Why did the non-binary prospector head out West?

Because there was gold in them/their hills!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cleverusername531
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, "Hey, what's with the paper towel?"

The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cryingstlfan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.

Because it’s capsized.

πŸ‘︎ 848
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

πŸ‘︎ 521
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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I got hit in the head with a can of soda.

Luckily, it was a soft drink.

πŸ‘︎ 451
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bovinecrusader
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Praying mantis puns got me laughing my head off
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irmuund
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
A psychotic criminal stole a train. He said the reason was the voices in the head told him to.

It was a locomotive.

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ensiform
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Went to a new local grocery store called mommas and pappas. I bought a head of lettuce but just couldn't eat it...

Because all the leaves are brown.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BamaPaul
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster?

Modern historians call it balderdash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dothemagic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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Petrol head
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PENTOVILLIANKING
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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I gots two words that will leave you all scratching your heads.

Head lice.

πŸ‘︎ 202
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gbredman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my therapist I can’t get the Grease soundtrack out of my head...

He said β€œtell me more”.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I was at the store yesterday and some dude threw a jug of milk at my head

How dairy

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-have-lysdexia
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
When that Apple hit Isaac Newton on the head, it gave him a brain embolism

It was a stroke of genius

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WalterNewton
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
A massive telescope dropped on my head yesterday....

I was seeing stars all night.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a killer who stabs people in the head?

A Cerebral Killer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CommercialButton5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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A new strain of head lice is going around which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I have 6 legs, 8 arms, and 10 heads. What am I?

A liar.

πŸ‘︎ 484
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cosh1990
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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What's six inches long, has a bald head and every woman loves?

A hundred dollar bill.

This is my dad's favorite joke.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoctorModalus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are heads so creepy?

Because they are so eary

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geb69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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Why do big-game hunters mount their lions’ heads?

To mount the other end would be a catastrophe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/friste
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I have been reading some history on the French revolution and found out what happened to Louis XVI's head

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zekesnack
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Can’t get my head around why Timpsons was closed today.

Surely they’re key workers?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kelsiermist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I put the punchline to this joke on Mr.Jackman's head.

If you don't get it, joke's on Hugh.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/digiBeLow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
One day, as I was walking home, someone threw a block of cheese at my head. I thought-

β€œThat’s not very mature!”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/quantomcatnip
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I got hit in the head by a can of Coke today.

I'm okay, it was a soft drink.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spicoli0525
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend was sad, so I asked her who my favorite singer is and then placed my head on her chest

I told her Michael Boob-lay

She wasn’t as sad anymore (or much sadder since she realized how dumb the person she’s dating is). Happy new year everybody

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drumdude92
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record...

The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.

Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.

They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.

After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.

So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swanbrother
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
There’s a Bounty on my head [X-Post: r/IndiaSocial]
πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_Killed_Reddit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A book just fell on my head

I only have my shelf to blame.

πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I just returned from my MIL's funeral, she was hit on the head during a tennis match & killed

It was a lovely service...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a bar holding a hammer over his head.

"Ladies and Gentlemen" he yells!! "This is not a drill."

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
This man has A HEAD.
πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tstaffor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
If your boat flips you can wear it on your head.

Because it capsized.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VegetarianReaper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Wanting to impress my son at the zoo today, I revealed to him, "Used to be best friends with a giraffe, but we had a falling out." Puzzled, he asked, "What happened?" I shook my head, "I don't know really, but I felt..."

"He was always looking down on me!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know that newborns have weak necks and need to have their heads supported?

Just a heads up.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iswitt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I was replaying Wind Waker recently after having binged BNHA, and the idea popped into my head.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesomecat42
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
So, are you a Phillips head or a flathead?

I’m just trying to see how you like to screw πŸ˜ŽπŸ‘‰πŸ»πŸ‘‰πŸ»

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/taylor_beebz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThaurdoI
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm sorry, I couldn't get this out of my head
πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Demon69-420
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

An Ambulance, immediately!

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Still scratching my head in confusion, trying to understand why was I thrown out of the interview room???

My answer was spot on, upon being asked to give an example on a "Business being completely ruined due to carelessness" All I said was... "A Pregnant Prostitute"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
It was funnier in my head

I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I got hit by a soda can in the head!

Luckily it was a soft drink.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report

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