That description nails him to a t
She said she didn't remember.
I asked her if it was around tooth hurty!
She got mad and hit me in the arm and stopped talking to me for a while.
Totally worth it.
“No idea. That’s a real head-scratcher.”
Finally! Someone who understands me!
She probably gets royalties
Look, now it's the Royal Wii.
There was a commercial for Crown Royal's new Apple whiskey and I said to my dad, "that looks like it'd be pretty good." He responds with, "Yeah, it'd be worth a shot." I groaned so loud
I studied the Gallup Polls
So I love orange juice, but I hate how it tastes after having brushed my teeth. So I asked my dad, "Do you know how I can drink orange juice after brushing my teeth?" And since he knows a few good home remedies like that, he says sure, and to follow him to the bathroom.
He has me brush, and as I'm doing that, he explains how the toothpaste does what it does, the chemicals involved, so forth. He then takes me to the kitchen and pours me a glass of orange juice, beginning to explain why the two react and such, and says, "here, see for yourself. " So I take a drink, and of course, its disgusting, and I spit it out.
"And THAT is how you drink orange juice after brushing your teeth."
Because he wasn't the true hare to the throne
because he specialized in crowns
... corona takes the crown
Years ago, my Aunt Ann ate a couple of hot dogs at the county fair, and afterward experienced some... digestive difficulties. I declared it The Diarrhea of Ann's Franks.
My crowning achievement is when I swallowed a trophy and couldn't poop it out.
She calls it her crown Juul.
driving down I-75 when we passed fire trucks outside of an urban active gym
Mom: Look at all of those fire trucks!
Dad: wow, they must really be burning those calories!
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
About twelve years ago, when I was little and my dad had a mustache:
Me: Daddy? What is it like to have a mustache? Dad: Go ask your mother.
It must have been the delivery…
A crown witness
If you got divorced because of a broccoli argument (long story) and a month after the divorce you notice your ex in the supermarket, and she has a produce bag full of broccoli crowns in her shopping cart, and you sneak up while she's not looking and swap the bag of crowns for a bag of stalks, can you be charged with stalking?
Someone took the first leader's crown. I've heard complaints that he was winging every decision, running around like a headless chicken. He was probably too cocky to plan for coop attempts.
More on this as I find out information.
I found my feather headdress but it's getting worn out: I have a patchy Apache crown
It was accidental.
But the Crown of Thorns—- that’s a head scratcher.
To be crowned
They are both crowning achievements.
Turns out it was just her crowning achievement.
King Broderick was in trouble. He wasn't a very good king, and his brother Argyle was gathering forces to depose him and take the crown. In desperation, he captured Count Petrie, a very popular man who was one of his brother's cronies, and tortured him to learn his brother's location.
But the count wouldn't divulge the information, so the King scheduled a public execution. The crowds gathered, including the King's brother, who was there in disguise. The Count was forced to kneel, with his head on the chopping block. The headsman stood nearby, holding his axe at the ready. King Broderick loudly proclaimed "Count, you are here before me because you have aligned yourself with my brother. If you tell me where he is, I will allow you to live out your days in my dungeon. Remain silent, and you will die." The Count remained silent. King Broderick motioned to the headsman, who slowly raised his axe and swung it down...THUNK...into the wood next to the Count's head. The Count star... keep reading on reddit ➡
Way back when I was a kid, for my school's Renaissance Faire-esque fundraiser, I went around wearing a sign that read "Vilage Idiot". When guests asked why, I'd reply, "I wasn't always the village idiot...
She is a very typical girly-girl -- loves princesses and pink stuff. The dentist says "Let's see those pretty princess teeth!" to which my natural response was "I hope none of them need a crown!"
He's our crowning achievement.
3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"
He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.
The second asparagus says, "I got this!" and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind.
The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and BAM gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His 2 friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital.
After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears.
"well, I have good news and I have bad news." he said.
"The good news is your friend is going to live."
"The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of... keep reading on reddit ➡
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
Crown Him With Many Crowns
(credit to my dad for his amazing sense of humor and terrible dental hygiene)
One day a farmer's mare birthed two foals. One was named Hobbin, and the other Noggin. The two horses grew up and loved to race each other. One day the farmer noticed the two racing each other around the pasture and thought to himself, "Wow! These horses are quick!" So the next day he entered them into a local derby. As the race was about to start, the horses were rearing and snorting to get let out of the gate. As soon as the gates swung open, both horses immediately bolted to the front of the race as the announcer was going wild, "It's Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, and Hobbin wins by a nose!" Excited by the win, the farmer then enters them into the Kentucky Derby. Once again, as soon as the gates open, both horses fly to the front of the race and it's Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin and again, Hobbin wins by a nose. This continues in every race until Hobbin has won the Triple Crown. By this point the farmer is be... keep reading on reddit ➡
Wife texted me while I was at work
Wife: My tooth fell out. I have to get a crown
Me: I think a tiara would be much better for you
She laugh groaned and the dentist heard her and asked what. So my wife told her and she laugh groaned also.
So, I teach Spanish at a small liberal arts college in the Carolinas. This morning my basic Spanish class was going over a reading comprehension exercise about a clothing store called "Corona." Corona means 'crown' in English. The ad had all kinds of words dealing with royalty, kings, and so on in it, and I wanted to go over the double meanings. So, to start, I asked them, "¿Cómo se dice 'corona' en inglés?" To a student, they all answered, "Beer."
I groaned and dismissed them five minutes early so I could laugh without them seeing me.
I was at the dentist office for a morning appointment, just got home and my girlfriend said this:
"Why did you go in the morning? Why not tooth-hurty?"
"I should get a plaque for that, or maybe a crown."
This one is a keeper.
Who is the greatest dad? Who can make people let out the biggest groan? Dads and mothers (and weird uncles), welcome to the DadOff!
Each dad describes an experience with a dad joke in one sentence only. If you need a second sentence it MUST be the punchline! Make it short so dads can go through a lot of comments.
In your reply, try to out-dad the previous dad with a dandier joke. If the brilliance of your opponent has crushed you completely, you can forfeit by replying "Youre the Daddy".
The fight can continue as long as its punny.
At the end of a fight, i will count the karma for each comment and the dad with the most karma wins a groan point.
Mostly the fight is between two dads, though a third dad can come in if he has a line he just GOTTA say. Bear in mind though, that unless your reply is brilliant, you will have lower chances of winning (because they started sooner).
At the end of each day, i will count the karma and edit the post to announce todays... keep reading on reddit ➡
...actually happened in the moments before I became a dad, while my wife was in the throes of labor. As our daughter began to crown, the doctor presented a large mirror and asked my wife, exhausted from 2 hours of pushing, if she would like to see the baby's head, to which I replied, "No, she wants to see the baby's feet."
The nurse began getting my dad's medical history. This is a small excerpt from the middle of the history. Nurse: "Do you have any implants or anything we should know about?" Dad: "The dentist put in a crown last week." Nurse: "Where is the crown?" Dad: "In my mouth!"
... it was my crowning achievement.
We decided to give beer necklaces to my friends who are graduating, when she said,
"We can write, 'BUD, you're WEISER'". I could do nothing but admit defeat and give her the dadjoke crown...for now.
So my little bro (13), my best friend (23), and I (23) all play the video game Monster Hunter together. My brother is working on a new set of armor in it and said this to me: "I think I'm going to make the helm for this armor set last and have it be like the crowning achievement". So me (being a new dad) look him dead in the eyes and just burst out laughing at how amazing that was. He didn't even realize he had made a stellar dad joke.
I'm a waiter. I had three people sitting at my table. Two middle aged adults and their father. The two adults ordered Ice Teas and the father ordered a crown and seven up. As I was placing down his drink he said, "...and I'm the designated driver." I laughed but the other two just groaned.