Man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
I called my wife and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home.
She just grunted. I think she regrets letting me name the twins.
I offered to carpool with the security guy this week but I totally forgot to pick him up this morning. When he got to work later her was furious and punched me in the back of the head.
It’s my own fault, I’ll never let my guard down again.
A duck walks into a drugstore to pick up a prescription. The pharmacist asks him,
"Cash or charge?"
The duck replies, "Nah....Just put it on my bill!"
What kind of house can you pick up?
A lighthouse
From my 7 year old.
This is my best pick-up line
My dad was ready to roll in on the jokes when coming to pick me up after school in his "DIY self-driving" car. Everyone knows though...
Me to son: Go pick up your room.
Son: I can’t.
Me: And why not?
Son: Because it’s too heavy!
What's the name of that cool female friend who helps you pick up chicks?
Her: Honey can you pick up some milk
Him:* lifts gallon * done
Her: no from the store
Him: I imagine it weighs the same there too
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
My wife asked me to pick up a single lemon at the grocery store
But I have no idea how to tell if a lemon is in a relationship or not
I called my wife and told her I'd pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she's not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
My wife told me to pick up cheese dip for the New Years Eve party.
Wife: Can you pick up milk?
Husband: Lifting Gallon yeah
Wife: No, I mean at the store.
Husband: I imagine it would weigh the same there...
Dad drives to the local high school and picks up his son.
Son: “Dad, put me down, you’re embarrassing me.”
What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
Which one stole your broom ma’am? Can you pick her out of a line up?
No it was Witch two officer!
Went to go pick my glasses up from SpecSavers today and you’ll never guess who I bumped into!
When I came home today my wife had some Little Debbie Zerbra Cakes on the counter. I pick one up and say "A Zebra Cake?"
"Don't mind if I Zoo."
She just gave me a glare and went back to what she was doing.
Totally worth it.
I have an addiction to reading pop-up books, so I went to the library the other day to pick up some proper grown up books to look at. I have to admit there was some good stuff there, ...
... but unfortunately nothing that jumped out at me.
Which one would you pick up?
...If you found a 10 dollar bill and a 2 dollar bill on the way.
The definition of a pick up game.
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.
For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
I’m going to pick up a pack of smokes
A scientist walks into a lab to pick up a dozen beakers for a new experiment he’s been working on, and the lab clerk hands him 13 upon his arrival. “13?”, the scientist asks, “I wanted a dozen!”
The lab clerk says “I thought you wanted a beakers dozen!”
How do you pick up a country girl?
What kind of house do you think you can pick up!?
I’m not very bright but I’m pretty sure I can pick up a Light House!
Rick Harris hooked up with this girl using his brother Neil's pick-up line...
The questions is, will Neil Patrick Harris on the back?
"Wisdom" Puns/Pick-up lines
so im talking to this guy and his name is wisdom. Im horrible at coming up with puns/pick up lines and Im trying to think of a funny one but I cant. help.
I just went to the shop to pick up eight cans of Sprite,
But when I got home I realised I’d only picked 7Up.
I’ve been trying to pick up on German humor recently.
My son just asked me, "Can we pick my friend up?"
Me: I dunno. How heavy is she?
Son: In a car dad
This happened only moments ago. You can't just softball 'em in like that, son.
My son sees me rushing to pick up my ringing mobile in another room.
Son: "Mom, Dad's russian!!"
I was trying to pick up this chick and she just ran away and kept saying: "peep, peep!"
I think it was a she. Fast little bugger.
Yesterday I called the suicide hotline, and they didn't pick up
Way to leave me hanging guys
I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"
A British man decided to pick up a hitchhiker with no arms, 1 leg and 3 heads.
He says: " 'ello 'ello 'ello, you look 'armless, hop in!"
My wife - "Can you pick up bread?"
Me - "Yes I can, it's pretty light. Can you?"
I called my wife and asked her if I should pick up Fish and chips on the way home from work and she hung up.....
She's still angry she let me name the kids
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help.
"No thanks, just looking around."
I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
My girlfriend asked what I was doing after I pick up my glasses
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