Man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray

The man asks "is this good for wasps?"

The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DemonDoorknob
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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I called my wife and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home.

She just grunted. I think she regrets letting me name the twins.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 265
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PensionNo8124
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 05 2021
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I offered to carpool with the security guy this week but I totally forgot to pick him up this morning. When he got to work later her was furious and punched me in the back of the head.

Itโ€™s my own fault, Iโ€™ll never let my guard down again.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Eternal_Punshine
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 17 2021
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A duck walks into a drugstore to pick up a prescription. The pharmacist asks him,

"Cash or charge?"

The duck replies, "Nah....Just put it on my bill!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lodiman77
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
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What kind of house can you pick up?

A lighthouse

From my 7 year old.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 79
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/armchairdetective_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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This is my best pick-up line
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rukhnul
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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My dad was ready to roll in on the jokes when coming to pick me up after school in his "DIY self-driving" car. Everyone knows though...

He didn't make it.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kristianlsnow
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 14 2021
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A line of Pick UP!s. A Pickup line if you will! reddit.com/gallery/m0m8b4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MrSmileyZ
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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Pick up
๐Ÿ‘︎ 25
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dickiedaydream
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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Me to son: Go pick up your room.

Son: I canโ€™t.

Me: And why not?

Son: Because itโ€™s too heavy!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yrnspnnr
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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What's the name of that cool female friend who helps you pick up chicks?

Wing ma'am

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rare_Breed721
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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Her: Honey can you pick up some milk

Him:* lifts gallon * done

Her: no from the store

Him: I imagine it weighs the same there too

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DJonesy007
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!

I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/casimir1978
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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My wife asked me to pick up a single lemon at the grocery store

But I have no idea how to tell if a lemon is in a relationship or not

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/faceoftheancients
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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I called my wife and told her I'd pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she's not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the twins.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
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My wife told me to pick up cheese dip for the New Years Eve party.

So I replied, "K, so?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/callmefinny
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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Wife: Can you pick up milk?

Husband: Lifting Gallon yeah

Wife: No, I mean at the store.

Husband: I imagine it would weigh the same there...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 197
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rancherrick
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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Dad drives to the local high school and picks up his son.

Son: โ€œDad, put me down, youโ€™re embarrassing me.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JiminyKirket
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Ladies

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bucko787
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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Which one stole your broom maโ€™am? Can you pick her out of a line up?

No it was Witch two officer!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Texgymratdad
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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Went to go pick my glasses up from SpecSavers today and youโ€™ll never guess who I bumped into!

Everyone.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/batchyyyyy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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When I came home today my wife had some Little Debbie Zerbra Cakes on the counter. I pick one up and say "A Zebra Cake?"

"Don't mind if I Zoo."

She just gave me a glare and went back to what she was doing.

Totally worth it.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wene324
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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I have an addiction to reading pop-up books, so I went to the library the other day to pick up some proper grown up books to look at. I have to admit there was some good stuff there, ...

... but unfortunately nothing that jumped out at me.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/klwill1192
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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Which one would you pick up?

...If you found a 10 dollar bill and a 2 dollar bill on the way.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AXEL_Network
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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The definition of a pick up game.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/doodynyahand
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.

For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HunainT
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. โ€œYou need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,โ€ I told her. โ€œDo you mow the whole yard in one direction.โ€

โ€œWhy?โ€ she asked.

โ€œBecause thatโ€™s what makes it beautiful.โ€

Oh, the eye roll on this kid.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/chrisoatkins
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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Iโ€™m going to pick up a pack of smokes

See you when youโ€™re 30

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/edisonsucksdc
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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A scientist walks into a lab to pick up a dozen beakers for a new experiment heโ€™s been working on, and the lab clerk hands him 13 upon his arrival. โ€œ13?โ€, the scientist asks, โ€œI wanted a dozen!โ€

The lab clerk says โ€œI thought you wanted a beakers dozen!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ErectAnarchy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
How do you pick up a country girl?

A tractor

๐Ÿ‘︎ 37
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/marblechocolate
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What kind of house do you think you can pick up!?

Iโ€™m not very bright but Iโ€™m pretty sure I can pick up a Light House!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/YourAnimateJonnyV
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Rick Harris hooked up with this girl using his brother Neil's pick-up line...

The questions is, will Neil Patrick Harris on the back?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dubaidadjokes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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"Wisdom" Puns/Pick-up lines

so im talking to this guy and his name is wisdom. Im horrible at coming up with puns/pick up lines and Im trying to think of a funny one but I cant. help.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/droidurnotlooking4
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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I just went to the shop to pick up eight cans of Sprite,

But when I got home I realised Iโ€™d only picked 7Up.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kas348
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Iโ€™ve been trying to pick up on German humor recently.

Itโ€™s no laughing matter.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RedShirtCashion
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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My son just asked me, "Can we pick my friend up?"

Me: I dunno. How heavy is she? Son: In a car dad

This happened only moments ago. You can't just softball 'em in like that, son.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/89iroc
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My son sees me rushing to pick up my ringing mobile in another room.

Son: "Mom, Dad's russian!!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mdchris19
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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I was trying to pick up this chick and she just ran away and kept saying: "peep, peep!"

I think it was a she. Fast little bugger.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/gargolito
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Yesterday I called the suicide hotline, and they didn't pick up

Way to leave me hanging guys

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jessetdg4
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GeneReddit123
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 29 2020
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A British man decided to pick up a hitchhiker with no arms, 1 leg and 3 heads.

He says: " 'ello 'ello 'ello, you look 'armless, hop in!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mozzatits
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My wife - "Can you pick up bread?"

Me - "Yes I can, it's pretty light. Can you?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rahulabon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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I called my wife and asked her if I should pick up Fish and chips on the way home from work and she hung up.....

She's still angry she let me name the kids

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/B-man44
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
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A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help.

"No thanks, just looking around."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/notagoodspelller
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 56
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GuvSingh
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My girlfriend asked what I was doing after I pick up my glasses

I said "we'll see"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CallMeSaltine
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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