Have you ever heard of selective hearing?

I haven't

(Joke from my 14 year old son)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearded_drummer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
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So, I’ve been hearing people talk about probiotics and how good they are for you. I don’t buy into it.

I guess you could say that I’m anti-biotic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emblemofthecosmos
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
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From my 11 year old daughter. Did you hear the one about the man with the broken hearing aids?

Neither has he...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thrillhouse74
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say .. 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made.'

What do they want a medal?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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What do you call it when you feel like your hearing the same song over and over again

DJ vu

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrazyKoen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, β€œCan you describe the symptoms?” I replied, "Sure..."

β€œThey’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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I am trying to convince my dad to get a new hearing aid.

But he just won’t listen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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What did the watermelon say after hearing the song?

"Man, that was so meloncholy"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xinkand
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
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A man had a fetish for touching and hearing, one day his friend got mad and slapped and yelled at the man

He ended up coming to his senses

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JK-AJ27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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After hearing about my history major, my dad said, β€œYou should go visit Italy in late August.”

..Then you can witness The Fall of Rome.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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Why should you always use hearing protection?

Because otherwise you need hearing aids

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πŸ‘€︎ u/femkuhhhh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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How long does it take to fix a hearing aid?

I submitted mine for repairs three weeks ago and I haven't heard a thing since then.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Valdagast
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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Does anyone know how long it takes to repair a hearing aid?

I sent mine away 2 weeks ago and I haven't heard anything since.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uhavethebiggay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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-Doc, I have hearing problems

-Could you describe the symptoms?

-Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Potato23860
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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Want to know how to sell a duck to someone who is hard of hearing?

YOU WANNA BUY A DUCK?!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DasHounds
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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I hope I never lose my hearing.

It would be ear replaceable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Hearing loss.

https://preview.redd.it/el0b8g5ppsd51.png?width=532&format=png&auto=webp&s=ab5dcea74bed5f718e2302d61dee111ec7fda5ee

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Criz454
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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You know you're an adult when you look at the ceiling after hearing a dad joke

Because you groan-up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zigbigidorlu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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Have you heard the joke about the guy with the broke hearing aid?

Neither did he!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sith_Lord35
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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What do you call someone with excellent hearing?

A super hearo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roy2roy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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When I first heard the proposal to rename Oklahoma City after Ohio, I was confused as to why anyone would want that. But after hearing someone explain the logic behind it, I thought to myself:

OH, OK

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πŸ‘€︎ u/loosecashews
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?"

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
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Do you remember hearing your first dad joke? Is there one that has stuck with you through the years?

Mine was about 20 years ago, I was 17 at the time and going to my gf’s sisters house for dinner with her family. We brought some things to help with dinner. As we’re walking up to the house carrying the cookware, her dad looks back and says, β€œhey, now that you’re walking the wok, can you talk the talk?”. Not sure why but I’ll never forget that. Still makes me chuckle to this day. What’s yours?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/malker84
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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Why does the author of Harry Potter always ROFL when hearing a joke?

Because she's Rowling on the floor with laughter

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oakenshield-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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I COULD tell you a top secret combination of words which result in the instant death of anyone hearing or reading them..

But then I'd have to kill you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bermobaron
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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A son talks to his bad hearing dad

Son: I just watched Harry Potter, and that girl is so cute!

Dad: Watson?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Damuotoko
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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I keep hearing Mission Control check in with Dragon Crew, asking "How do you read, over."

And I just KNOW if I were up there I would be physically unable to keep myself from responding "Dragon to Mission Control, I read with my eyes, over." I wonder how many times before they airlock me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/H_G_Bells
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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A judge is hearing a case. 'The people V. United Parcel Service' and determines that the trucks area nuisance and a danger to the town. He decides to ban all their trucks from the town and calls his ruling:

'UPS Truck Shun of Justice'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnexampledSalt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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After hearing about Tetris for so long, I decided to play.

For the first time in my life, everything is falling into place.

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πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid. β€œState of the Art,” he said, β€œIt cost me a fortune.”

I said, β€œAwesome. What type is it?”

He said, β€œ Two thirty.”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
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I'm tired of hearing people say that age is just a number

When it's clearly a word!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GioPeyo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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An old man was telling his friend about his new hearing aid, "the greatest in the world!" "You can hear a pin drop."

Friend: Wow! What kind is it?

Old man: quarter past 2.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notagoodspelller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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My doctor told me that I am losing my hearing

I haven't heard from him since

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.

Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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Yes, I'm a tailor who is a bit hard of hearing

SEW WHAT?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaldingMonk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
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We keep telling grandad to change his hearing aid

He never listens though.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
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Who says, "Bugs, you stole my hearing aids?! You're despicable!"

Deafy Duck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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I am trying to convince my dad to get a new hearing aid.

But he just won’t listen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the one about the guy who lost his hearing aids?

Neither did he

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Went to my doctor and said I was having trouble with my hearing.

He asked: β€œcan you describe the symptoms?” I said: β€œsure, they’re yellow. Marge has blue hair and Homer’s really fat”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Advaldinho
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair.

I've heard nothing since.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?"

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I please finish my sentence?!

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?

Neither did he.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/howiewu0402
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the doctor because I was having hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms ?", he asked.

I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.

Haven't heard from him since then.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToeKneeh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?

Neither did he.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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