What does a presidential candidate who cant get his votes up suffer from?
2 drunk guys getting into a fight. One gets up and draws a line on the ground. He says "you cross this line and I'll punch you in the face".
That was the punchline...
If there is one genre of music that raises me up on some days and gets me down other days
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
My 16 year old son told me I was a simp (probably because I'm looking to get into a new relationship), after I looked up the meaning I told him:
You must be a Simpson then.
I finally came up with a plan to get rid of the ice on my driveway
I have it all thawed out.
My 8yo daughter made me proud and came up with this: I don't get why pirates go around on boats...
They should be in the arrrrmy
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, lorry drivers get fed ex.
If you get a call from a canned meat company, hang up immediately...
I made up a joke so get ready to hate on me. Trump (I know it's topical).... Trump was nervous during the election and was asked "hey, do you want some spiced tea"?
Why don't people in Athens get up early?
Because dawn is tough on Greece
Did you hear about the iguana who couldn't get it up?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a major scandal
I just imagine Elon-Gate would be really drawn out....
Rick Astley rents the movie Up from the rental store, 3 weeks later he gets a call from the rental store employees saying that his rental is 3 weeks overdue, what does Rick Astley say?
My girlfriend and I broke up at summer camp. We got into an argument over which canoe to get take.
She got in one and I the other. Then we just drifted apart.
Took my iguana Ralph to the vets, he's very lethagic and hardly gets up anymore.
Apparently he has a reptile dysfunction.
Why does the riot police get up so early?
How do you get a deaf person to shut up
Tie their hands behind their back
My friend keeps saying, “Cheer up, it could be worse, you could get stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
Who gets jazzed up to dry off people in suits of armor after dark?
I really hope this whole COVID-19 thing gets cleared up before tick season
Because then we’d have corona with Lyme
A white-tail keeps showing up at our house doing tricks, trying to impress us to get food...
My friend used to get so nervous that he peed his pants every time he had to stand up in his third grade class.
Finally he quit his job as a teacher.
I left it late to get a gift for my mum for Mother’s Day. Ended up at a petrol station. I bought her some Lorry Oil...
My girlfriend gets triggered when I get up and chase the birds away from our backyard every morning.
She says it’s my crow aggression.
Ah man just a repost from a wrong sub. Lets get to 58 up
What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?
My wife gets really upset when I get up every morning and chase the birds from the bird feeder.
She calls it my crow aggression.
I was queuing up to get into the supermarket yesterday. Dwayne Johnson was in front of me. Behind me was a fish holding the trolley above his head!
I was between The Rock and a hard Plaice
Doctor,my back hurts when I get up in the morning.
Then get up in the afternoon.
I was having an argument with my wife about who should brew the coffee each morning. She said, “YOU should do it because YOU get up first and then we won't have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
I went full sexist pig, “YOU'RE in charge of cooking around here woman and YOU should do it, because it's YOUR job and I can just wait for my coffee.”
She replied coldly, “No, YOU should do it and besides, it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
I guffawed, “I can’t believe that, show me!”
So she fetched the Bible and opened to the New Testament and showed me the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “HEBREWS!”
Why do partcles get exited when we heat something up?
Because it's volume increases
What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
Why couldn't 8 get back up?
When it fell, it was forever
My neighbor kept running across my lawn and then pretends to get blown up by explosives.
I’m tired of his mine games.
I always get uncomfortable when I walk up to the cashier.
They always check me out.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes." comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing."
On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hot dog. She walks to the nearest hot dog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst...
He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.
Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.
As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.
A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.
When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,
“Excuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”
“It’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. “I’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”
Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.
“Ya see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"
Why does the riot police get up so early?
Why do Riot Police get up early?
>!They do it to beat the crowds!!<
Why didn't the Athenians like to get up early in the morning?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a scandal.
Elongate would really stretch on.
What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?
A cold shoulder
Credit to u/Phoenix_Slayer3000
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