Man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
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︎ Apr 28 2021
I called my wife and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home.
She just grunted. I think she regrets letting me name the twins.
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︎ May 05 2021
I offered to carpool with the security guy this week but I totally forgot to pick him up this morning. When he got to work later her was furious and punched me in the back of the head.
Itโs my own fault, Iโll never let my guard down again.
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︎ May 17 2021
A duck walks into a drugstore to pick up a prescription. The pharmacist asks him,
"Cash or charge?"
The duck replies, "Nah....Just put it on my bill!"
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︎ Apr 02 2021
What kind of house can you pick up?
A lighthouse
From my 7 year old.
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︎ Apr 14 2021
This is my best pick-up line
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︎ Jan 12 2021
My dad was ready to roll in on the jokes when coming to pick me up after school in his "DIY self-driving" car. Everyone knows though...
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︎ May 14 2021
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︎ Mar 08 2021
Pick up
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︎ Feb 27 2021
Me to son: Go pick up your room.
Son: I canโt.
Me: And why not?
Son: Because itโs too heavy!
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︎ Feb 13 2021
What's the name of that cool female friend who helps you pick up chicks?
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︎ Mar 09 2021
Her: Honey can you pick up some milk
Him:* lifts gallon * done
Her: no from the store
Him: I imagine it weighs the same there too
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︎ Jan 04 2021
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
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︎ Jan 25 2021
My wife asked me to pick up a single lemon at the grocery store
But I have no idea how to tell if a lemon is in a relationship or not
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︎ Nov 22 2020
I called my wife and told her I'd pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she's not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
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︎ Jan 26 2020
My wife told me to pick up cheese dip for the New Years Eve party.
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Wife: Can you pick up milk?
Husband: Lifting Gallon yeah
Wife: No, I mean at the store.
Husband: I imagine it would weigh the same there...
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︎ Jul 29 2020
Dad drives to the local high school and picks up his son.
Son: โDad, put me down, youโre embarrassing me.โ
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︎ Nov 26 2020
What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
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︎ Sep 09 2020
Which one stole your broom maโam? Can you pick her out of a line up?
No it was Witch two officer!
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︎ Oct 06 2020
Went to go pick my glasses up from SpecSavers today and youโll never guess who I bumped into!
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︎ Oct 24 2020
When I came home today my wife had some Little Debbie Zerbra Cakes on the counter. I pick one up and say "A Zebra Cake?"
"Don't mind if I Zoo."
She just gave me a glare and went back to what she was doing.
Totally worth it.
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︎ Aug 23 2020
I have an addiction to reading pop-up books, so I went to the library the other day to pick up some proper grown up books to look at. I have to admit there was some good stuff there, ...
... but unfortunately nothing that jumped out at me.
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︎ Oct 24 2020
Which one would you pick up?
...If you found a 10 dollar bill and a 2 dollar bill on the way.
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︎ Nov 09 2020
The definition of a pick up game.
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︎ Aug 12 2020
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.
For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.
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︎ Sep 07 2020
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. โYou need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,โ I told her. โDo you mow the whole yard in one direction.โ
โWhy?โ she asked.
โBecause thatโs what makes it beautiful.โ
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
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︎ Sep 01 2020
Iโm going to pick up a pack of smokes
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︎ Oct 07 2020
A scientist walks into a lab to pick up a dozen beakers for a new experiment heโs been working on, and the lab clerk hands him 13 upon his arrival. โ13?โ, the scientist asks, โI wanted a dozen!โ
The lab clerk says โI thought you wanted a beakers dozen!โ
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︎ Jun 25 2020
How do you pick up a country girl?
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︎ Jul 14 2020
What kind of house do you think you can pick up!?
Iโm not very bright but Iโm pretty sure I can pick up a Light House!
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︎ Sep 25 2020
Rick Harris hooked up with this girl using his brother Neil's pick-up line...
The questions is, will Neil Patrick Harris on the back?
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︎ Aug 20 2020
"Wisdom" Puns/Pick-up lines
so im talking to this guy and his name is wisdom. Im horrible at coming up with puns/pick up lines and Im trying to think of a funny one but I cant. help.
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︎ Apr 27 2020
I just went to the shop to pick up eight cans of Sprite,
But when I got home I realised Iโd only picked 7Up.
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︎ Jun 03 2020
Iโve been trying to pick up on German humor recently.
Itโs no laughing matter.
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︎ Jul 27 2020
My son just asked me, "Can we pick my friend up?"
Me: I dunno. How heavy is she?
Son: In a car dad
This happened only moments ago. You can't just softball 'em in like that, son.
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︎ Mar 19 2020
My son sees me rushing to pick up my ringing mobile in another room.
Son: "Mom, Dad's russian!!"
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︎ Jul 09 2020
I was trying to pick up this chick and she just ran away and kept saying: "peep, peep!"
I think it was a she. Fast little bugger.
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︎ Jun 22 2020
Yesterday I called the suicide hotline, and they didn't pick up
Way to leave me hanging guys
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︎ Oct 11 2019
I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"
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︎ May 29 2020
A British man decided to pick up a hitchhiker with no arms, 1 leg and 3 heads.
He says: " 'ello 'ello 'ello, you look 'armless, hop in!"
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︎ Jun 16 2020
My wife - "Can you pick up bread?"
Me - "Yes I can, it's pretty light. Can you?"
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︎ Dec 27 2019
I called my wife and asked her if I should pick up Fish and chips on the way home from work and she hung up.....
She's still angry she let me name the kids
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︎ Oct 02 2019
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help.
"No thanks, just looking around."
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︎ Apr 16 2020
I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
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︎ Apr 30 2021
My girlfriend asked what I was doing after I pick up my glasses
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︎ Jun 11 2020
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