I keep hearing bad stuff about Scientology

But i just Xenu issue with it!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GetRekt_Scrub
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 19 2014
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Would you like to hear a bad joke about blood?

*dad joke

Sorry. It was a Type O

๐Ÿ‘︎ 62
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zachpledger
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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I was anxiously waiting to hear the result of the Worst Bad Habit Awards

It was nail-biting

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/alwaysthecold
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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Did you hear about the new Batman villain who tells really bad puns?

They call him the Dad Joker

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lukeknep
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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Some puns are so bad, when I hear them I feel numb

When I hear a math pun, I feel number

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AWasayAsim
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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Did you hear about the human cannonball? Too bad he got fired!
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kickypie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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Did you hear about the movie about the bad fishermen?

It was good, but they had a bad cast

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/borknight
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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Did you hear about that really bad arsonist?

Nothing he did was lit.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lvrcerosis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Did you hear about the guy who used a racing game to get reputayion on Reddit, but it turned bad?

It was karmageddon!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bunytou
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 26 2020
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I hear that white collar prison isn't bad...

It has its pros and its cons.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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Do you wanna hear a bad cat joke?

Just kitten .

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Endodontist-1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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Typically you can hear laughter from most jokes, but beware of jokes with bad puns...

They are sigh-lent but Dadly.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FinalCaveat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?

Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 152
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/notdadbot
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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What do pirates say when they hear a really bad joke?

r/dadjokes

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nikhilbhavsar
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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The guy from dirty jobs is so talented!

In addition to his handiwork he has a really cool hidden talent. Itโ€™s almost like a superpower. With just the simplest gesture he can turn anything scalding hot. We call it the Mike Rowe wave.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DrLionbear
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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Did you hear about the Toronto Mafia Boss known for telling bad jokes?

The call him The Stand Up Canadian.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SiLifino
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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Did you hear about the jester who made a bad joke to the King?

His execution was terrible.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HazaChillzOut
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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Did you hear about the guy handing out Bayer to those who are told bad news? /r/Jokes/comments/exjm59/โ€ฆ
๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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Whatโ€™s orange with bad hair and hears โ€˜booโ€™ a lot?

A haunted pumpkin with a wig.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tupacwolverine
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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The deaf girl didnโ€™t show up to her court case yesterday

She lost her hearing.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/EyeSayAye
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?

They were in tents

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Olaffubbuffalo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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Did you hear about the surgeon who was very bad at circumcisions?

He could barely pull em off

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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Not really a joke but the other day I told my daughter "doesn't 'bad...ass' sound like a person has a problem with their ass? Like it smells of farts". Now she can't hear the term "badass" in any context without giggling.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Special_KC
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
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Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?

It went into kodiak arrest

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/stalinism91
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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Jeweler said I could buy two crucifixes for the price of one.

I was double-crossed.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/IncredDeadVipet
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Wanna hear a bad Dad joke?

A father walks in to a bank and leaves his kids there.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Cletis_gee
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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Did you hear about the bad Chinese chef?

He made Egg Foo Wrong.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 23 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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I married my wife for her looks,

but not the ones sheโ€™s been giving me lately.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/blackforgood
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Some unexpected consequences of coronavirus..

So it's been almost 3 weeks since a lockdown was triggered in the UK and there have been quite a few knock on effects.. Some good and some bad which I want to share in this post.

Firstly one of my friends lost his job. He worked as a psychic.. Never saw it coming. Its been a difficult couple of weeks and he is now considering a complete career change...considering becoming a baker of all things.. But I suppose he really kneads the dough. I suggested he focus on photography, but nothing ever developed.

Another of my friends was also made redundant. He managed to get a Skype interview for a position in Tescos within a few days. The interviewer asked him: "what is your biggest weakness?", he replied "I don't know when to quit". The interviewer said "OK, your hired". He said "I quit".

Work has been busy for me but since I can't enjoy the things I usually do I have been looking for some new things to do around the house. It's been nice have the thyme to do more cooking. I randomly started a boat building business in my garage.. Sails have gone through the roof.

In an unsettling reversal of my teenage years I am now shouting at my parents for leaving the house. I suggested they take up scrabble to keep them occupied.. Turned out to be a bad idea from the word go.

It's been great hearing about how world pollution levels have been failling. I read the story about fish now being visible in the canals in Venice.. I hope that story isnt a load of pollocks! Cod, these were eely bad. Will stop carping on now!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Pluraliseevrythings
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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BASEBALL IN HEAVEN

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hayeshilton
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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My grandfathers favorite joke:

(Works better when you say it out loud).

Do you know why it's called Staten Island?

Because when people first got there, they looked across the water and said 'S'dat-an island?'

He used to pantomime the punchline by shielding his eyes from the sun and squinting.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kazneus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 29 2013
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Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, โ€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.โ€

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, โ€œLetโ€™s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.โ€

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didnโ€™t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didnโ€™t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, โ€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!โ€

Pork Chop replied, โ€œNo way Josรฉ! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!โ€

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, โ€œThen Iโ€™ll huff, and Iโ€™ll puff, and Iโ€™ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!โ€

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scottโ€™s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hamboneโ€™s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RageMonster17
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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This is a little long so get ready

So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever."

The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it.

A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma."

Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever."

A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!"

Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-"

The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!"

~this is my first post so โ•ฎ(โ”€โ–ฝโ”€)โ•ญ ~

๐Ÿ‘︎ 84
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/theresnogoodname
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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My dad called me at 6:30 am today to tell me this. He's in his 50's, I'm 30...

"Good morning, son!"

Hey, Dad, what's up? (Wondering if something bad is up)..

"So, you know why it's never a good idea to get in an argument with your dad?"

(I'm still groggy waking up) Why, Dad?

"Because he already knows all the 'Your Mom' jokes, and you definitely don't want to hear them from him! Ahahahaha!!" /hangs up on me.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/frodohaskids
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 27 2015
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Today I received a call regarding a new hearing aid.

The connection was bad, I couldnโ€™t hear a thing.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xFarrokh
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Let me know if any of these make you laugh!
  1. What's a dentist's favorite time? Tooth-hurty!
  2. How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
  3. Iโ€™m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
  4. The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. Wow, it was tense!
  5. All my lamps are gone... and I couldn't be more de-lighted!
  6. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Heโ€™s all right now.
  7. Chemists give the best advice, they've got all the solutions.
  8. A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, โ€œNo, Iโ€™m traveling light.โ€
  9. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? Heโ€™s 0K now.
  10. I had to make these bad science jokes because all the good ones Argon.

Did any of them make you laugh? Don't tell me no pun in ten did!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BrujaBean
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
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Dad joked(?) the old guy at work this morning

I do maintenance on overnights at a department store. We're able to get away with quite a lot of joking around thankfully so it really isn't all that bad

Anyways, it's about 6 or 6:30 in the morning. The daytime employees are just making their way in for the day. Suddenly, I'm paged over the system by the old guy I work with on maintenance

"MetalHeadCrow, where are you?"

I love working with the old guy. He's a great worker and we really get along good. So, I run to the nearest phone, pick it up, and page for the whole store to hear:

"I'm right here, where are you?"

I was happy with myself

EDIT: I'm using my iPod to post so not sure how this will look. Also added a few words

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MetalHeadCrow
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 17 2015
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The Laughing Hoagie

Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.

"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.

"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.

They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.

"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.

"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.

"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.

"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"

"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."

"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.

"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."

As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.

"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.

"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."

"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.

"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.

"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.

"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.

"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.

"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Fluffigt
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 15 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
more dad jokes

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"

5/4 of people admit that theyโ€™re bad with fractions.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Iโ€™ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

People donโ€™t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?

Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/notdadbot
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?

Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/notdadbot
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Want to hear a really bad dad joke?

There was once an absent father

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/manthey8989
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 12 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 77
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Wife dad joked me so hard but didn't notice

We have to buy so much milk in our household because I'm such a serial dad joker. Amongst all my friends and family, even at my wedding, it was noted about my bad jokes. My wife of one week tolerates my humour, but doesn't ever attempt to play along with dad jokes or make any of her own. Point is - I'm not used to hearing her say one.

Today, sitting at a bar on our honeymoon I commented about how "these selfie sticks are becoming ridiculous. Everyone seems to have one now. It's stupid"... Only for her to reply with..."I know it's seriously getting out of hand".

I lost my shit and freaked out. She got scared cause she thought something bad happened...I'm like "did you seriously not just hear yourself. I'm not even mad that was amazing".

She just rolled her eyes.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 271
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nightingrose
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 21 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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