"be nice to your customers"
My sister walks up to me and asks: “Are you creating a pyramid scheme?”
You just pay the cover charge and they'll have you in stitches.
Then it Dawned on me.
Diarrhea is an early symptom of Coronavirus infection.
So try to loaf as long as you can.
That's a solid tip.
They were post-tit notes.
Guys, help me out here. I can't remember the name of this old action movie. Bilbo Baggins has to stop a terrorist plot and save his wife in the Nakatomi Towers. Oh, that's it.
Old Hobbits Die Hard.
All I ended up doing by the end was just screwing around.
(they should put signs on those, or something..)
Step 1: Add a bear
so you can have 2020 vision
Styx and Stones may break your phones, but the Byrds will never hurt you.
They're in the cervix industry.
I've also learned that servers have horrible balance.
I thought, that's a big step.
Dispatcher: Go ahead.
Man: Vaccinations don’t cause autism.
The entire sport is going downhill fast.
It was a bit pointless.
Once you catch a fish, it'll be hooked.
Because water decreases concentration.
I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
Whenever you’re scared, tell yourself you’re knot afraid.
They'll never let you use their microwave.
Nevermind... it's pointless.
I kneed to try this
Just take your opinion and subtract 3.14.
It's always a rip-off.
I left a restaurant about an hour ago and thought to myself "I didn't tip the waiter,Larry!!" So I had to drive all the way back. It's a long way to tip a Larry.
I circumcised elephants at the zoo.
Dad: have you tried the gate?
... then smoke is always in your eye.
Forget the past – you can't change it
Forget the present – I didn't get you one...
I asked her if we should wait for the townhouse version
Asking for a friend.
It wasn’t stroganoff...
Dispatcher: Sure. Go ahead.
Me: Flossing prevents tooth decay.
My door is always open.
I remember when I was little, I’m 40 now, my dad and I were at a concession stand at a ferry terminal, probably Edmonds-Kingston. There was a tip jar that had a sign, ‘Tips for college.’ My dad quipped, ‘Don’t go to WSU.’
Keep your eyes PEELED for banana slugs.
The stakes were too high.
Here's a tip: don't fart in a space suit.
Last night I was being demolished by a friend while playing. In the middle of the game, my dad (who’s an excellent pool player) calls me. I pick up and tell him I’m losing at pool and need a pro tip from him. He tells me:
Don’t get wet...
Every time I try to get closer he just seems a little father.
You should never run away from your problems, Unless your problem is: being chased by a bear.
Menstruation jokes are not funny. Period.
"Capitalize Q when it's at the beginning of a sentence."
Because they forgot their training wheels.
Just days after my dad made some tri-tip my family had another get together which my brother-in-law brought some ridiculously good tri-tip. Definitely blew the my dad's stuff out of the water.
Me: "I have to tell you, your tri-tip was good but Nick's (brother-in-law) is next level"
Dad: "Well that may be true but I helped him by giving him advice. In fact, I gave him three pieces of advice. Thats why they call it tri-tip!"
I've been trying to think of a Miley Cyrus joke for a while now, but i can't get it twerk.
I had cooked smoked sauasge and was chopping jalapeños and cut the tip off my finger.
He texted me while at the emergency room commenting on the sausages:
"The sausages are really good but there is something different about them and I can't quite put my finger on it"
He followed up with this when my girlfriend and I returned from the hospital:
"Elizabeth are you hungry? We have some finger sandwiches if you are."
I was visibly tired and struggling to even get through the menu when I asked for his suggestion.
Waiter: "Might I suggest the Filet Migyawn"
I returned with an immediate fist bump and thanked him for his masterpiece.
it's pretty pointless
I was doing some wood-burning/pyrography this evening, and my husband was taking a look at the tool I use...
Him: ..So you've got different tips for that?
Me: Yep! The first one is don't touch the hot part.
If there's one thing I know about baking, it's never ask a gangster to ice the cake.
I guess you could say it was....sage advice.
My dad posted this on Facebook yesterday.