "Yeah, it'd be worth a shot." I groaned so loud

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πŸ‘€︎ u/k_pressley
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2014
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Dad, how did you know American Pharoah was going to win the Triple Crown?

I studied the Gallup Polls

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whiplash1911
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2015
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My dad got me with this one, easily the crown of his week.

So I love orange juice, but I hate how it tastes after having brushed my teeth. So I asked my dad, "Do you know how I can drink orange juice after brushing my teeth?" And since he knows a few good home remedies like that, he says sure, and to follow him to the bathroom.

He has me brush, and as I'm doing that, he explains how the toothpaste does what it does, the chemicals involved, so forth. He then takes me to the kitchen and pours me a glass of orange juice, beginning to explain why the two react and such, and says, "here, see for yourself. " So I take a drink, and of course, its disgusting, and I spit it out.

"And THAT is how you drink orange juice after brushing your teeth."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pubbawubba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2014
🚨︎ report
they called him the king of the dentists

because he specialized in crowns

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πŸ‘€︎ u/funnybert
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11
🚨︎ report
Prince Charles got the COVID-19

Finally he got his crown

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Usual-Buddy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25
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All these deadly viruses we should be worried about, but when it comes to media attention...

... corona takes the crown

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
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Why did the Queen go to the dentist?

She broke her crown.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19
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My crowning glory

Years ago, my Aunt Ann ate a couple of hot dogs at the county fair, and afterward experienced some... digestive difficulties. I declared it The Diarrhea of Ann's Franks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/President_Calhoun
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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What is your crowning achievement?

My crowning achievement is when I swallowed a trophy and couldn't poop it out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SimpleFlips
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2016
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Did you know the queen has a vape pen?

She calls it her crown Juul.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pelinets_fan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
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Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?

Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/surgicalfunnel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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My dad's crowning moment

driving down I-75 when we passed fire trucks outside of an urban active gym

Mom: Look at all of those fire trucks!

Dad: wow, they must really be burning those calories!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/r2deetard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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Throne of Games
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NameslessDude
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
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My dad's crowning moment...

About twelve years ago, when I was little and my dad had a mustache:

Me: Daddy? What is it like to have a mustache? Dad: Go ask your mother.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GlassOrchid
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
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What do tou call a dentist who's testifying in court

A crown witness

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aceman2221
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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While my wife was in labor, I told her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she wasn't amused…

It must have been the delivery…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
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Question about broccoli in divorce

If you got divorced because of a broccoli argument (long story) and a month after the divorce you notice your ex in the supermarket, and she has a produce bag full of broccoli crowns in her shopping cart, and you sneak up while she's not looking and swap the bag of crowns for a bag of stalks, can you be charged with stalking?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aiaor
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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My chickens had a sudden change of leadership

Someone took the first leader's crown. I've heard complaints that he was winging every decision, running around like a headless chicken. He was probably too cocky to plan for coop attempts.

More on this as I find out information.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoruscareGames
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Is it that obvious?

I found my feather headdress but it's getting worn out: I have a patchy Apache crown

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noahep22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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A dentist pulled out my tooth without meaning to

It was accidental.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trollachot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2012
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I can understand why Jesus was crucified.

But the Crown of Thornsβ€”- that’s a head scratcher.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the Queen visit the dentist?

To be crowned

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πŸ‘€︎ u/littlelaurelleaf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2018
🚨︎ report
How are a coronation and child birth similar?

They are both crowning achievements.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordofspork
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2018
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I thought my birth was my mother's greatest achievement.

Turns out it was just her crowning achievement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordofspork
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2017
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An old favorite

King Broderick was in trouble. He wasn't a very good king, and his brother Argyle was gathering forces to depose him and take the crown. In desperation, he captured Count Petrie, a very popular man who was one of his brother's cronies, and tortured him to learn his brother's location.

But the count wouldn't divulge the information, so the King scheduled a public execution. The crowds gathered, including the King's brother, who was there in disguise. The Count was forced to kneel, with his head on the chopping block. The headsman stood nearby, holding his axe at the ready. King Broderick loudly proclaimed "Count, you are here before me because you have aligned yourself with my brother. If you tell me where he is, I will allow you to live out your days in my dungeon. Remain silent, and you will die." The Count remained silent. King Broderick motioned to the headsman, who slowly raised his axe and swung it down...THUNK...into the wood next to the Count's head. The Count star

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nyarlathotep4King
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Village Idiot Puns

Way back when I was a kid, for my school's Renaissance Faire-esque fundraiser, I went around wearing a sign that read "Vilage Idiot". When guests asked why, I'd reply, "I wasn't always the village idiot...

  • β€œI used to be a tailor... but it didn't quite suit me... It was only a so-so job.”
  • β€œI once was a lumberjack... but I couldn't hack it... so they gave me the axe.”
  • β€œI was a fisherman too... I just couldn't live off my net income.”
  • β€œI thought about being a witch for a spell.”
  • β€œI tried being a chef... but I just didn't have enough thyme for it.”
  • β€œI was a musician once... but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy.”
  • β€œFor awhile I was a doctor... but I didn't have the patience to keep it up.”
  • β€œI once was a accountant... but I lost interest. The job was too taxing.”
  • β€œI tried moonlighting as a nun... but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego... or my bad habits.”
  • β€œMore recently, I was a baker... but I couldn't make enough dough at it... Guess I wasn't bred for the j
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ason42
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2016
🚨︎ report
Took my daughter to her first dentist appointment.

She is a very typical girly-girl -- loves princesses and pink stuff. The dentist says "Let's see those pretty princess teeth!" to which my natural response was "I hope none of them need a crown!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohenry78
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2015
🚨︎ report
3 spears of asparagus.....

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, "I got this!" and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind.

The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and BAM gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His 2 friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital.

After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears.

"well, I have good news and I have bad news." he said.

"The good news is your friend is going to live."

"The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StingsLikeBitch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2016
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My wife is having our baby boy right now.

He's our crowning achievement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/melatonin17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2015
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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What's a dentist's favorite hymn?

Crown Him With Many Crowns

(credit to my dad for his amazing sense of humor and terrible dental hygiene)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mandjari
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2016
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The Tale of Hobbin & Noggin

One day a farmer's mare birthed two foals. One was named Hobbin, and the other Noggin. The two horses grew up and loved to race each other. One day the farmer noticed the two racing each other around the pasture and thought to himself, "Wow! These horses are quick!" So the next day he entered them into a local derby. As the race was about to start, the horses were rearing and snorting to get let out of the gate. As soon as the gates swung open, both horses immediately bolted to the front of the race as the announcer was going wild, "It's Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, and Hobbin wins by a nose!" Excited by the win, the farmer then enters them into the Kentucky Derby. Once again, as soon as the gates open, both horses fly to the front of the race and it's Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin and again, Hobbin wins by a nose. This continues in every race until Hobbin has won the Triple Crown. By this point the farmer is be

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Umkazto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2013
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Wife's tooth fell out

Wife texted me while I was at work

Wife: My tooth fell out. I have to get a crown

Me: I think a tiara would be much better for you

She laugh groaned and the dentist heard her and asked what. So my wife told her and she laugh groaned also.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nolehusker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2014
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Girlfriend just got me.

I was at the dentist office for a morning appointment, just got home and my girlfriend said this:

"Why did you go in the morning? Why not tooth-hurty?"

"I should get a plaque for that, or maybe a crown."

This one is a keeper.

edit: grammar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gari109
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2015
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I got dadjoked by my Spanish class this morning.

So, I teach Spanish at a small liberal arts college in the Carolinas. This morning my basic Spanish class was going over a reading comprehension exercise about a clothing store called "Corona." Corona means 'crown' in English. The ad had all kinds of words dealing with royalty, kings, and so on in it, and I wanted to go over the double meanings. So, to start, I asked them, "ΒΏCΓ³mo se dice 'corona' en inglΓ©s?" To a student, they all answered, "Beer."

I groaned and dismissed them five minutes early so I could laugh without them seeing me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2014
🚨︎ report
The DadOff!

Who is the greatest dad? Who can make people let out the biggest groan? Dads and mothers (and weird uncles), welcome to the DadOff!

Rules:

  1. Each dad describes an experience with a dad joke in one sentence only. If you need a second sentence it MUST be the punchline! Make it short so dads can go through a lot of comments.

  2. In your reply, try to out-dad the previous dad with a dandier joke. If the brilliance of your opponent has crushed you completely, you can forfeit by replying "Youre the Daddy".

  3. The fight can continue as long as its punny.

  4. At the end of a fight, i will count the karma for each comment and the dad with the most karma wins a groan point.

  5. Mostly the fight is between two dads, though a third dad can come in if he has a line he just GOTTA say. Bear in mind though, that unless your reply is brilliant, you will have lower chances of winning (because they started sooner).

At the end of each day, i will count the karma and edit the post to announce todays

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigBootyBear
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2015
🚨︎ report
My first dad joke

...actually happened in the moments before I became a dad, while my wife was in the throes of labor. As our daughter began to crown, the doctor presented a large mirror and asked my wife, exhausted from 2 hours of pushing, if she would like to see the baby's head, to which I replied, "No, she wants to see the baby's feet."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/K1CKPUNCH3R
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad got checked into the hospital for surgery today.

The nurse began getting my dad's medical history. This is a small excerpt from the middle of the history. Nurse: "Do you have any implants or anything we should know about?" Dad: "The dentist put in a crown last week." Nurse: "Where is the crown?" Dad: "In my mouth!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/minkyhead95
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2014
🚨︎ report
I made to the bathroom before I crapped myself..

... it was my crowning achievement.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2015
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I admit defeat to her dadjoke skills

We decided to give beer necklaces to my friends who are graduating, when she said,

"We can write, 'BUD, you're WEISER'". I could do nothing but admit defeat and give her the dadjoke crown...for now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YearRoundLurker
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2014
🚨︎ report
Granddadjoke, I hope these work here.

I'm a waiter. I had three people sitting at my table. Two middle aged adults and their father. The two adults ordered Ice Teas and the father ordered a crown and seven up. As I was placing down his drink he said, "...and I'm the designated driver." I laughed but the other two just groaned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvl6charmander
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2014
🚨︎ report
My 13 year old brother dropped this one the other day

So my little bro (13), my best friend (23), and I (23) all play the video game Monster Hunter together. My brother is working on a new set of armor in it and said this to me: "I think I'm going to make the helm for this armor set last and have it be like the crowning achievement". So me (being a new dad) look him dead in the eyes and just burst out laughing at how amazing that was. He didn't even realize he had made a stellar dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JB_Scoopz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2013
🚨︎ report

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