You know what would really lift my spirits these days?
If I integrated a gym into my liquor store.
I think I’ll apply to a job at a scissor lift factory.
They’re always hiring people.
The company that made the lift in my house is called Schindler. Yup. That's right. It's a Schindler's lift.
So I was at the gym with my friend and me being not so strong, he dared me to lift 195 pounds. So I added a 35lb, a 25lb, and a 15lb onto the bar...
The odds were stacked against me
Before the clock strikes midnight on Dec. 31 be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you'll start off the new year on the right foot.
I guess this is schindler's lift.
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
I saw a lift with a sign attached that said "due to an error, this lift can't go down"
My first thought was, "well, that's uplifting"
Make sure at 11:59 tonight you lift your left leg
That way you can start the new year on the right foot!
Make sure to lift your left foot up at midnight tonight.
Start 2020 off on the right foot.
I've recently developed an addiction to using lifts
I'm taking steps to get over it.
My niece who is active in politics just had a face lift...
She's an altered stateswoman.
All the Avengers got into a lift
But only one couldn’t get out of it.
It was Tony Stuck
Why did the melon get confused in the lift?
Because it canteloupe from down.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
My grandfather hates the stair lift I bought him for his birthday.
It's been driving him up the wall.
I had an argument with my wife in a lift the other day...
I was wrong on so many levels
It was always super sad watching my dad being barely able to lift 2-liter bottles of Pepsi.
He was soda pressing.
Edit: better (Hawaiian) punch line
What do you call a guy who can lift a car?
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
My office block has a Schindler's lift
A mechanic fell asleep and was crushed when another mechanic didn’t see him and lowered the lift. Cause of death? He was tire’d.
Soooo has anyone seen Schinder's Lift?
You know what color is easier to lift than blue?
I have a crippling phobia of lifts
I take multiple steps to avoid them
Farting on a lift is so wrong...
I would lift weights...
But they're just too damn heavy!
What do you call a cow that lifts weights?
What happens when the smog lifts over Southern California?
My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to take the stair chair lift because of his age.
It’s driving him up the wall.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “can you give me a lift?”
I said “Sure you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it!”
My local tattoo shop is giving free tattoos if you lift up your shirt
Lift your left leg up for 30 seconds when it's 11:59:45 tonight.
That way you will start 2019 off on the right foot.
So when me and my friend were stuck in a lift, the ventilation shut off
He then started hyperventilating
When I get out a lift
I usually say "See you later, elevator"
I asked my grandmother how she is enjoying her new stair lift.
She said, “It’s driving me up the wall!”
What happens when the smog lifts from Los Angeles?
“Grandma, how do you like your new stair lift?”
Grandma: It’s driving me up the fricking wall.
Changing a muffler isn’t easy without a lift
What happens when the fog lifts in Los Angeles?
I had a plan to lift a boulder up a slope.
It was working out pretty well, but then it went downhill.
The lift broke at work the other day
I had to take steps to resolve it
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
The other day my favourite formula 1 driver asked me if I needed a lift
I said "No thanks I'm grand, but thanks verstappen"
My boss gave me the option to use a ladder or a lift.
Every year during the New Year's count down, I stand up from the couch and lift my left leg...
I want to be sure I start the new year off on the right foot.
Do you know why flamingos always lift one leg while standing?
Because if they lifted both legs they'd fall over.
Lift your left leg up for over a minute when it's 11:59:30 tonight
That way you start 2018 off on the right foot!
Do you even lift?
I was at the gym and my friend says to me, "Do you even lift bro?". I looked at him and said, "Nah man I use Uber."
Dews on the Schindler's lift (1944, colourised)
If you skipped the gym for 6 months, don't start with what you used to lift...
Overheard two guys talking about their favorite "lift".
One says "bench press" the other says "dead"... As I walk by I say "elevator"...
I heard a rumor that you lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday because Monday to Friday are weak days.
Missed a golden opportunity with Shindler's Lift
At 11:59:59, don't forget to stand-up and lift your left foot off the ground.
That way you start the new year off on the right foot!
A guy offers 2 crisp packets a lift
They say no thanks, we're Walkers
Saw this brand name on an elevator at a music venue. All I could think of was Schindler's Lift. imgur.com/itKHXUU
My dad was told he couldn't lift more than 5 pounds while recovering from his heart attack.
He asked the nurse how he was supposed to pee.
What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?
I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?
Farting on a lift is wrong..