Remember to lift your left leg up off the ground during the New Years countdown

So you can start the New Year off on the right foot

Edit: Thanks for the silver

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crustydog19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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The lift is from a company named Schindler...so it’s Schindler’s Lift...is this set up as pun on the classic film Schindler’s List? My head is spinning
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackaldo7
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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Bad puns lift me up
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadlifememes
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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Lift your left leg up for 30 seconds when it's 11:59:45 tonight.

That way you will start 2019 off on the right foot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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My local tattoo shop is giving free tattoos if you lift up your shirt

Tit for tat

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kbsabo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
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I had a plan to lift a boulder up a slope.

It was working out pretty well, but then it went downhill.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NINJAQKk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
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Every year during the New Year's count down, I stand up from the couch and lift my left leg...

I want to be sure I start the new year off on the right foot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RyanCFL
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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Ski lifts always chair me up.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/piercelol
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2017
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The song lyric comes on the radio, "I will lift you up," while in the car with my teenager.

I told her that the singer is a weight lifter. The eye roll was accompanied by a smirk.

The music video for the song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47dtFZ8CFo8

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nettius2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2017
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Watching my ghosts go up in an elevator always lifts my spirits.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kyzfrintin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
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Why can't you lift up a shadow?

They're not light enough.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magrias
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2015
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Have you heard of Darth Vader's wife, she's always reliable and lifting people up when their down

Good ol' ella Vader

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Abaddononon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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Lifting up the economy
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stont753
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
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Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?

He was dead lifting.

Edit: Wow! Went to bed, went to work, checked this post, and holy hell did it blow up! Thanks for the awards, funny add-one and dad jokes! This sub is awesome!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/35mmPirate
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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Why do ghosts like to use elevators?

Because it lifts up their spirits

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scaulbylausis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Giving my one year old boy a shoulder ride when I lifted him up and put him on my head...

Turned to the wife and said "Do you like what I'm wearing?" (Lulling her into a false sense of security)
She smiles at me, blissfully unaware of my setup and thinking I'm just being cute.
"It's a son-hat." I say with a grin.
The groan she gave me told me I had done well.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2016
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Our dog died yesterday. While lifting him up, dad says he's like dead weight

and my sister laughs, and she keeps saying she doesn't know why she laughed, we were all crying before this and after too.

RIP Puddles :(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xThomas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
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I was lying on the floor today, repeatedly lifting a 12-pack of Coke up and down off my chest...

...and all I could think was, "This is soda-pressing."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dcbluestar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2018
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A man walks in to a bar. On the bar is a duck tap dancing on a biscuit tin.

He is amazed and wants to buy the duck. The man refuses at first but eventually agreed. As the man walks out of the bar the now owner of the duck shouts. Excuse me how do i stop the duck tap dancing. Simple says the man lift up the tin and blow out the candle......

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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First child born in a couple of weeks so I thought to give it the good ol try. Sometimes when I’m down I go to the mall and use the elevator.

So it can lift me up and make my day better.

I tried to OC.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnpowers99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I took my dog to the vet.

I took my Rottweiler to the vet because it’s cross eyed, he lifted it up to look at it then said:

β€œI’m going to have to put this dog down.”

β€œWhat!? Why!” I exclaimed. β€œBecause it’s cross eyed?”

β€œNo, because it’s heavy”. He replied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HorrorANDComedy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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My doctor recently prescribed me some anti-gravity pills for my depression.

They have been extremely up lifting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Orrboy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said "see you later, son". I said indignantly, "don't call me 'son', you're not my dad!"

... To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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I don’t really like skiing...

you go up the lift and then it’s just downhill from there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-ViLG0T-
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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A man with a gold claim in Alaska was cursed.

At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.

One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.

The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.

The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.

In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.

A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.

The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.

After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.

The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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Do you know a good veterinarian?

::Lifts up arms and flexes muscles::

Because these puppies are sick.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MacItaly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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Why do flamingos stand on one leg?

If they lift it up they will fall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaBoss127
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant...

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shimaxed
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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Cabbie dadjoked me today

Cabbie: Where are we going today?

Me: Gonna go pick up my motorcycle. It's in storage.

Cabbie: You must be really strong if you can pick up your motorcycle.

Me: He's gonna get a good tip

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mak12
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2015
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A man walks into a bar with an ornately carved box under his arm.

Bartender: "Hold on there, buddy, what's in the box?"

Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink."

The bartender agrees, and the man lifts the lid to reveal a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.

Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"

Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think the genie is hard of hearing."

Bartender: "Why do you say that?

Man: "Do you think I would have wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IdonJuanTatalya
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
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My personal trainer said I should start doing calf raises.

I can barely lift up my cat, let alone a baby cow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
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my wife's long con

Not exactly a dadjoke, but she learned from the best.

So, it was last sunday and we did a family trip to the zoo with the whole family. Now our kids are 3 1/2 and 1/2 and we named them after strong animals, think "Leoni" (the Lioness) and "Falc" (the Falcon), not exactly those names, but you get the gist. We decided about our daughter's name about 4 years ago.

While we were standing at the entrance queue, my wife gently stroked our daughter's hair, lifted up our son, placing a kiss on his forehead, looked at me smiling and said:

"I have been waiting for this so long!"

"Uhm, to stand in line at the zoo?"

"No, honey, to .... take our zoo to the zoo!"

*groan*

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Horst665
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
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Where does the Bible mention smoking?

Genesis 24:64 -- And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
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My son splashed soup all over my wife at dinner...

... After we cleaned the mess, because he thought it was party time not dinner time, my wife was sitting, defeated, on the couch lamenting having a rowdy toddler. She was listing all the things that could be different if he was calmer (the kid is always full-throttle and smart as fuck, I love it but it's a lot to handle) including not stinking like soup. I look into her eyes, hold her hands in mine, lift her chin up and said:

"Baby, I love you. You smell super."

In unrelated news, sleeping on the couch is better than advertised.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greymalken
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2017
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My Hotel Experience

I was once staying at a hotel which had two lifts, one for the bottom half and one for the top. I was intrigued with the system and asked the manager about it, his response was a fairly terse one "no funny business here, take the lift like anyone else would" he said strictly.

During my stay I needed to get to the higher section of the building, leading me to use the top lift. However when I came to move it, it took quite the effort and persuasion to get it to shift. Once I'd fiddled around and pushed a few more buttons it slowly made it's way up.

It was at this point I realised the manager simply had a stiff upper lift.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CamelSandwich
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2016
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No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the ends.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PewPewWizard2000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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What's the best part about an elevator joke?

They lift you up when you're feeling down.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
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Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?

Because if they lifted it up they'd fall over.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Limey_Limes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Just before midnight tonight, I’ll lift up my left leg.

That way, I can start the new year on the right foot.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajd011394
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Make sure to lift your left foot up at midnight tonight.

Start 2020 off on the right foot.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/macbeezy_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Lift your left leg up for over a minute when it's 11:59:30 tonight

That way you start 2018 off on the right foot!

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2017
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At 11:59:59, don't forget to stand-up and lift your left foot off the ground.

That way you start the new year off on the right foot!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brewingcode
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2017
🚨︎ report
when the clock strikes midnight, lift up your left leg

so you can start 2019 off on the right foot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sakibug
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
🚨︎ report
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said ''see you later, son I said indignantly, ''don't call me 'son' you're not my dad!''

To which the lift attendant replied: "Maybe not, but I brought you up didn't l?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report

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